I call this chapter of my life, my awakening
So I'm sitting at work just stressing over my life and somehow I don't even remember how I end up in my managers office talking for three hours about my life and what's been going on.
My manager Paola told me that she had noticed I haven't been happy for a little while. She said it's been about 6-8 weeks. She's like, "My Randy bitch hasn't been himself. I look into your eyes and see nothing cause you're just not happy anymore". OMG I don't know how but she got everything down so right. I didn't know what was wrong with me but she managed to figure out everything that's been happening with me. My willingness to do anything is just gone. I had so many short term goals for myself which just vanished and as my goals vanished so did my willingness to do anything.
I started talking to her about school and how I go home and can't do anything I just stare at my screen and can't get my work done. I told her how I get home from work and do stuff for work. She told me it's not good for me to always have work on my mind. I haven't been very good with my organization skills at work and she figured out my room was unclean and that it was unclean cause I would start things and just never finish them kinda like I do at work. I get so overwhelmed with everyone else getting their work down that I don't do my own. I am a people pleaser. I haven't done anything for myself in ages.
The things I buy myself are apprantly because I'm trying to cope with something that's missing. Paola is like, "you look like your missing something and I think you know that, you just don't know what." and it's true, I can't figure out what I'm missing but I know I am. I told her that Jamarr and me haven't talked in a while and that when we do I just go shopping with him. She said that's part of my problem. I told her I missed my best friend and that I wish I could do something but I think it's done with because I screwed up. I told her how much I loved Ashley but I can't be around her when she's on things and she told me it's because I'm growing up and I don't want to be around those things. I told her everything and she was able to just listen and analyze my situation. She asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told her no. I'm not looking anymore cause guys are retarded.
Basically we came up with this. I need to do this for myself and everyone who doesn't think it's right can go somewhere cause I don't care what people say. I'm dropping college for the current moment. I'm not going to do it right now because It's not making me happy. I know I want to get my degree in something but I don't know if I still want it in finance or not. My long term goals are to be a manager by the time I'm 21 which is in about 2 years. So I think that's pretty reasonable. My short term goals are to take a few days to myself and travel somewhere. I originally said New York but IDK anymore. I would love to go to NY and watch a broadway show, eat actual NY pizza, visit the gardens and walk through times square. This is one of my goals for this year and weather I do with someone or by myself. I'm going to do it. I kept thinking to myself that I really needed someone to go with me but no. I'm old enough to go by myself and just enjoy time to myself. If I find someone that wants to go with me or maybe if Jamarr wants to go that would be fun but if it doesn't happen then I'm just going to go by myself.
My next goal is to get another job. I want to work nights and weekends IDK in what yet but I want to get a job so I can save all that money and put it into a safety deposit box so I can go on my trip and so I can have my down payment for my apartment and money for my furniture. I am going to be in my own home sometime in the next year. I realize that I am just trying to grow up and I can't do that while I'm with my parents. I come to find myself looking at IKEA and other stores at things I want for my home. I am excited about getting my own apartment or even home if I can afford it. I can get roommates and everything.
In this journey though I realize that I don't need to have a significant other. It would make it a lot more fun for me but I'm done with thinking I need to have a boyfriend to make me happy. I need to put more time into myself because I've spent so much of my time devoting myself to pleasing the people around me and not enough time devoted to myself. I'm done with it and I want to be the one that goes to my friends for advice now. If someone comes along that will make me happy then I would invite them to join me in my goals but I'm not planning my life around someone anymore. I am me and I need to be happy. No matter what people tell me. I know I will be happy.
My manager Paola told me that she had noticed I haven't been happy for a little while. She said it's been about 6-8 weeks. She's like, "My Randy bitch hasn't been himself. I look into your eyes and see nothing cause you're just not happy anymore". OMG I don't know how but she got everything down so right. I didn't know what was wrong with me but she managed to figure out everything that's been happening with me. My willingness to do anything is just gone. I had so many short term goals for myself which just vanished and as my goals vanished so did my willingness to do anything.
I started talking to her about school and how I go home and can't do anything I just stare at my screen and can't get my work done. I told her how I get home from work and do stuff for work. She told me it's not good for me to always have work on my mind. I haven't been very good with my organization skills at work and she figured out my room was unclean and that it was unclean cause I would start things and just never finish them kinda like I do at work. I get so overwhelmed with everyone else getting their work down that I don't do my own. I am a people pleaser. I haven't done anything for myself in ages.
The things I buy myself are apprantly because I'm trying to cope with something that's missing. Paola is like, "you look like your missing something and I think you know that, you just don't know what." and it's true, I can't figure out what I'm missing but I know I am. I told her that Jamarr and me haven't talked in a while and that when we do I just go shopping with him. She said that's part of my problem. I told her I missed my best friend and that I wish I could do something but I think it's done with because I screwed up. I told her how much I loved Ashley but I can't be around her when she's on things and she told me it's because I'm growing up and I don't want to be around those things. I told her everything and she was able to just listen and analyze my situation. She asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told her no. I'm not looking anymore cause guys are retarded.
Basically we came up with this. I need to do this for myself and everyone who doesn't think it's right can go somewhere cause I don't care what people say. I'm dropping college for the current moment. I'm not going to do it right now because It's not making me happy. I know I want to get my degree in something but I don't know if I still want it in finance or not. My long term goals are to be a manager by the time I'm 21 which is in about 2 years. So I think that's pretty reasonable. My short term goals are to take a few days to myself and travel somewhere. I originally said New York but IDK anymore. I would love to go to NY and watch a broadway show, eat actual NY pizza, visit the gardens and walk through times square. This is one of my goals for this year and weather I do with someone or by myself. I'm going to do it. I kept thinking to myself that I really needed someone to go with me but no. I'm old enough to go by myself and just enjoy time to myself. If I find someone that wants to go with me or maybe if Jamarr wants to go that would be fun but if it doesn't happen then I'm just going to go by myself.
My next goal is to get another job. I want to work nights and weekends IDK in what yet but I want to get a job so I can save all that money and put it into a safety deposit box so I can go on my trip and so I can have my down payment for my apartment and money for my furniture. I am going to be in my own home sometime in the next year. I realize that I am just trying to grow up and I can't do that while I'm with my parents. I come to find myself looking at IKEA and other stores at things I want for my home. I am excited about getting my own apartment or even home if I can afford it. I can get roommates and everything.
In this journey though I realize that I don't need to have a significant other. It would make it a lot more fun for me but I'm done with thinking I need to have a boyfriend to make me happy. I need to put more time into myself because I've spent so much of my time devoting myself to pleasing the people around me and not enough time devoted to myself. I'm done with it and I want to be the one that goes to my friends for advice now. If someone comes along that will make me happy then I would invite them to join me in my goals but I'm not planning my life around someone anymore. I am me and I need to be happy. No matter what people tell me. I know I will be happy.