Stars in the Sky (I’ll Bring Them for You) 1/3
Title: Stars in the Sky (I’ll Bring Them for You)
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Beast
Pairing: Yoseob/Junhyung
Summary: Alternate Reality (AR). Finding your soulmate, your One, is like searching for a needle in a haystack the size of the world. Yoseob holds out hope that he'll be that lucky one day; what he's looking for, however, might be closer than he thinks.
This was my main entry for the 2013 round of olymfics. I thoroughly fell in love with junseob in the process of writing this, so I hope you enjoy!
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Yoseob couldn't say he knew what perfection was, but his first dream about his One was pretty damn close to it.
Blinking against the sunlight peeking through the window, buried in his pillow, Yoseob's head was flooded with her; all soft, dark hair and slim fingers and a tinkering laugh that echoed in his ears. Her face escaped his mind like a wisp of smoke in the air, and Yoseob couldn't recall her eyes or the shape of her nose or the curve of her lips for the life of him, but the feeling was still swirling through his mind, beating against his chest. She was his life, she was everything, she filled him up from the inside out and she was all Yoseob thought about, all he could hope for.
Filtering out the hiss of running water from the bathroom, the thud of footsteps outside the doorway, Yoseob threw his hand into the corner of his bunk and groped around until his fingers grazed his cell phone. He knew he couldn't record the sound of her voice or snap a picture of her fading image; still, he felt like he had to make a note of this date somehow.
Yoseob tapped his screen to life and squinted, taking in the numbers staring back at him. 8:12, August 14th, 2009. He repeated it in in his mind over and over, until he was half-sure it was branded to the front lobe of his brain; then Junhyung's voice broke his concentration, sounding just close enough to be poking his head through the doorway. "Yoseob, Hyunseung, get your asses out of bed already."
With a small sigh Yoseob tossed his phone down and wiggled around his covers until he was sliding down his bunk's ladder, feeling nearly weightless.
The giddy waves lapping through him rose to near ridiculous levels by lunchtime, but if the others took any notice of Yoseob's particularly good mood they made no mention of it, unless he counted Doojoon half-jokingly ordering him to shut up in the middle of his vocal warm ups in the shower.
Honestly, Yoseob was fine with it. Part of him wanted to keep his dream all for himself, to tuck it away in a safe corner of his mind and pamper it with frequent visits until it came true; even if it was a statistical needle in a haystack, that dream was too detailed, too real to be for nothing. It couldn't be.
Yoseob had never been one to keep things locked up inside him, though, and by their afternoon practice he couldn't keep it to himself anymore. They were gathered in a loose circle on the studio floor for their break, sweaty and winded, and even though Junhyung had ducked out to go buy them drinks at the convenience store, Yoseob seized the opportunity; it wasn't a big deal if he had to reiterate later.
Bouncing his legs up and down, Yoseob recounted every detail he could wrangle from his brain, from the pattern on his One's dress to the creamy glow of her skin. "And the feeling, man, she was it for me. I know it doesn't really make sense, but I was, I dunno, filled up, from head to toe. It was straight out of a movie or something," Yoseob's fingertips fiddled with the laces tucked into his high tops and he grinned at a wide-eyed Dongwoon.
"Some people really do have premonitions about their One. What if your dream was a premonition, hyung? That'd be so cool." Kikwang's brows were upturned in earnest, rocking back as he wrapped his arms around his knees, and Dongwoon made a noise of agreement. "That'd be awesome, hyung. Totally awesome."
"You know that the chances of actually meeting your One are depressingly small, right?" Hyunseung piped up from his spread-eagle position on the floor, lifting his head just enough to shoot the younger two an unimpressed look, and Kikwang rolled his eyes. Yoseob just curled his arms under his knees, Hyunseung's words catching and snapping without a chance under his excited energy. It was nothing they didn't already know anyway.
"Hey, stop ruining the fun," Doojoon leaned back on his forearm and stretched his foot out just enough to nudge Hyunseung's thigh. "Anything can happen. There really are people who have dreams and stuff about their One before they meet."
Hyunseung swatted at Doojoon's ankle and flopped over onto his stomach, swiping his sweaty bangs out of his eyes. "I didn't say it never happens, I just said it usually doesn't. Real life isn't like the movies." His dark gaze flicked up to Yoseob, and Yoseob knew him well enough now to understand that Hyunseung had no malicious intent behind his words. "I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm just telling the truth."
Yoseob's ears picked up the shuffle-click of the practice room door, the rustle of plastic as Junhyung's figure caught in the corner of his eye, and his lips quirked in a small smile toward Hyunseung. "I know. It's the truth, and I probably shouldn't get worked up, but what if I am one of those people? What if I meet my One soon? I could see her on the street tomorrow. What if that happens, guys?"
Yoseob never got an answer; the startling clatter to his right, the reverberations through the smooth wood floor had each of them whipping around to see a plastic bag lying open on the ground, sports drinks and bottled teas rolling in different directions; Junhyung stumbled back to the wall, sliding down to the ground once his back hit the hard surface.
It was Doojoon who moved first (springing up from his hands, narrowly missing Kikwang's outstretched leg), Dongwoon who spoke first (are you okay hyung?) and Yoseob who was frozen, who couldn't take his eyes off Junhyung's hunched shoulders, his face half-buried in his hands, his parted mouth pulling in uneven breaths. Doojoon was kneeling beside Junhyung before Yoseob's brain finally kicked into gear and he was scrambling up alongside the others, skidding to a halt in front of Junhyung.
"I...I don't feel so good." was all Junhyung gave in response to their questions, flitting his gaze around his fingers and over each of them before landing on Yoseob. Too many things tumbled through Junhyung's eyes for Yoseob to put a name to any of them; Junhyung's jaw clenched tight in a way that wasn't cold or hard or angry, not at all, and then he was back to pressing his palms into his eyes, gulping in unsteady breaths.
"Why don't you go back to the dorm and lay down?" Doojoon suggested, resting his hand on Junhyung's shoulder, and the others murmured their agreements. Junhyung gave a jerky nod and moved his hands from from his face to push away from the wall, batting Doojoon away when the older took hold of his bicep to help him stand. Kikwang and Hyunseung shuffled back a few steps to let Junhyung pass.
"I'll go with you, hyung." Dongwoon offered, taking a few quick steps to Junhyung's side, and this time Yoseob didn't hesitate.
