Aug 10, 2004 03:03
yeah so i haven't really posted in a while, probably because i didn't really have much to say, Nothing really dramatic has happend that has messed me up and made me vent about it here. It's really sad, that one only thinks about writing when go wrong. It's a weird dilema, You bitch and moan when things go horribly wrong in your life, yet it gives you something to think about and poses an oppourtanity to grown in self. When things work at a rather slow monotonous pace, you wonder when things are going to pick up and motivate you to think and act. Selfish we are, never sastisfied with what we have. It's as if we are looking for trouble and conflict to add meaning to life. Strange but true. It's funny some person said to me once, I really relate to you, your life resembles mine and that made me laugh, It was a bitter, cinical and an almost jaded acknowledgement of the idea. It made me want to scream "Oh yeah, my life is a riot." I wanted to ask him what he really related to, and then it made me think is it really truely possible to understand some and empathize with them. What makes us unique as individuals is the way we react. It's plain and simple, different people react in different ways and that makes us different, no two people in the universe can have the exact same reaction to situation, if they did life would be a lot more predictable and boring and pitiful. Well as the time passes, I see myself getting more and more drawn into my own little universe where I can see myself progessively diconnecting myself from the rest of the world. It's an emotional and mental alienation from the people around me, I believe it to be an alternative state of conscience where I may be physically present, yet my functional train of thought exists on a completely different plain. It's like living a dual life, one in being and one in thought which after a while becomes a game. What I have been thinking lately is also have fickle and shallow people are and how narrow their existence is, I've been inteacting with a lot of different people lately, and i've noticed is a common pattern of thought in all of them. What amazes me is how much people get caught up in frugal matters like how pretty they are or how much attention they get from the opposit sex or what people think of the, which is of utmost importance. What truely amazes me is how much importance people put on the attention from the opposit sex. It's great talking about sex, boyfriend's, Ex's and dates. But I think there is truely more to life than just that and it is rather superficial to base your life entirely on that. It's amusing hearing people bitch and moan about basically the same thing only with different people each time, which is a common occurence with just about everyone, I do it to, hence the amusement. What ever happened to seeing the world and smelling the flowers?! May be it's my basic apathatic and jaded outlook towards life that compels me to speak so. I don't know. Right now I'm really comfortable, Not really happy, not really sad, It's that neutral state that can go both ways. It's that comfortable numbness that comes with a predicatable life pattern. It's hard to tell, I've given up on certain people, as time passes I struggle to find common grounds hence the silence that follows. People underestimate the power of comfortable silences, they are some of the best conversations you can ever have. If you've met a man whom you can have a great silent conversation with, then he's your soulmate, it helps if he can cook, clean and do the dishes!
I think silence is one of the most enriching experiences in the world as it gives you the chance to communicate with yourself, and if you know you can stand yourself, you're in wonderful shape. Oh yeah, I've found a new obession, Sex and the City, It's the story of my life, minus the frequently sex and the mid-thirties. I think I've reached my mid life crisis a tad bit early if I sincerely believe it like some people believe in the bible, highly amusing none the less. What lacks in my life is the spark that come from the excitement of something, new, wonderful, fascinating, everything is one big Blah. I can't wait for that moment when I shall be swept off my feet, something that would make me deliriously happy and take away the apathy. Till then blah is great!
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