I have to say something at some point at sometime.
First the pros and cons? sure.
Pro's:
I have over 6k saved.
I have a decent work history.
I don't lie.
I can buy alcohol.
I have some really amazing friends
I have a job until late August-ish.
Cons:
I have no future plan.
I have no real special work skill.
I have no education.
I can buy alcohol.
Everyone else lies.
I have the shadow of an ex-girlfriend hanging over me because she still tries, won't come out and say how she really feels and is doing everything that I should be doing.
I've spent too much on shit I didn't need.
I worry too much
I think too much
I only attract girls that can't or won't let themselves be with me.
Okay.
I didn't really care about losing this job because I knew it was going to happen. Now that its actually happened I'm sort of facing the 'what next?' factor.
I know whats next.
A long, brutal summer dealing with stupid bullshit thats way over my head and being vastly underappreciated for it. I'll be around some friends and I'll probably even get out more but its still just another slow step that will end and I'll look for something new again in a few months.
I don't know what the fuck I ever did or didn't do to find a new job every 5 months or so but its getting a little old and all I want to do is moving into a tiny fucking apartment, pay my bills, work the weekdays, get drunk on weekends and wake up next to someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. It isn't the fucking american dream, it isn't much, it shouldn't be so hard.
All I fucking do is give myself to everyone and anyone even if they talk shit behind my back, don't know why I'm in a specific mood or suggest that I'm feeling a certain way because of some reason.
I know what I've told all of you throughout this whole period and God knows I've tried to make myself better but it isn't helping. Nothing I do ever works, nothing I say ever works and no one I talk to actually ever helps.
The sad part is that I knew EXACTLY what was going to happen when I walked into that office this morning. I knew there was about a 10% chance that they offered me some job and even if they did it'd more than likely only be another step to getting where I'm actually going to be. I'm sure its the rejection thats bothering me most because it seems to be the only thing I'm really getting used to.
I'm making some progress elsewhere though, if its considered that. When I talk to the 'girls' now, its different. I block myself from feeling the way I did because I know how fucking useless it was and how bad I've gotten at this whole thing. 2 and half years and its like you fucking forget who you were. I was the king at this shit and I AM one of the better people, right? I don't know what the fucking problems. Maybe I need to go back to dumb chicks, maybe I'm not good enough for the smarter girls of the world.
But finally, I'm probably not as upset as it sounds I'm just really waiting for my time. My time to smile, my time to feel like I did something right, my time to shine. There is show much more that I can do for someone than be that guy who occasionally pushes the bullshit out of their heads and makes them think clearly and realistically.
I stopped giving a shit 2 weeks ago and its breaking my heart, honestly. The one person around here that had any fucking emotion left is out, guys. I'm fucking drained. Most nights I can't sleep and when I do sleep I sleep too long. I try to pace the drinking but I just can't stop and I don't even hold back the tears anymore, man. I'm driving myself crazy and it is killing me that I just can't fucking care about anything anymore. I wasn't supposed to be the guy who gave up but I have. It's been a whole year of things going in a direction that'd be right or fair and all I did was continue to give it my all. I have until August to be a kid again and if thats what fate wants, thats what its going to get.
It's really fucking hard to grow up when you already have yourself so figured out.
3 hour "chill out period" re-edit:
I swear way too much when I'm angry. I had a decent conversation with Evan an hour or two ago about working at the house this summer. I'm grabbing the bull by the horns with this one, I'm accepting the challenge. Last year I couldn't do it because I was forced into it, had a sub-par staff that most of the time didn't do their job and we had no organization. This year its different, we've got some great people, I'm ready and we'll be prepared. I need to do this not only for Scott because I feel like he deserves it but for myself. I need to taste success with something because its been so long without it.
This could be an spring and an even better summer. I'm ready...and I don't think things could get much worse.
Job-less, alone, worn out, angry and confused. I'll be 20 in a couple months but I sure do wear the title of a teenager well.
