It gets worse before it gets better.
WARNING: This is an entry of self-pitty. I know. I did it to myself. But I'm still gonna vent.
Sooo Pretty much I've ruined my life. I feel completely unhappy. And I feel that it will be that way always.
I get knocked up by one of the most selfish guys I've ever met. Good God, do I know how to pick them. Sweet. Now I bring another child into the world who also has a piece of shit father and single handedly raise them and Aidyn. Or option B, give this child up so it can at least live well. Sounds better for me, Aidyn and Baby. There's no way I can raise and afford 2 kids alone... while I live with my mom... Then, who would want to be with a single mother of 2? I'll never be happy in that sense again. Plus, with as much as I work, I miss Aidyn sooooooo much... I wouldn't want to miss 2 babies. Then neither will have either parent around. Yikes.
Now... to tell my family. How the hell do I do that?! Aidyn's happy and excited that "mommy has a baby in her shirt." People are picking names and guessing the gender... This will be super hard... but I just can't do this right now. I can't do it alone again. I wanna be happy and in love with my baby's father so they will have a chance to be well taken care of and happy.
I was an idiot and made the dumbest fucking mistakes with the one guy I love. I had to play games and see what I was missing. Which turned out to a whole lot of nothing. Not over him, but definitely can't dwell. I am however totally confused at the bipolar-ism coming from him. Going from never trying with me again and never talking to me, telling me to forget him, to talking to me and helping me, to "when this is all over, did you wanna try?" Am I getting this right? not word for word, but to that affect is what I got. I'm prepared for none of this, so forgive my confusion. I am in love with you. But how will it work? I fear never being fogiven for mistakes I've made, intentional or not. I couldn't allow being punished over the past forever. Just as I wouldn't punish for your mistakes. I wanted to start over completely clean, regardless of what who did. I don't want to relive the past.
I'm physically miserable. I'm emotionally miserable. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm not good enough.
I guess it can only get worse before it gets better.