Apr 25, 2006 02:16
It's 2:16AM and I'm here to bitch and moan.
Lets see, yesterday I cried a little bit.
I got REALLY frusterated..
Basically wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
Not an option.. or so I am told.
December 2004, I stop working for Bank of America.
December 2005, I am still not working.
April 2006, still not working.
So.. it's a crossroads, I think. A little insanity, a little depervation, a little annoyance.. basically a little of everything.
I want to work, I CRAVE work, I do some graphic work to help me feel like I am accomplishing something. It's not enough though.
I was THIS close to asking Tom at Burner's about the position he had available, because my pain management was cooperating. Guess what?
BOOOOMBANGVOOM! The pain management goes out the door.. Apparently the Pilates felt good temporarily, but ended up effecting me long term.
WHAT THE FO? Ohhh and then, right after that happens I find out about Mister Syringomyelia.
Syringomyelia:
A Cyst that grows in your spinal cord that effects your nervous system. As it grows it cuts off more functions of the body.
For instance, the ability to tell if something is hot or cold. Or the ability to use all of your body parts. If the cyst
bursts then you have to have emergency surgery. That surgery could leave you paralyzed.. but so could the Syringomyelia.
All I have to say is, IT CANT JUST FUCKING BE SOMETHING SIMPLE, CAN IT???
So the saga continues.. Ohh and my dad, who has always since day one tried to get me to exercise and work out more often, is now scared.
Lovely feeling, having your dad tell you that perhaps you should hold off for a while.
Ooooooooh and guess what other thing is now effected? My social life. My back is now preventing me from hanging out.
No matter how much medicine I take, it still feels like shit.
This is where I sing "You had a bad day..."
I'm bitching and moaning because I dont know what else to do. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to be strong,
I'm trying to tell my body to knock it off, I'm trying to keep trying.
I'm lucky in one way. I have understanding parents. On the same token, I don't like depending on them.
They shouldnt have to be paying for EVERYTHING. I am now back to being 12 again, I get allowance.
That's right folks, at the age of 23.. I get allowance. You wanna know why? Because the state stopped paying me.
You wanna know something else? My dad had to refi the house in order to get the money to help pay for me.
Lovely feeling when you know your parents had to go into more debt for you. My dad did get a raise, thank god!
But, that will only last for so long. Ohh and I know he wants to retire.. but guess what? He can't. You know why?
Because of me.
All I can do, is hope and pray that I can repay them someday. Oh and someday soon.
One more thing, to top it all off.. I left my wallet at Issy's. I went back and got it, thought I had everything.
But then noticed I was missing $40. Sooooo, that leaves me with roughly $200 to my name, at this very moment. Thats it.
Two hundred smackaroonies. No more driving. No more eating. No more Starbucks. No more clothes. No more anything.
I AM BROKE.
I AM BROKEN.
I AM TIRED OF BOTH.