got bruises on my heart, and sometimes i get dark....
aaron just called for the millionth time this week. he had nothing to say. all he succeeded in doing was making me cry. this isn't how it is supposed to be.
he said "i love you" four times. i counted them. and then proceeded to explain to me that he might not call or pick up tomorrow night while he is out on the town. honestly- in the same breath!!
and started our convo about how he wished that i was there so we could "have fun"
duh!!
i do too. and he always showers me with compliments, but somehow it just isn't the same. and i read into things, because i have no idea what he is going through....and how to take it. usually i am the experienced one when it comes to new life adventures. and this time all i have is my imagination- and somehow that always manages to run away with me. like now. he said he was going downstairs to play pool. and he got drunk last night and mentioned a hot tub...and i know he hangs out with 4 girls and 5 guys. i can only hope he is one of the odd ones out.
but at the same time i want him to be the popular one. cause i care about him. cause i love him. and i hate being the odd one out. and he shouldn't have to be cause he is attached. we had that conversation. he is free to do whatever, and so am i.
but the truth of the matter is, we aren't really free. at least i'm not. i am still so in love with him, that even the idea of another guy makes me want to cry.
i've never been like this before. when i was with josh, i admired others plenty. with aaron, i have all i ever wanted. except him right here by my side.
i am not adjusting to this long distance thing well at all. i always said i would never do this again. and here i am. but i also swore off guys right before i met aaron. for me to go on a date with him took some coaxing.
i took a chance with raul,and he ended up being cool- until he got weird. but i sort of blame his ex for that. my, the damage she has done. but i think i just liked him as a person and had lots of fun with him. with aaron, i have this connection.and he knows it. he always babbles about it when hes drunk. and i love that. i know he feels strange about it, which is why it only comes out when he is intoxicated. but i wish he would do it when he was sober too.
i can't complain. he is sensitive and attentive. i am just stressed about other things right now, and all i want is him here to reassure me. and i can't have that.
and he could never surprise me, cause i never stop moving. the instant i settle down, i usually start to cry. so keep me busy, keep me stressed- before i break.....
in the mean time, it is fruitless to cry. i have a bridge task due tomorrow. my last whack at it......and then, who knows. if not, i have a not so good grade. and then a calc exam. sometimes i really hate the timing of my life.
when can we get to the good stuff? i somehow think i pissed my family off. they never call me unless they need something. that makes me feel like real crap. esp cause they used to call all of the time. and when i am home, no one really cares what is going on in my life. they just constantly brag about my brother and his accomplishments. which is great, cause hes a great kid, but....
maybe if they were around when i was his age....and actually cared about my sports and activities. i guess i will just always be the black sheep that gets second place. i am not going to call them. next time i will just go home and take a shit load of sleeping pills like usual. so i can catch up on sleep and they don't have to feel bad for not talking to me.
hope will just brush me off. she used to care, but in actuality i think that she feels that i am a fuck up after all that has gone on lately. and i'm not. so i don't have a 3.8 gpa. there is more to life than grades. i will take my 3.3 anyday and be happier. too bad i'm not smiling right now.
i never used to be so negative it seems....but nothing is going my way right now. i cannot think of one single thing except that i am alive and breathing and can walk. ahh, my car isn't broken down and i didn't get a parking ticket today. there are two good things. both pessimistic though. aaron called. i should just be glad he cares enough about me to call. and that will just have to do for now.
i am dreading the weekend. i hope it surprises me. i like surprises.
i got a fortune today:
now is the time to try something new....
isn't that the truth. my right now isn't working for me.
he said "i love you" four times. i counted them. and then proceeded to explain to me that he might not call or pick up tomorrow night while he is out on the town. honestly- in the same breath!!
and started our convo about how he wished that i was there so we could "have fun"
duh!!
i do too. and he always showers me with compliments, but somehow it just isn't the same. and i read into things, because i have no idea what he is going through....and how to take it. usually i am the experienced one when it comes to new life adventures. and this time all i have is my imagination- and somehow that always manages to run away with me. like now. he said he was going downstairs to play pool. and he got drunk last night and mentioned a hot tub...and i know he hangs out with 4 girls and 5 guys. i can only hope he is one of the odd ones out.
but at the same time i want him to be the popular one. cause i care about him. cause i love him. and i hate being the odd one out. and he shouldn't have to be cause he is attached. we had that conversation. he is free to do whatever, and so am i.
but the truth of the matter is, we aren't really free. at least i'm not. i am still so in love with him, that even the idea of another guy makes me want to cry.
i've never been like this before. when i was with josh, i admired others plenty. with aaron, i have all i ever wanted. except him right here by my side.
i am not adjusting to this long distance thing well at all. i always said i would never do this again. and here i am. but i also swore off guys right before i met aaron. for me to go on a date with him took some coaxing.
i took a chance with raul,and he ended up being cool- until he got weird. but i sort of blame his ex for that. my, the damage she has done. but i think i just liked him as a person and had lots of fun with him. with aaron, i have this connection.and he knows it. he always babbles about it when hes drunk. and i love that. i know he feels strange about it, which is why it only comes out when he is intoxicated. but i wish he would do it when he was sober too.
i can't complain. he is sensitive and attentive. i am just stressed about other things right now, and all i want is him here to reassure me. and i can't have that.
and he could never surprise me, cause i never stop moving. the instant i settle down, i usually start to cry. so keep me busy, keep me stressed- before i break.....
in the mean time, it is fruitless to cry. i have a bridge task due tomorrow. my last whack at it......and then, who knows. if not, i have a not so good grade. and then a calc exam. sometimes i really hate the timing of my life.
when can we get to the good stuff? i somehow think i pissed my family off. they never call me unless they need something. that makes me feel like real crap. esp cause they used to call all of the time. and when i am home, no one really cares what is going on in my life. they just constantly brag about my brother and his accomplishments. which is great, cause hes a great kid, but....
maybe if they were around when i was his age....and actually cared about my sports and activities. i guess i will just always be the black sheep that gets second place. i am not going to call them. next time i will just go home and take a shit load of sleeping pills like usual. so i can catch up on sleep and they don't have to feel bad for not talking to me.
hope will just brush me off. she used to care, but in actuality i think that she feels that i am a fuck up after all that has gone on lately. and i'm not. so i don't have a 3.8 gpa. there is more to life than grades. i will take my 3.3 anyday and be happier. too bad i'm not smiling right now.
i never used to be so negative it seems....but nothing is going my way right now. i cannot think of one single thing except that i am alive and breathing and can walk. ahh, my car isn't broken down and i didn't get a parking ticket today. there are two good things. both pessimistic though. aaron called. i should just be glad he cares enough about me to call. and that will just have to do for now.
i am dreading the weekend. i hope it surprises me. i like surprises.
i got a fortune today:
now is the time to try something new....
isn't that the truth. my right now isn't working for me.