"Me too," he added, swerving around Hyunseung to catch up to the two, and Junhyung's steps ground to a halt so fast the soles of his shoes screeched against the waxed floor.
"I don't need help," he said, eyes flicking to Yoseob for the barest of seconds before skittering over to Dongwoon. "And you guys still need to practice."
"You just practically collapsed, you think we're gonna let you walk all they way back to the dorm by yourself?" Junhyung's hunched form, his jumbled gaze and shaky breaths were fresh in the front of Yoseob's mind; somebody was going with him, and hell if he was going to let Junhyung be stubborn about it.
Junhyung's fingers curled tight at his sides, but he said nothing. It really wasn't like him, and Yoseob's concern was edging into serious territory, rising in his gut and clinging to his insides.
"I have to go get ready for my vocal lesson soon anyways, so why don't I just go with you?" Dongwoon's words were gentle in the absence of Junhyung's, and Doojoon spoke up in agreement, his voice laced with a finality that was hard to argue with.
"That sounds good. Dongwoon goes, the rest of us stay here and finish practice. Alright everyone?"
Yoseob made a noise of agreement with the others, catching the way Junhyung's shoulders slumped, how he nodded wordlessly. "Go straight to bed, okay hyung?" Kikwang called out, and Junhyung gave a lethargic wave over his shoulder as he and Dongwoon slipped out of the practice room. Yoseob watched their retreating forms through the glass doors, wishing he could have gone with them; instead he snagged the plastic bag off the floor and gathered up the forgotten drinks, bringing them over to the remaining three.
Practice dragged out another forty five minutes, and Yoseob quietly noted that just like him, the others were putting only half-hearted efforts into their movements. When they all dispersed for their individual lessons, Yoseob's feet started in the opposite direction of the practice room where his vocal teacher was waiting, wanting to carry him to the dorms. It was just a quick run, he only wanted to check in, make sure Junhyung hadn't passed out and hit his head on the bed frame or sink or something. His teacher wouldn't mind, right?
Yoseob ground himself to a halt, scuffing his shoes into the carpet, and spun on his heel to march back down the hall. Geez, since when was he such a mother hen? That was Junhyung's territory. He didn't have a reason to go to the dorms, not really; he could just shoot his friend a text like any other normal person.
He hovered at the doorway of the practice room, digging his phone out and tapping a hasty message before shoving it into his back pocket, slipping into the room and pulling the door shut behind him.
He managed to squeeze in a quick dinner with Doojoon and Dongwoon at the curry place down the street around seven before they rushed back to shut themselves away in the recording studio for just short of an eternity; Yoseob didn't get to drag himself back to the dorm until well past midnight.
He kicked his shoes off behind Hyunseung and made a beeline for the bedroom, intent on shucking his clothes off and crawling into bed; his eyes, though, zeroed in on the bottom right bunk as soon as he stepped through the doorway.
He couldn't actually see Junhyung under the lump of blankets, but the older's soft, steady breaths whispering through the cloth told Yoseob that he was still alive, at least. Tiny thoughts started zipping through his mind as he watched the faint rise and fall of covers, wondering if Junhyung had taken any medicine, wondering if he was too hot, too cold, if he'd eaten dinner; Yoseob was only jarred by Kikwang brushing past him, knocking shoulders by accident.
Dongwoon wandered in while Yoseob was tugging on his pajamas, toweling damp hair. "At least we get a day off tomorrow," he mumbled, tossing his towel in the direction of a laundry pile on the floor and collapsing onto his bunk. "Maybe we can go somewhere."
"You mean somewhere that's not closed?" Yoseob managed to poke at Dongwoon's leg with his toe as he climbed the ladder to his own bunk.
"Hey, even if we don't have our other lessons, we should at least try to get a dance practice in," Doojoon's voice drifted up from somewhere under his covers just before Hyunseung flicked off the light.
"Yes, leader," Kikwang's reply from the bottom bunk was half sarcastic, and Yoseob quickly buried himself under his comforter and collapsed onto his pillow, feeling the day's exhaustion weigh down hard and heavy on his frame.
"Can we dance to some other music then?" Hyunseung's muffled question came from the other side of Doojoon, and Yoseob's fading mind never caught the reply; he was dead to the world as soon as he slid his eyes shut.
When Yoseob's eyes cracked open again, it was without the shrill ring of his phone alarm, without the familiar voice of Doojoon or Junhyung yelling for him to get up. In fact, the only noise in the room was Kikwang's stuffy, rhythmic breathing from the lower bunk. Beyond the bedroom, his ears picked up was the faint clatter and shuffle of someone in the kitchen, the buzz of indistinguishable voices.
Yawning, Yoseob pulled his phone close to his face, only a little disappointed that he didn't remember the dream he might have had; it probably wasn't fair to expect two awesome dreams in a row. He peered at the screen, noting that it was almost ten. Later than he usually got to sleep, at any rate.
He wiggled out from under his covers and shimmied down his bunk ladder, eyeing Kikwang's sprawled form on the middle mattress and realizing they were the only two left in the room- even Hyunseung was nowhere to be seen. For a moment his eyes strayed to Junhyung's empty bunk, to the rumpled covers left behind.
He slipped out the door and padded through the living room towards the clatter in the kitchen, the indistinct conversation he'd heard in the bedroom becoming clear as he neared.
"-but why did you have to get plain juk? Get red bean, at the very least."
That was Junhyung's voice, definitely, slightly rough and more than a little whiney, and a small flood of relief washed through Yoseob at hearing his friend sound more like his normal self.
"Stop complaining and eat it, it'll help you get better." That was Doojoon's voice, and Yoseob peered through the wide doorway in time to see their leader throwing a stern look from his place in front of the open fridge to Junhyung slouched at the counter, pouting at the styrofoam container full of juk in front of him. Hyunseung was leaning next to the sink, absently sucking on a popsicle, and a mussy-haired Dongwoon was rummaging through the cabinets.
"Feeling better, huh?" Yoseob's question had the others shooting him a casual glance as he stepped into the tiny space; Junhyung's eyes, though, swept over Yoseob, and his face packed away the slack pout he'd sported just seconds before, brow creased and mouth pursed and jaw set just a bit tighter as he zeroed in on his juk again.
"Sort of," Junhyung mumbled, grabbing up the wide-mouthed spoon next to his container and burying it into the bland white goo in front of him. The pit of Yoseob's stomach clenched against the uneasy feeling that started bleeding down into it like a thick syrup, heavy and a little sickening; Junhyung's easy demeanor had closed up tight, and the only factor that differed from half a minute ago was Yoseob himself.
