its been a while
so recently i went back and read a bunch of my old entries. some are embarrassing. some are astonishing just because of how much things have changed since then. and some are just funny. ive had a lot of stuff on my mind lately so basically its just a "why not?" kinda thing.
life hasn't been to great lately lol. rob moved to michigan after christmas to go to law school. i miss him a lot. but i accomplished my goal that ive been trying to get to every year of highschool and haven't been able to: im a distinguished scholar: finally! so my grandma is like horrible. and its so frustrating casue she cant help it. and its sad reading back to my old entries cause i thought she was bad THEN. and shes like 10x worse now . she tripped on a kitchen rug in her house & like did something to vertebrae in her neck so she's in this big neck brace & if she hurts it again she can get paralized & all. so she was in the hospital for 2 days so she could go to a rehab place and medicare would pay for it so she was in there for a while but then something happened & my dad took her out so now she's at our house until we find an assisted living place for her to go to or if we find someone to live with her 24/7 in her apartment cause shes not allowed to live alone anymore. and all she keeps talking about is how she wants to go home and how theres nothing wrong with her and how she doesnt understand why she cant live alone. she has a fucking broken neck. thats something wrong with you. and she cant remember anythingggg. its so depressing but so frustrating but i know she cant help it. ugh. and my dad has had to deal with it cause his fucking asshole of a brother is out in california not having to deal with shit. my uncle is an asshole. he barely calls her like he sends her flowers for holidays & her birthday & thats it. but apparently he's stopping here for like 2 days next weekend cause he has to go to Germany on business or something ? idk. hes an asshole. but its just sad. cause my grandma is such a good person. and im so close to her. like she's my favorite person in the world. and its just sad that she wont get to see stuff i want her to see. i want her to see me get married so badly. thats like my dream. you ever notice how no matter what, grandparents always think you're the best at everything? she talks all the time about how im so tall and so thin and so smart. im 5'0. im not thin. im in one honors class. but im amazing in her eyes. my dad always says how she estatic she was the day she got a granddaughter (she had my cousin timmy & my brother rob before me). we've always had such a bond. she was fun & lively. she'd babysit me & play games with me. she'd go out in the snow & build snowmen with me when we'd go to vermont on family vacations. and now she's being taken away from me. not physically but mentally, and thats the worst. cause physically she's there. i can hug her and kiss her and thats great but i know that in like a year from now even if she's still physically here, she wont be mentally here at all. its slow and painful, alzheimers. idk what im gonna do. i just love her so much, you know? shes this sweet little old lady. weighs like 98 pounds and is like 4'10. talks about her husband. god, if her husband were here it'd be so much easier. she talks about him & how good their life used to be together. its like since he's gone, she cant be happy anymore. he was her everything. i just want her to remember me. i just want her to know who i am. when my grandpa died, after i pretty much neglected him & wouldnt go visit him, i promised myself i'd never let that happen with my grandma. but its so hard cause it hurts so much to see her getting worse & worse. i just want her to be happy. and shes not gonna be happy until she can live alone and she cant do that. and i feel terrible cause i get so annoyed by her sometimes & i just wanna slap myself and be like "shes your grandmother she's 87 you wont have her much longer". but i barely have her anymore. and its SO hard on my dad. cause when she was in the rehab place she'd say how she had no idea what she had done to deserve this kind of treatment & stuff. and im like he's HELPING you. do you think he likes it to see his mother in a place like this? but its not safe her to live alone anymore like this is what has to be done & she doesnt get ittt. the place she was at was nice, too. it was clean and all the nurses were real nice and all the people htere. but she just wants to be alone in her house & that cant happen. she doesnt think theres anything wrong with her mind she really doesnt even though she asks you the same question atleast 3 times in one conversation. its just desinigrating. ugh. i just want my grandma. visiting her in that rehab place was sad cause she was in the same rehab that my grandpa was in when he died on thanksgiving day when i was in 8th grade. and when i would walk in i would see the chair i sat in sobbing after we found out, waiting for my parents cause i was afraid to see him dead. i hate death. it sucks.
idk. this didnt help. im just upset. and stressed. nothing's good anymore. usually in the morning when i wake up i think of something good going on that day to motivate me and for like the past two weeks i really cant think of anything. im in this SAT course thats 3 hrs long on sunday's & thursday & then you get all this homework to do in between & its just killer. and im so stressed about college. i just wanna go to Bryant. ugh. please.
