nobody said it was easy. . . .
why is it that i am the only one awake, it seems, in the universe?? and everytime i listen to coldplay, it brings me back to that time in my life. and the scientist always makes me bittersweet. if you can be bittersweet. like happy in love and sad at the same time.
right now, i should be doing something productive, but instead i am wandering around, thinking about how my life has changed, and how it needs to change differently??
in the past week so much has happened to me, but on the large scale of things, it could be nothing...i showed aaron this, and i was so worried because of the initial response. and i assumed the worst, because i could not handle the disappointment of losing what we have. and things are okay. absolutely great. i only hope he knows how much i love him. just a fraction of that. the whole mystery of love is not knowing how deeply someone loves you and exactly in which way they love you. just that you know that they care about you as much as they care about themselves. . . that is enough. for me it is.
i am sitting here thinking, wow, my life sucks...except for aaron. and i don't know why i am so down on myself....i mean, i'm not ugly by any means, but i need to lose weight....just for me. and i just did really well on a test that was important for me to do well again. but here i am in that usual mid semester slump. last year it lasted until summer. dear god, i cannot handle that. the urge to not go to class and justify it with pathetic excuses has to be silenced, cause i am better than that. i really am.
i was looking at hs pictures and i miss my innocence, er well, ignorance. cause it is bliss. i wanted so bad to know, i always want to know more and why, and i can't help but wonder what it would be like if i could go back to that and then see me now like that. happier?? sadder? the same. who knows? i swear you can see it in the pictures. . . somewhere around august before frosh year i just change looks. same smiling face, but somehow different, older and darker. and i have no idea how it happened, just snuck up on me.
and it occurs to me that i am an adult here. . .but i hardly act it. so irresponsible. imean, i always get my shit done, and mostly on time, but i should and could be way more efficient. who is going to want to hire someone mediocre?? mediocrity, that is what i am most afraid of, that and being all alone.....
i will never be alone though, i have great friends....and i miss them right now, but i know that the next time i see them, it will be like no time has passed. i love that. too bad it doesn't work like that with school and work. you have to keep at it, even when you have a crap day. that means gbl briefs at 6 am, and doing homework on a friday night, and updating your resume, even though you have no clue if you are doing it right or not.
but right now i cannot sleep. strange. i have been awake since 4 am. only a 2 hour nap. and i don't feel sick. but i am always v. concious of the fact that i could be slipping back into the whole insomnia thing. and then the depression and ocd, compulsiveness will come back. its strange how easily i can slip back into old habits. if i get bad sleep for a couple of days, then i will get all compulsive. and usually i pride myself on it, cause i get all of my crap done, but its really bad for me. so i guess it is better to be frustrated with myself and get less done, and be healthy?? but is that really what i want. gah, this is all so confusing.
i should have just written about how i got this great pink blanket at target, that is actually worth like 50 for only 4.98. i love target. that just makes my day. i am currently wrapped up in it, waiting for sleep to come. and my hand is starting to hurt. from typing. fuck. i need it for tomorrow, i have to type all of my notes, cause i cannot write v. well. it looks like a kindergardner. i should try the shower and chamomile tea approach, cause nothing else is working and i am out of things to read. (well except the good book as kreinen calls it). counting sheep? any suggestions?? i am open to suggestions, as long as they are well-intentioned.
classical music is on. .. .
good night loves...and happier less random post tomorrow, i promise!!
right now, i should be doing something productive, but instead i am wandering around, thinking about how my life has changed, and how it needs to change differently??
in the past week so much has happened to me, but on the large scale of things, it could be nothing...i showed aaron this, and i was so worried because of the initial response. and i assumed the worst, because i could not handle the disappointment of losing what we have. and things are okay. absolutely great. i only hope he knows how much i love him. just a fraction of that. the whole mystery of love is not knowing how deeply someone loves you and exactly in which way they love you. just that you know that they care about you as much as they care about themselves. . . that is enough. for me it is.
i am sitting here thinking, wow, my life sucks...except for aaron. and i don't know why i am so down on myself....i mean, i'm not ugly by any means, but i need to lose weight....just for me. and i just did really well on a test that was important for me to do well again. but here i am in that usual mid semester slump. last year it lasted until summer. dear god, i cannot handle that. the urge to not go to class and justify it with pathetic excuses has to be silenced, cause i am better than that. i really am.
i was looking at hs pictures and i miss my innocence, er well, ignorance. cause it is bliss. i wanted so bad to know, i always want to know more and why, and i can't help but wonder what it would be like if i could go back to that and then see me now like that. happier?? sadder? the same. who knows? i swear you can see it in the pictures. . . somewhere around august before frosh year i just change looks. same smiling face, but somehow different, older and darker. and i have no idea how it happened, just snuck up on me.
and it occurs to me that i am an adult here. . .but i hardly act it. so irresponsible. imean, i always get my shit done, and mostly on time, but i should and could be way more efficient. who is going to want to hire someone mediocre?? mediocrity, that is what i am most afraid of, that and being all alone.....
i will never be alone though, i have great friends....and i miss them right now, but i know that the next time i see them, it will be like no time has passed. i love that. too bad it doesn't work like that with school and work. you have to keep at it, even when you have a crap day. that means gbl briefs at 6 am, and doing homework on a friday night, and updating your resume, even though you have no clue if you are doing it right or not.
but right now i cannot sleep. strange. i have been awake since 4 am. only a 2 hour nap. and i don't feel sick. but i am always v. concious of the fact that i could be slipping back into the whole insomnia thing. and then the depression and ocd, compulsiveness will come back. its strange how easily i can slip back into old habits. if i get bad sleep for a couple of days, then i will get all compulsive. and usually i pride myself on it, cause i get all of my crap done, but its really bad for me. so i guess it is better to be frustrated with myself and get less done, and be healthy?? but is that really what i want. gah, this is all so confusing.
i should have just written about how i got this great pink blanket at target, that is actually worth like 50 for only 4.98. i love target. that just makes my day. i am currently wrapped up in it, waiting for sleep to come. and my hand is starting to hurt. from typing. fuck. i need it for tomorrow, i have to type all of my notes, cause i cannot write v. well. it looks like a kindergardner. i should try the shower and chamomile tea approach, cause nothing else is working and i am out of things to read. (well except the good book as kreinen calls it). counting sheep? any suggestions?? i am open to suggestions, as long as they are well-intentioned.
classical music is on. .. .
good night loves...and happier less random post tomorrow, i promise!!