"We should get him something spicy," Hyunseung piped up as Yoseob padded over to squeeze between Dongwoon and the fridge, gesturing toward Junhyung with his half-eaten popsicle.
"I don't have a cold," Junhyung protested through a mouthful of the bland porridge, darting his gaze over to Hyunseung.
"Then we'll get you ginseng chicken soup or something." Doojoon swung the fridge door shut and moved down the counter to fiddle with the rice cooker.
Dongwoon, apparently giving up his search, pushed the cabinet shut empty-handed. "What about some ox bone soup?"
"You wanna eat ox bone soup in the middle of summer?" Yoseob remarked, half to rib Dongwoon and half to distract himself from the fact that Junhyung hadn't given him so much as a glance since he walked in.
Dongwoon shrugged as he shuffled over to grab a water bottle from the fridge."It's not that weird, hyung."
There was a high-pitched beep from the rice cooker as Doojoon plugged it in and pressed one of the buttons. "How about we head down to the dance room after lunch? Does that sound okay to everyone?" He asked, turning around to lean against the counter, and Yoseob voiced his agreement with Dongwoon and Hyunseung. Junhyung stayed quiet, stirring around his juk and reluctantly taking another bite.
"Hey Jun, since it's our day off anyway, why don't you just hang around the dorm and rest?" Doojoon padded over to the sink and started collecting clean bowls from the drying rack, peering over his shoulder. Junhyung flicked his gaze up to Doojoon over Yoseob's head.
"Okay." He slurped down one more spoonful of the juk before he laid the utensil down on the counter.
"I'm gonna go back to bed. Thanks for getting the food." Junhyung popped the lid back on the styrofoam container and took it to the fridge, brushing Doojoon's shoulder on his way out of the kitchen. Yoseob folded his arms and slumped forward onto the tiny counter space, stomach roiling; he berated himself for the feeling, because there was absolutely no reason for Junhyung to be avoiding him. Yoseob was just reading too much into the situation.
He ended up skipping out on lunch at the dorm and instead retreated down into the lower building to shut himself away in one of the tiny practice rooms; he told himself he really did want to do vocal warm ups, and he wasn't just holed up by himself because Doojoon had asked him to go wake up Junhyung.
Yoseob stayed there for an hour, tinkering with the piano pushed against the wall, running through a few songs on his mp3 player; he took a break to buy dduk bokki from the food stand across the street, and by the time he was finished with his lonely little lunch it was time to meet up with the others for dance practice.
It was more playtime than actual practice, really; they each played their own songs and made up stupid choreo and goofed off, and Yoseob found himself missing Junhyung's sharp wit, his easy humor that usually had them all doubled over. Thinking of Junhyung brought out the uneasy gripping in his gut again, and Yoseob was really, really sick of it.
So when they called it quits, when Dongwoon and Doojoon followed Kikwang to the gym and Hyunseung wandered off to do vocal practice on his own, Yoseob gathered his things and headed back across the street, a half-formed idea jumping around his head.
The older woman running the food stand smiled at Yoseob in recognition when she spotted him approaching. "Back so soon, eh?"
Yoseob returned the smile, digging into his back pocket for his wallet. "I'll take four hoddeok this time, please."
Yoseob bounced on his heels as he watched the woman stuff the hoddeok dough with brown sugar and press them flat onto the griddle at her side; when she had each of them wrapped up Yoseob handed over his money, quickly bowing as he turned to dash back across the street and into his building.
He decided that he could go faster on his own if he tried; Yoseob skipped the elevator and rushed up the stairs, taking them two at a time when he could, until he reached their dorm's floor, pausing only to key in the security code and suck in a few deep breaths.
Toeing his shoes off at the doorway, Yoseob darted towards the bedroom, bursting through the door and scaring the shit out of Junhyung, who was perched in bed with a notebook in his lap and a headphone cord hanging from his left ear.
"What the hell?" Junhyung tossed the pen in his hand down onto his open notebook and yanked his earbud out, eyeing Yoseob like he'd grown another head and a pair of tits.
Yoseob quickly slid his parcel behind his back, wheezing a few breaths in and out. "I, uh, got you a present."
Yoseob shuffled forward and held the package of hoddeok out to Junhyung, who took it somewhat hesitantly. When he'd pulled the paper apart just enough to see what was inside, Junhyung's eyes jumped back to Yoseob. "Hoddeok?"
"Yep. Ta da!" Yoseob slid his bag off his shoulder and onto the floor, plopping down on the end of Junhyung's bed and ducking to avoid the frame of the top bunk. "The others have been making you eat boring stuff all day, so I got you something you actually like." Yoseob forced himself not to add and whatever I did to piss you off, I'm sorry.
Junhyung glanced at the treat in his hands before his gaze was back on Yoseob, the most he'd looked at him all day, and Junhyung's brow scrunched just a bit. "Why are you out of breath?"
Yoseob paused, hardly realizing that he was still dragging in his air. "Uh, I ran up here from across the street so they wouldn't get cold. Cold hoddeok sucks."
He scratched the back of his neck as Junhyung stared at him, his eyes jumping and shifting in that way Yoseob couldn't read at all; then his shoulders drooped, mouth relaxing in a quiet chuckle, giving his head a quick shake. This time, Yoseob definitely saw the warmth seep into Junhyung's eyes. "Idiot. Thanks, though."
Junhyung picked up one of the hoddeok and bit into it, holding out the others, and a rush of relief swept through Yoseob; he grinned widely and leaned over to pluck up one of the warm pancakes.
"I'll only take one, cause I'm a nice guy like that." Yoseob made a show of pushing the rest of the hoddeok back to Junhyung, bowing dramatically, and Junhyung laughed.
"How generous of you," Junhyung retorted around a mouthful, shoving Yoseob's arm away, and Yoseob felt stupid for ever thinking that Junhyung would silently hold a grudge against him; Jun wasn't that kind of person.
Yoseob belly flopped onto the mattress, hoddeok hanging out of his mouth, and Junhyung swatted at him. "Hey, you're gonna get crumbs all over my bed," he tried to nag, but it was ruined by his breathy chuckles.
"You wanna hear about all the things we didn't get done at practice?" Yoseob swallowed his syrupy mouthful and peered up at Junhyung, meeting his eyes, and another wave of relief lapped through his chest and wound down his arms.