larrie reynolds needs to go back to texas.
im done.
life hasn't been to great lately lol. rob moved to michigan after christmas to go to law school. i miss him a lot. but i accomplished my goal that ive been trying to get to every year of highschool and haven't been able to: im a distinguished scholar: finally! so my grandma is like horrible. and its so frustrating casue she cant help it. and its sad reading back to my old entries cause i thought she was bad THEN. and shes like 10x worse now . she tripped on a kitchen rug in her house & like did something to vertebrae in her neck so she's in this big neck brace & if she hurts it again she can get paralized & all. so she was in the hospital for 2 days so she could go to a rehab place and medicare would pay for it so she was in there for a while but then something happened & my dad took her out so now she's at our house until we find an assisted living place for her to go to or if we find someone to live with her 24/7 in her apartment cause shes not allowed to live alone anymore. and all she keeps talking about is how she wants to go home and how theres nothing wrong with her and how she doesnt understand why she cant live alone. she has a fucking broken neck. thats something wrong with you. and she cant remember anythingggg. its so depressing but so frustrating but i know she cant help it. ugh. and my dad has had to deal with it cause his fucking asshole of a brother is out in california not having to deal with shit. my uncle is an asshole. he barely calls her like he sends her flowers for holidays & her birthday & thats it. but apparently he's stopping here for like 2 days next weekend cause he has to go to Germany on business or something ? idk. hes an asshole. but its just sad. cause my grandma is such a good person. and im so close to her. like she's my favorite person in the world. and its just sad that she wont get to see stuff i want her to see. i want her to see me get married so badly. thats like my dream. you ever notice how no matter what, grandparents always think you're the best at everything? she talks all the time about how im so tall and so thin and so smart. im 5'0. im not thin. im in one honors class. but im amazing in her eyes. my dad always says how she estatic she was the day she got a granddaughter (she had my cousin timmy & my brother rob before me). we've always had such a bond. she was fun & lively. she'd babysit me & play games with me. she'd go out in the snow & build snowmen with me when we'd go to vermont on family vacations. and now she's being taken away from me. not physically but mentally, and thats the worst. cause physically she's there. i can hug her and kiss her and thats great but i know that in like a year from now even if she's still physically here, she wont be mentally here at all. its slow and painful, alzheimers. idk what im gonna do. i just love her so much, you know? shes this sweet little old lady. weighs like 98 pounds and is like 4'10. talks about her husband. god, if her husband were here it'd be so much easier. she talks about him & how good their life used to be together. its like since he's gone, she cant be happy anymore. he was her everything. i just want her to remember me. i just want her to know who i am. when my grandpa died, after i pretty much neglected him & wouldnt go visit him, i promised myself i'd never let that happen with my grandma. but its so hard cause it hurts so much to see her getting worse & worse. i just want her to be happy. and shes not gonna be happy until she can live alone and she cant do that. and i feel terrible cause i get so annoyed by her sometimes & i just wanna slap myself and be like "shes your grandmother she's 87 you wont have her much longer". but i barely have her anymore. and its SO hard on my dad. cause when she was in the rehab place she'd say how she had no idea what she had done to deserve this kind of treatment & stuff. and im like he's HELPING you. do you think he likes it to see his mother in a place like this? but its not safe her to live alone anymore like this is what has to be done & she doesnt get ittt. the place she was at was nice, too. it was clean and all the nurses were real nice and all the people htere. but she just wants to be alone in her house & that cant happen. she doesnt think theres anything wrong with her mind she really doesnt even though she asks you the same question atleast 3 times in one conversation. its just desinigrating. ugh. i just want my grandma. visiting her in that rehab place was sad cause she was in the same rehab that my grandpa was in when he died on thanksgiving day when i was in 8th grade. and when i would walk in i would see the chair i sat in sobbing after we found out, waiting for my parents cause i was afraid to see him dead. i hate death. it sucks.
idk. this didnt help. im just upset. and stressed. nothing's good anymore. usually in the morning when i wake up i think of something good going on that day to motivate me and for like the past two weeks i really cant think of anything. im in this SAT course thats 3 hrs long on sunday's & thursday & then you get all this homework to do in between & its just killer. and im so stressed about college. i just wanna go to Bryant. ugh. please.
larrie reynolds needs to go back to texas.
im done.