So here it is...
I don't really want to be remembered for who I've been the past couple months.
I know you've all sort of struggled to deal with me and I get it, I should be over everything.
What I think most of you don't know is that I'm over 'it'.
Does it cross my mind? Does it bother me? Do I still wonder why? of course I do.
At the same time, I'm not losing sleep over it and I'm trying to believe more in fate.
My main problems are on the interior and, I guess, the somewhat distant future.
I guess its, in a couple ways, a good thing I have 7 months to sort of figure out what I'm going to do.
Who knows? maybe I won't be outsourced and I'll have a career and lets be honest...
worst case scenario?
I'm back at the House, working too much every day and losing everything I've worked hard for again.
not so bad, right?
so now that I've tackled that...
The greatest person, to date, that I've ever met is - what I consider - 'too smart' to be with me.
Lets be honest, again...
I think she's also a little scared or nervous and maybe just not the right person to be in a relationship,
I mean, if she was, she would've had one worth mentioning, right?
She sounded a little bit...unflattered(?) that I was so open to the fact that we'll never be together but the truth is, honestly,
if you tell me I'm perfect(or shy of it) and I leave you speechless all of the time, its not really my fucking problem anymore is it?
but to be fair, who am I? I'm not dashingly attractive and I'm certainly not the stand out at all the parties and even though she comes off smarter than that maybe she isn't...maybe she wants what all the others want - the wrong things.
I have and I had tons of people chirping in my ears, telling me 'oh, *thats* gross, don't worry about her, she's stupid' and I can't believe that. I mean, to date, there has only been one person that I have completely given up on.
You know whats weird about me?
A lot of people know me to have a sort of sad, bitter and angry tone all the time and think I'm constantly down on myself but let me break down what I KNOW of myself and what I challenge any of you to deny about me.
I havn't told anything more than a little 'no, I don't feel well' type lie in over 7 months. to anyone.
I tell everyone, openly, how I feel about them or how I feel about a certain issue.
I'm smart enough to hold a conversation with almost anyone about most things.
I am the most loyal, consistant friend most people will ever have.
and after all that...I feel out of place everywhere I go, I feel like people think I hate everything and no girl is smart(yeah, I said it) to even take a chance on me.
So in short, I'm going to be okay and I'm going to overcome.
I will never understand why I'm constantly overlooked and why I'm 'creepy', 'weird' or 'stalkerish'.
If I see someone I know, I'm going to ask them how they are.
If I see someone in need, I'm going to try to help them out.
Regardless of we've talked once or 100 times.
The truth is that no one wants to use me. for anything and everything I am and it hurts.
what is so wrong with me?
what can I fix?
what can I do for you?
I have nothing I can do for myself, not without others.
I just need the people that tell me everything is going to be okay to give me a realistic reason/way that its going to happen.
things look real vague.