"Tell me all about it." Junhyung scooted up against his pillows, giving Yoseob an easy grin, eyes shining, and Yoseob couldn't help but think it was the best thing he'd seen all day.
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"Do you have access yet?"
"Does it look like I do?" Doojoon grumbled, tearing his eyes away from his laptop perched on his crossed legs to shoot Kikwang an annoyed look; he turned back to his work, fingers moving across the keyboard. "I didn't know you had to give your whole freakin' life story just to sign up for this thing."
"What if nobody's even talking about us? It’s barely been two weeks, guys, it's probably too soon," Hyunseung remarked, stomach-down on the floor between a clothing rack and Kikwang. It wasn’t like anyone had forgotten that their debut was hanging fresh over their shoulders, but Hyunseung kind of had a point.
"Or what if everybody hates us? Maybe this is a bad idea. No, this is definitely a bad idea. We shouldn't do this," Dongwoon added from Yoseob's side.
"We've come this far, Dongwoon, we can't back out now." Yoseob readily admitted to himself that Dongwoon was right, and it probably wasn't the smartest idea for them to anonymously surf chatrooms, but the eager curiosity pulsing through each of them made it impossible to resist, overrode the thought of any potential repercussions.
"What's today's date?" Doojoon asked, still staring at the computer screen.
"Sunday," Kikwang piped up immediately; Doojoon's fingers hovered over the keyboard as he turned to his right to pin Kikwang with another look, and though Yoseob was wedged on Doojoon's opposite side, he could imagine the expression almost perfectly.
"The date, smart one, not the day of the week." Junhyung, who was kneeling behind Kikwang and Doojoon, made no effort to hold back the biting sarcasm in his voice. Kikwang curled his lower lip out in a pout and jerked the right half of his body, and around Doojoon's head Yoseob's eyes caught the tilt of Junhyung's tank top-clad shoulders, the way his biceps strained and wobbled as he balanced his hands on Kikwang's and Doojoon's shoulders.
"It's November first, hyung," Dongwoon supplied, and Doojoon resumed his typing until he let out a triumphant noise. "Finally! I'm in." They all leaned in a bit closer to Doojoon, though Junhyung had to half-rise onto his feet to see the screen.
"Let's see, Beast...Beast..." Doojoon mumbled, tapping one of the keys to scroll down the chat. "Aha. I think Beast is really cool," Doojoon read out loud, eyes trailing over the screen, and he turned to sweep his gaze over rest of them with a wide grin. "See, that's not too bad, huh?"
Kikwang shifted in closer. "What do you think about Yoseob? He's my favorite- Ah, they're talking about you, hyung," Kikwang glanced around Doojoon to Yoseob, and Yoseob leaned over Doojoon's arm to see the screen clearly, a tiny, giddy warmth rising in his stomach; he still could hardly believe the way fans screamed at him during their performances, couldn't get over the idea of being someone's favorite, and honestly, he hoped he never got over it.
-what do you think about Yoseob? he's my favorite~
-hes sooooo cute!! omooo
- Yeah, in a little brother way I guess. he looks like hes 12. and the blond hair doesn't really suit him
"I don't look twelve," Yoseob muttered, unconsciously snaking a hand up to smooth down his bleached locks.
"Whatever you say," Doojoon remarked behind him, his tone drawn out, teasing, and Yoseob elbowed him in the stomach before focusing back on the chat.
-i don't know why everyone thinks he's so cute. his face is too fat
-IKR they should have got him a nose job before he debuted, too late now
-Shut up!! don't talk about him like that ):<
"Wow, assholes," Doojoon's voice was close to his ear, but Yoseob only half-registered it as the warmth in his stomach iced over, dropping like a lead weight.
"Did they really-" Dongwoon muttered over Yoseob's shoulder, and Kikwang reached over to pat him on the arm.
"Don't listen to them, hyung. Haters come with the business, right?"
Yoseob couldn't let the words stay clogged in his throat, couldn't let the pressure in his chest twist and ripple over his face where the others could see, so he quickly gushed out a big sigh, pursing his lips in a pout.
"I guess I that's what I get for wanting to creep around the internet. We can't expect everyone to be nice, can we?" He spread his hands out on the floor behind him and leaned back, trying to let his own words seep into his brain, his skin, his bones.
He got a few more pats and jostles, and he knew the others were reassured by his reaction, already letting the harsh words roll from the fronts of their minds. Only Junhyung stared at Yoseob, mouth drawn, eyes tracing Yoseob's face in a way that had Yoseob averting his own gaze; for some reason, it felt like Junhyung's eyes could unravel exactly what Yoseob was trying to hide if he was allowed to look any longer.
"Has nobody talked about Dongwoon yet? I swear his mother must have had an affair with a foreigner-" Kikwang read the newest line of the chat out loud, his voice dissolving into giggles, and Hyunseung's cackling laugh almost overshadowed Dongwoon's squawk.
"It's not funny, hyung, that's my mom they're talking about!" Dongwoon leaned past Yoseob to throw a glare down the line, and Yoseob's little incident was officially put to rest.
Yoseob didn't mean to, he really didn't; but later that night when he was bent over the bathroom sink brushing his teeth, Yoseob met his reflection in the mirror and his eyes snagged on the curves of his pudgy cheeks, the pale strands of damp hair clinging to his face. He brought a hand up to trace his fingers over the wide bridge of his nose, wishing he could let those stupid comments slide off his shoulders as easily as he made everyone believe.
A movement in the mirror caught his eye and Yoseob snapped his head around, finding Junhyung leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, mouth drawn tight. Yoseob immediately let his hand fall from his face, a flush of embarrassment burning through him.
"Anyone who thinks that about you is a fucking idiot." Junhyung's words were whip-sharp, hard in a way he almost never allowed his voice to be, and Yoseob's heart struck a beat against his ribcage.
Scrambling to save face, to regain some direction in this situation where Junhyung had sent it spinning out of Yoseob's hands, Yoseob rolled out a grin, leaning his hands against the sink. "It's really not that big a de-"
"Hey," Junhyung interrupted, his tone softening around the edges as he pushed off the doorway and padded towards Yoseob. "I'm serious." He reached out and rested a hand on Yoseob's shoulder, and Yoseob's gut quivered under Junhyung's gaze, the same one that plucked out everything Yoseob tried to stash away. Junhyung saw straight through the bullshit Yoseob threw out, unlike Kikwang or Dongwoon or even Doojoon, and it made a strange sort of relief pool in Yoseob's stomach.
