this is all bigger than me.
I'd like to tell you that I woke up at 4pm today because I feared what sort of emotions I'd feel today but that isn't even the truth, I woke up late because I had nothing to do.(my alarm didn't help). I don't know what you're doing right now but I can only assume its the same thing you've been doing daily for the past 3-5 months - maybe even longer. That is completely disgusting, almost as disgusting as the way I still waste words on you. You are pathetic, you are impossible and you are a problem. You've had all the chances and the people around you to make your life mean anything and you continue to just do, in my eyes, whatever would make me hate as much as I do now.
and why? you'll never see me again and you'll never HAVE to talk to me again. When you tell me to forget about you so can find a younger guy who is going somewhere in life and than let me find out that you're fucking a 21 year old who makes less money than I do, I sort of wonder.
You lost, easily, the best thing that could and will ever happen to and the only reason I'm still upset is because you don't know that yet.
Fuck you for thinking this shouldn't matter and fuck you for letting the SOLE person that changed your life have such a pathetic fall from grace.
I was fucking awful all summer and I did everything I could to feel better but you know what?
the days of never leaving my house, telling the only person who actually called me(thank you eric) that I couldn't do anything and putting whatever substance in my blood stream that I thought would make me feel any better or over.
I don't care about you, I don't worry about when you'll talk to me and I can't wait to see you fall on your face AND thats just me talking to you when I'm completely happy.
but I'm done talking to you, you aren't going to see this.
for everyone else, I may have or may not have made this point to you already but it isn't her or the idea of her anymore. its the principle and art of what happened, how unfair it(and many other things in life) are and the fact that she is completely happy and I'm still finding the one or few small, simple things I'd want to keep me happy.
I'm honored to be friends with guys like Tim and Chris and I'm glad that over the summer Evan and Lee would put up with me as much they did(and lee still does). I'm glad I have a friend like Kristen that I can tell everything to, complain about life and she'll sort of bring me back down to earth telling me that just because one thing won't be fixed for awhile, everything else isn't so bad.
I've debated what I'd say in the '3 year anniversary' blog/post for the past 2 or 3 months and I can't begin to explain how surprisingly nice this turned out. its hopeful, its vengeful, its up and down. a perfect way to sum up how I am and I'm growing to accept it. I love how things are going and while many things could be a lot more certain or better, I have the right ideas. I have the right people and I've certainly cut the cancers out of my life.(sorry lee, I'll never stop drinking)
And finally, since this is a semi-regular blog:
The last 3 nights I've went to the diner with Nick and Melissa. it's been incredibly nice to see them although its been more regular than it has in the past. I love being able to talk about everything I've done in the past with them and it makes sense to them because they shared most of those moments with me. I love them both - very, very much and I know and understand why the don't see many people.(i'm the same way). I'm just glad they see enough in me that they'll take me out whenever I need it and remind me how things can still be okay. Tonight will be the 4th night but I'm going with Kristen. Tomorrow is wings with, of all people, Scott Greenberg(if he shows) and if not its another day with Tim and Chris and I haven't been having many of those lately so its time to fix that.
I understand this is entirely too long but its almost entirely positive and if your like me, you LOVE to lurk long blogs/rants/stories.
I love most of you.
and why? you'll never see me again and you'll never HAVE to talk to me again. When you tell me to forget about you so can find a younger guy who is going somewhere in life and than let me find out that you're fucking a 21 year old who makes less money than I do, I sort of wonder.
You lost, easily, the best thing that could and will ever happen to and the only reason I'm still upset is because you don't know that yet.
Fuck you for thinking this shouldn't matter and fuck you for letting the SOLE person that changed your life have such a pathetic fall from grace.
I was fucking awful all summer and I did everything I could to feel better but you know what?
the days of never leaving my house, telling the only person who actually called me(thank you eric) that I couldn't do anything and putting whatever substance in my blood stream that I thought would make me feel any better or over.
I don't care about you, I don't worry about when you'll talk to me and I can't wait to see you fall on your face AND thats just me talking to you when I'm completely happy.
but I'm done talking to you, you aren't going to see this.
for everyone else, I may have or may not have made this point to you already but it isn't her or the idea of her anymore. its the principle and art of what happened, how unfair it(and many other things in life) are and the fact that she is completely happy and I'm still finding the one or few small, simple things I'd want to keep me happy.
I'm honored to be friends with guys like Tim and Chris and I'm glad that over the summer Evan and Lee would put up with me as much they did(and lee still does). I'm glad I have a friend like Kristen that I can tell everything to, complain about life and she'll sort of bring me back down to earth telling me that just because one thing won't be fixed for awhile, everything else isn't so bad.
I've debated what I'd say in the '3 year anniversary' blog/post for the past 2 or 3 months and I can't begin to explain how surprisingly nice this turned out. its hopeful, its vengeful, its up and down. a perfect way to sum up how I am and I'm growing to accept it. I love how things are going and while many things could be a lot more certain or better, I have the right ideas. I have the right people and I've certainly cut the cancers out of my life.(sorry lee, I'll never stop drinking)
And finally, since this is a semi-regular blog:
The last 3 nights I've went to the diner with Nick and Melissa. it's been incredibly nice to see them although its been more regular than it has in the past. I love being able to talk about everything I've done in the past with them and it makes sense to them because they shared most of those moments with me. I love them both - very, very much and I know and understand why the don't see many people.(i'm the same way). I'm just glad they see enough in me that they'll take me out whenever I need it and remind me how things can still be okay. Tonight will be the 4th night but I'm going with Kristen. Tomorrow is wings with, of all people, Scott Greenberg(if he shows) and if not its another day with Tim and Chris and I haven't been having many of those lately so its time to fix that.
I understand this is entirely too long but its almost entirely positive and if your like me, you LOVE to lurk long blogs/rants/stories.
I love most of you.