Pro's:
I have over 6k saved.
I have a decent work history.
I don't lie.
I can buy alcohol.
I have some really amazing friends
I have a job until late August-ish.
Cons:
I have no future plan.
I have no real special work skill.
I have no education.
I can buy alcohol.
Everyone else lies.
I have the shadow of an ex-girlfriend hanging over me because she still tries, won't come out and say how she really feels and is doing everything that I should be doing.
I've spent too much on shit I didn't need.
I worry too much
I think too much
I only attract girls that can't or won't let themselves be with me.
Okay.
I didn't really care about losing this job because I knew it was going to happen. Now that its actually happened I'm sort of facing the 'what next?' factor.
I know whats next.
A long, brutal summer dealing with stupid bullshit thats way over my head and being vastly underappreciated for it. I'll be around some friends and I'll probably even get out more but its still just another slow step that will end and I'll look for something new again in a few months.
I don't know what the fuck I ever did or didn't do to find a new job every 5 months or so but its getting a little old and all I want to do is moving into a tiny fucking apartment, pay my bills, work the weekdays, get drunk on weekends and wake up next to someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. It isn't the fucking american dream, it isn't much, it shouldn't be so hard.
All I fucking do is give myself to everyone and anyone even if they talk shit behind my back, don't know why I'm in a specific mood or suggest that I'm feeling a certain way because of some reason.
I know what I've told all of you throughout this whole period and God knows I've tried to make myself better but it isn't helping. Nothing I do ever works, nothing I say ever works and no one I talk to actually ever helps.
The sad part is that I knew EXACTLY what was going to happen when I walked into that office this morning. I knew there was about a 10% chance that they offered me some job and even if they did it'd more than likely only be another step to getting where I'm actually going to be. I'm sure its the rejection thats bothering me most because it seems to be the only thing I'm really getting used to.
I'm making some progress elsewhere though, if its considered that. When I talk to the 'girls' now, its different. I block myself from feeling the way I did because I know how fucking useless it was and how bad I've gotten at this whole thing. 2 and half years and its like you fucking forget who you were. I was the king at this shit and I AM one of the better people, right? I don't know what the fucking problems. Maybe I need to go back to dumb chicks, maybe I'm not good enough for the smarter girls of the world.
But finally, I'm probably not as upset as it sounds I'm just really waiting for my time. My time to smile, my time to feel like I did something right, my time to shine. There is show much more that I can do for someone than be that guy who occasionally pushes the bullshit out of their heads and makes them think clearly and realistically.
I stopped giving a shit 2 weeks ago and its breaking my heart, honestly. The one person around here that had any fucking emotion left is out, guys. I'm fucking drained. Most nights I can't sleep and when I do sleep I sleep too long. I try to pace the drinking but I just can't stop and I don't even hold back the tears anymore, man. I'm driving myself crazy and it is killing me that I just can't fucking care about anything anymore. I wasn't supposed to be the guy who gave up but I have. It's been a whole year of things going in a direction that'd be right or fair and all I did was continue to give it my all. I have until August to be a kid again and if thats what fate wants, thats what its going to get.
It's really fucking hard to grow up when you already have yourself so figured out.
3 hour "chill out period" re-edit:
I swear way too much when I'm angry. I had a decent conversation with Evan an hour or two ago about working at the house this summer. I'm grabbing the bull by the horns with this one, I'm accepting the challenge. Last year I couldn't do it because I was forced into it, had a sub-par staff that most of the time didn't do their job and we had no organization. This year its different, we've got some great people, I'm ready and we'll be prepared. I need to do this not only for Scott because I feel like he deserves it but for myself. I need to taste success with something because its been so long without it.
This could be an spring and an even better summer. I'm ready...and I don't think things could get much worse.
Job-less, alone, worn out, angry and confused. I'll be 20 in a couple months but I sure do wear the title of a teenager well.