As the false bravado fizzled out of him almost before it could begin, Yoseob's shoulders slumped, breaking his gaze to fall somewhere at Junhyung's chest. "Thanks, Jun," He murmured; in his peripheral he saw Junhyung's other arm come up to wrap around his neck, pulling Yoseob into a loose hug. Yoseob leaned into it, resting his forehead on Junhyung's shoulder, and some of that warmth that had frozen inside him earlier began to thaw, trickling through his chest and down to his tingling limbs.
After a moment Junhyung pulled back a little, snaking his hand down to pinch Yoseob in the side. "Now get out of here," he demanded, pushing Yoseob towards the door, his mouth upturning in a small grin, "You're hogging the bathroom."
Yoseob ducked back into the bedroom with a grin of his own, and as he climbed the ladder to his own bed, buried himself under the covers, those harsh comments floated through his mind once more, like a buzzing fly; but unlike last time, the warmth coursing through him didn't dissipate, his chest didn't clench, and as he laid his head down on his pillow, he swatted the words to the back of his brain like the inconsequential things they were.
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For all the days Yoseob had spent dwelling in that little corner of his mind where the fuzzy memories of his One were tucked, for all the nights Yoseob wished he could have another dream of her, when it finally happened, it was less satisfying than he had imagined.
He still couldn't recall a single feature of her face, and as Yoseob lay there, staring at the ceiling, he realized her laugh was an echo of an echo, faint and distorted to the point where he didn't recognize the sound. He wasn't sure if she'd been wearing a dress or jeans, if her dark hair had been pulled back or left to fall loose across her shoulders. He still remembered the feeling, though, of being consumed by her presence, of being filled with nothing but her.
It left a strange mix of giddiness and disappointment wrestling through his insides, and Yoseob didn't know what to make of it; Doojoon poked his head through the door, and Yoseob sat up, throwing him a short wave. "Time to get moving guys, we have a performance to get ready for." There was a muffled response from Kikwang in the bottom bunk, and Doojoon climbed up to the top right bunk and shake Hyunseung awake.
Yoseob tried to work through his thoughts in the shower, to settle his tangled emotions. Was there a reason his new dream was less vivid than the last one? It seemed like a bad sign. It seemed like a step backwards from meeting his One. Still, he had dreamed of her, after all these months, and that feeling of her being his was still as fresh and clear as the first time, so that had to count for something, didn't it?
He left the bathroom as conflicted as when he'd entered, the contrary emotions knocking around in his chest and leaving him in a weird mood as he trekked back into the bedroom to gather up his dirty clothes on the floor. There wasn't much he could do about a dream, anyway. He shook his head, trying to clear the strange feeling as he ducked out the doorway and headed through the kitchen to the laundry room.
The laundry room door was almost completely shut, only cracked open a bare sliver, and that in itself was strange; but there was also the indistinct hum of voices from behind the door, becoming clearer as Yoseob approached.
"-what I'm supposed to do." that was Junhyung's voice, without a doubt, and Yoseob's fingers hovered at the door. Guilt pricked at him almost immediately, like he was trying to eavesdrop or something, so he went ahead and pushed the door open.
"Right now, waiting is the only thing you can do-" Hyunseung's reply was cut off as Yoseob peeked through the doorway. Junhyung was leaning against the washer, arms crossed tight over his chest, and Hyunseung was perched on top of the dryer, leaning forward on his legs; they both whipped their gazes to Yoseob, and Yoseob watched Junhyung's eyes widen just a little bit.
"Why are you guys holed up in the laundry room? What are you talking about?" Yoseob tried to keep his tone light despite feeling awkward, swamped in the thick atmosphere, like he'd intruded on something; Junhyung's chest deflated in a rush of air.
"It's nothing. Don't worry about it." Junhyung's voice was nothing close to smooth or relaxed like his words, and he brushed past Yoseob to slip out the door without a single glance at Yoseob himself.
Hyunseung hopped down from the dryer, meeting Yoseob's confused gaze, and if Yoseob had been hoping for Hyunseung to shed some light on the situation he was let down; Hyunseung just shrugged wordlessly, the corner of his mouth quirking a tiny bit in a sympathetic gesture, and he patted Yoseob on the shoulder as he passed.
Left alone in the tiny room, Yoseob stared at the floor, the battle in his chest raging on until a gut-twisting mix of leftover disappointment and irritation and other hard, ugly things grabbed hold of him. He chucked his armful cloths into the hamper next to the washer and stalked out of the laundry room.
He didn't even know why his mood had turned so sour. It wasn't like his group members weren't allowed to have private conversations; he didn't need to be included in everything. But Junhyung was worrying about something, had an issue that was big enough to seek advice on, and...well, they were all close to each other, but Yoseob had been pretty damn sure until that moment that he was closer to Junhyung than Hyunseung.
Yoseob let out a sharp sigh and crossed into the living room. Dongwoon was perched on the floor, zeroed in on the purple DS in his hands emitting the unmistakable 8-bit melodies of a pokemon battle, and Yoseob shuffled over to flop down next to him. Peering at the screen of the handheld device, Yoseob threw Dongwoon a critical glance.
"Why are you catching a hoppip? Hoppips blow dick." His tone was about two shades away from being downright mean, but Yoseob was still struggling with the roiling in his chest, the simmering in his gut, and he almost couldn't help himself.
Dongwoon spared a second to flick his eyes to Yoseob, mouth pursing in a pout. "I like them. What does it matter anyway, hyung? You gonna tell me what pokemon I can and can't catch?"
Still not feeling too generous, Yoseob stretched his legs out, leaning back on his hands. "Fine, suit yourself, but don't start whining when I kick your ass 'cause your team sucks."
Dongwoon let out a scoff, turning his attention to Yoseob again. "Hyung, you haven't even played in like, two months. How are you so sure you can beat me?"
"It hasn't been that long," Yoseob protested, though in reality he couldn't even remember the last time he'd devoted his attention to Soul Silver. Dongwoon clearly wasn't buying it either.
"It's almost the end of January. I haven't seen you pick up your DS since before we started performing Mystery."
Dongwoon was totally right, though Yoseob hated to admit it. Smacking his feet to the floor, Yoseob pushed himself up. "Whatever, it doesn't matter if I haven't played in a while, I can still demolish you."
Dongwoon narrowed his eyes at Yoseob over his screen. "Is that a challenge?"
Feeling the grip on his insides unfurl just a bit, Yoseob's mouth stretched in a grin. "Hell yeah it is," he retorted, and bounded off to their bedroom to dig out his own DS.
Yoseob had to admit, though, it wasn't his proudest moment when Doojoon padded into the living room to him bent over his console, shoulder to shoulder with Dongwoon, screeching "Use double-team one more time, I fucking dare you!"
"What are you guys doing? We have to go." Doojoon sounded only slightly exasperated, so Yoseob didn't bother glancing up.
"We're having an epic battle, hyung," Dongwoon replied for the both of them, quickly tapping buttons as he scrolled through his items, and Doojoon sighed.
"You can have your epic battle in the van, c'mon."
Reluctantly, Yoseob and Dongwoon snapped their consoles shut to go grab their bags and follow the others to the door, toeing on their shoes on the way out. As they rode the elevator to the ground floor and trekked outside, Yoseob stared at the back of Junhyung's head, feeling a little less irritated and a little more foolish.
Junhyung shot him a few glances when they were piling into the van, biting the corner of his mouth in the way he did when something was on his mind; but Dongwoon was ushering Yoseob into the back with him to finish their battle, and Yoseob had to pass on sliding next to Junhyung, knocking shoulders with him, quietly telling him not to worry about whatever had him so worked up.
Even with the remixed version of Mystery, their performance was a smooth ride; like always, Yoseob found himself standing at the edge of the stage, heart thrumming in anticipation for the moment they had to hurry out into position. Before he knew it they were freezing into their ending poses, the music cutting off, shuffling backstage in a mess of sweaty limbs and wheezing breaths and fizzling adrenaline.
They were ushered back into the dressing room to shuck off their stage outfits, and Junhyung ducked out of the room almost as soon as he had his clothes back. Yoseob had just finished tugging his own shirt back on and pushing his damp bangs from his eyes when Junhyung slipped back into the room, swerving around Kikwang hopping out of his slacks and approaching Yoseob with a water bottle.
"Thanks man." Yoseob took the bottle and quickly unscrewed the cap, chugging down about half the contents before he spied Junhyung holding out something else; a pack of Yoseob's favorite gum.
"Uh, one of the staff gave it to me, so you can have it." It was a bullshit lie, and Yoseob knew Junhyung was fully aware of it, so he took the peace offering for what it was and plucked it from Junhyung's fingers, unwrapping a piece for himself.
Junhyung bit the corner of his mouth again, flicking his eyes over to the rest of their group members before coming back to Yoseob. "Look, about the thing in the laundry room-"
"Hey," Yoseob interrupted, popping the gum into his mouth with a small grin. "Don't worry about it. No big deal."
Junhyung didn't return the smile, his gaze ticking over Yoseob's expression. "I don't want you to think that I was, I dunno, excluding you or anything. I didn't mean to make it weird."
"Jun, it's fine, I swear." Yoseob's smile softened a little as he took in Junhyung's pursed mouth, the strands of hair matted to his forehead, the traces of eyeliner smudged in the corners of his eyes that he hadn't managed to wipe off.
He knew Junhyung was truly worried that he'd hurt Yoseob's feelings, and as Yoseob thought back on his twisted, warring emotions from earlier, he was a little ashamed at his immaturity. "You can talk to whoever about whatever, and you don't have to feel bad about it."
Junhyung let out a low sigh, and some of his tension escaped with it, shoulders relaxing and mouth stretching into a grin as he reached up to ruffle Yoseob's hair. Yoseob laughed, batting the hand away with no real force.
Meeting Junhyung's eyes again, Yoseob's smile shrank just a fraction as a new thought pushed to the front of his brain. "Y'know, if you want a whoever, I'm here to listen to whatever, whenever."
Yoseob raised his hands to his cheeks and fanned his fingers out, grinning wide in an attempt to cover up how serious his words actually were, though as usual,Yoseob suspected Junhyung saw straight through it. The humor in Junhyung's own face didn't fade, but something shuttered away in his eyes, jumping and flickering with those unreadable things Yoseob could never catch.
"Yeah, I know."
A second later Doojoon was behind Junhyung, clapping him on the shoulders. "Alright guys, let's go eat. Food, food," He chanted, grinning at Yoseob over Junhyung's head.
"Can we get pizza?" Hyunseung asked, approaching with Dongwoon in tow, and Yoseob counted their little conversation officially over.
Still, as Yoseob grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder, his eyes darting over to watch Junhyung collect his own bag, he couldn't help but wonder one last time, a little shamefully, what Junhyung and Hyunseung had been discussing, and why it was such a secret.
Part 2
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Beast
Pairing: Yoseob/Junhyung
Summary: Alternate Reality (AR). Finding your soulmate, your One, is like searching for a needle in a haystack the size of the world. Yoseob holds out hope that he'll be that lucky one day; what he's looking for, however, might be closer than he thinks.
This was my main entry for the 2013 round of olymfics. I thoroughly fell in love with junseob in the process of writing this, so I hope you enjoy!
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Yoseob couldn't say he knew what perfection was, but his first dream about his One was pretty damn close to it.
Blinking against the sunlight peeking through the window, buried in his pillow, Yoseob's head was flooded with her; all soft, dark hair and slim fingers and a tinkering laugh that echoed in his ears. Her face escaped his mind like a wisp of smoke in the air, and Yoseob couldn't recall her eyes or the shape of her nose or the curve of her lips for the life of him, but the feeling was still swirling through his mind, beating against his chest. She was his life, she was everything, she filled him up from the inside out and she was all Yoseob thought about, all he could hope for.
Filtering out the hiss of running water from the bathroom, the thud of footsteps outside the doorway, Yoseob threw his hand into the corner of his bunk and groped around until his fingers grazed his cell phone. He knew he couldn't record the sound of her voice or snap a picture of her fading image; still, he felt like he had to make a note of this date somehow.
Yoseob tapped his screen to life and squinted, taking in the numbers staring back at him. 8:12, August 14th, 2009. He repeated it in in his mind over and over, until he was half-sure it was branded to the front lobe of his brain; then Junhyung's voice broke his concentration, sounding just close enough to be poking his head through the doorway. "Yoseob, Hyunseung, get your asses out of bed already."
With a small sigh Yoseob tossed his phone down and wiggled around his covers until he was sliding down his bunk's ladder, feeling nearly weightless.
The giddy waves lapping through him rose to near ridiculous levels by lunchtime, but if the others took any notice of Yoseob's particularly good mood they made no mention of it, unless he counted Doojoon half-jokingly ordering him to shut up in the middle of his vocal warm ups in the shower.
Honestly, Yoseob was fine with it. Part of him wanted to keep his dream all for himself, to tuck it away in a safe corner of his mind and pamper it with frequent visits until it came true; even if it was a statistical needle in a haystack, that dream was too detailed, too real to be for nothing. It couldn't be.
Yoseob had never been one to keep things locked up inside him, though, and by their afternoon practice he couldn't keep it to himself anymore. They were gathered in a loose circle on the studio floor for their break, sweaty and winded, and even though Junhyung had ducked out to go buy them drinks at the convenience store, Yoseob seized the opportunity; it wasn't a big deal if he had to reiterate later.
Bouncing his legs up and down, Yoseob recounted every detail he could wrangle from his brain, from the pattern on his One's dress to the creamy glow of her skin. "And the feeling, man, she was it for me. I know it doesn't really make sense, but I was, I dunno, filled up, from head to toe. It was straight out of a movie or something," Yoseob's fingertips fiddled with the laces tucked into his high tops and he grinned at a wide-eyed Dongwoon.
"Some people really do have premonitions about their One. What if your dream was a premonition, hyung? That'd be so cool." Kikwang's brows were upturned in earnest, rocking back as he wrapped his arms around his knees, and Dongwoon made a noise of agreement. "That'd be awesome, hyung. Totally awesome."
"You know that the chances of actually meeting your One are depressingly small, right?" Hyunseung piped up from his spread-eagle position on the floor, lifting his head just enough to shoot the younger two an unimpressed look, and Kikwang rolled his eyes. Yoseob just curled his arms under his knees, Hyunseung's words catching and snapping without a chance under his excited energy. It was nothing they didn't already know anyway.
"Hey, stop ruining the fun," Doojoon leaned back on his forearm and stretched his foot out just enough to nudge Hyunseung's thigh. "Anything can happen. There really are people who have dreams and stuff about their One before they meet."
Hyunseung swatted at Doojoon's ankle and flopped over onto his stomach, swiping his sweaty bangs out of his eyes. "I didn't say it never happens, I just said it usually doesn't. Real life isn't like the movies." His dark gaze flicked up to Yoseob, and Yoseob knew him well enough now to understand that Hyunseung had no malicious intent behind his words. "I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm just telling the truth."
Yoseob's ears picked up the shuffle-click of the practice room door, the rustle of plastic as Junhyung's figure caught in the corner of his eye, and his lips quirked in a small smile toward Hyunseung. "I know. It's the truth, and I probably shouldn't get worked up, but what if I am one of those people? What if I meet my One soon? I could see her on the street tomorrow. What if that happens, guys?"
Yoseob never got an answer; the startling clatter to his right, the reverberations through the smooth wood floor had each of them whipping around to see a plastic bag lying open on the ground, sports drinks and bottled teas rolling in different directions; Junhyung stumbled back to the wall, sliding down to the ground once his back hit the hard surface.
It was Doojoon who moved first (springing up from his hands, narrowly missing Kikwang's outstretched leg), Dongwoon who spoke first (are you okay hyung?) and Yoseob who was frozen, who couldn't take his eyes off Junhyung's hunched shoulders, his face half-buried in his hands, his parted mouth pulling in uneven breaths. Doojoon was kneeling beside Junhyung before Yoseob's brain finally kicked into gear and he was scrambling up alongside the others, skidding to a halt in front of Junhyung.
"I...I don't feel so good." was all Junhyung gave in response to their questions, flitting his gaze around his fingers and over each of them before landing on Yoseob. Too many things tumbled through Junhyung's eyes for Yoseob to put a name to any of them; Junhyung's jaw clenched tight in a way that wasn't cold or hard or angry, not at all, and then he was back to pressing his palms into his eyes, gulping in unsteady breaths.
"Why don't you go back to the dorm and lay down?" Doojoon suggested, resting his hand on Junhyung's shoulder, and the others murmured their agreements. Junhyung gave a jerky nod and moved his hands from from his face to push away from the wall, batting Doojoon away when the older took hold of his bicep to help him stand. Kikwang and Hyunseung shuffled back a few steps to let Junhyung pass.
"I'll go with you, hyung." Dongwoon offered, taking a few quick steps to Junhyung's side, and this time Yoseob didn't hesitate.
"Me too," he added, swerving around Hyunseung to catch up to the two, and Junhyung's steps ground to a halt so fast the soles of his shoes screeched against the waxed floor.
"I don't need help," he said, eyes flicking to Yoseob for the barest of seconds before skittering over to Dongwoon. "And you guys still need to practice."
"You just practically collapsed, you think we're gonna let you walk all they way back to the dorm by yourself?" Junhyung's hunched form, his jumbled gaze and shaky breaths were fresh in the front of Yoseob's mind; somebody was going with him, and hell if he was going to let Junhyung be stubborn about it.
Junhyung's fingers curled tight at his sides, but he said nothing. It really wasn't like him, and Yoseob's concern was edging into serious territory, rising in his gut and clinging to his insides.
"I have to go get ready for my vocal lesson soon anyways, so why don't I just go with you?" Dongwoon's words were gentle in the absence of Junhyung's, and Doojoon spoke up in agreement, his voice laced with a finality that was hard to argue with.
"That sounds good. Dongwoon goes, the rest of us stay here and finish practice. Alright everyone?"
Yoseob made a noise of agreement with the others, catching the way Junhyung's shoulders slumped, how he nodded wordlessly. "Go straight to bed, okay hyung?" Kikwang called out, and Junhyung gave a lethargic wave over his shoulder as he and Dongwoon slipped out of the practice room. Yoseob watched their retreating forms through the glass doors, wishing he could have gone with them; instead he snagged the plastic bag off the floor and gathered up the forgotten drinks, bringing them over to the remaining three.
Practice dragged out another forty five minutes, and Yoseob quietly noted that just like him, the others were putting only half-hearted efforts into their movements. When they all dispersed for their individual lessons, Yoseob's feet started in the opposite direction of the practice room where his vocal teacher was waiting, wanting to carry him to the dorms. It was just a quick run, he only wanted to check in, make sure Junhyung hadn't passed out and hit his head on the bed frame or sink or something. His teacher wouldn't mind, right?
Yoseob ground himself to a halt, scuffing his shoes into the carpet, and spun on his heel to march back down the hall. Geez, since when was he such a mother hen? That was Junhyung's territory. He didn't have a reason to go to the dorms, not really; he could just shoot his friend a text like any other normal person.
He hovered at the doorway of the practice room, digging his phone out and tapping a hasty message before shoving it into his back pocket, slipping into the room and pulling the door shut behind him.
He managed to squeeze in a quick dinner with Doojoon and Dongwoon at the curry place down the street around seven before they rushed back to shut themselves away in the recording studio for just short of an eternity; Yoseob didn't get to drag himself back to the dorm until well past midnight.
He kicked his shoes off behind Hyunseung and made a beeline for the bedroom, intent on shucking his clothes off and crawling into bed; his eyes, though, zeroed in on the bottom right bunk as soon as he stepped through the doorway.
He couldn't actually see Junhyung under the lump of blankets, but the older's soft, steady breaths whispering through the cloth told Yoseob that he was still alive, at least. Tiny thoughts started zipping through his mind as he watched the faint rise and fall of covers, wondering if Junhyung had taken any medicine, wondering if he was too hot, too cold, if he'd eaten dinner; Yoseob was only jarred by Kikwang brushing past him, knocking shoulders by accident.
Dongwoon wandered in while Yoseob was tugging on his pajamas, toweling damp hair. "At least we get a day off tomorrow," he mumbled, tossing his towel in the direction of a laundry pile on the floor and collapsing onto his bunk. "Maybe we can go somewhere."
"You mean somewhere that's not closed?" Yoseob managed to poke at Dongwoon's leg with his toe as he climbed the ladder to his own bunk.
"Hey, even if we don't have our other lessons, we should at least try to get a dance practice in," Doojoon's voice drifted up from somewhere under his covers just before Hyunseung flicked off the light.
"Yes, leader," Kikwang's reply from the bottom bunk was half sarcastic, and Yoseob quickly buried himself under his comforter and collapsed onto his pillow, feeling the day's exhaustion weigh down hard and heavy on his frame.
"Can we dance to some other music then?" Hyunseung's muffled question came from the other side of Doojoon, and Yoseob's fading mind never caught the reply; he was dead to the world as soon as he slid his eyes shut.
When Yoseob's eyes cracked open again, it was without the shrill ring of his phone alarm, without the familiar voice of Doojoon or Junhyung yelling for him to get up. In fact, the only noise in the room was Kikwang's stuffy, rhythmic breathing from the lower bunk. Beyond the bedroom, his ears picked up was the faint clatter and shuffle of someone in the kitchen, the buzz of indistinguishable voices.
Yawning, Yoseob pulled his phone close to his face, only a little disappointed that he didn't remember the dream he might have had; it probably wasn't fair to expect two awesome dreams in a row. He peered at the screen, noting that it was almost ten. Later than he usually got to sleep, at any rate.
He wiggled out from under his covers and shimmied down his bunk ladder, eyeing Kikwang's sprawled form on the middle mattress and realizing they were the only two left in the room- even Hyunseung was nowhere to be seen. For a moment his eyes strayed to Junhyung's empty bunk, to the rumpled covers left behind.
He slipped out the door and padded through the living room towards the clatter in the kitchen, the indistinct conversation he'd heard in the bedroom becoming clear as he neared.
"-but why did you have to get plain juk? Get red bean, at the very least."
That was Junhyung's voice, definitely, slightly rough and more than a little whiney, and a small flood of relief washed through Yoseob at hearing his friend sound more like his normal self.
"Stop complaining and eat it, it'll help you get better." That was Doojoon's voice, and Yoseob peered through the wide doorway in time to see their leader throwing a stern look from his place in front of the open fridge to Junhyung slouched at the counter, pouting at the styrofoam container full of juk in front of him. Hyunseung was leaning next to the sink, absently sucking on a popsicle, and a mussy-haired Dongwoon was rummaging through the cabinets.
"Feeling better, huh?" Yoseob's question had the others shooting him a casual glance as he stepped into the tiny space; Junhyung's eyes, though, swept over Yoseob, and his face packed away the slack pout he'd sported just seconds before, brow creased and mouth pursed and jaw set just a bit tighter as he zeroed in on his juk again.
"Sort of," Junhyung mumbled, grabbing up the wide-mouthed spoon next to his container and burying it into the bland white goo in front of him. The pit of Yoseob's stomach clenched against the uneasy feeling that started bleeding down into it like a thick syrup, heavy and a little sickening; Junhyung's easy demeanor had closed up tight, and the only factor that differed from half a minute ago was Yoseob himself.
"We should get him something spicy," Hyunseung piped up as Yoseob padded over to squeeze between Dongwoon and the fridge, gesturing toward Junhyung with his half-eaten popsicle.
"I don't have a cold," Junhyung protested through a mouthful of the bland porridge, darting his gaze over to Hyunseung.
"Then we'll get you ginseng chicken soup or something." Doojoon swung the fridge door shut and moved down the counter to fiddle with the rice cooker.
Dongwoon, apparently giving up his search, pushed the cabinet shut empty-handed. "What about some ox bone soup?"
"You wanna eat ox bone soup in the middle of summer?" Yoseob remarked, half to rib Dongwoon and half to distract himself from the fact that Junhyung hadn't given him so much as a glance since he walked in.
Dongwoon shrugged as he shuffled over to grab a water bottle from the fridge."It's not that weird, hyung."
There was a high-pitched beep from the rice cooker as Doojoon plugged it in and pressed one of the buttons. "How about we head down to the dance room after lunch? Does that sound okay to everyone?" He asked, turning around to lean against the counter, and Yoseob voiced his agreement with Dongwoon and Hyunseung. Junhyung stayed quiet, stirring around his juk and reluctantly taking another bite.
"Hey Jun, since it's our day off anyway, why don't you just hang around the dorm and rest?" Doojoon padded over to the sink and started collecting clean bowls from the drying rack, peering over his shoulder. Junhyung flicked his gaze up to Doojoon over Yoseob's head.
"Okay." He slurped down one more spoonful of the juk before he laid the utensil down on the counter.
"I'm gonna go back to bed. Thanks for getting the food." Junhyung popped the lid back on the styrofoam container and took it to the fridge, brushing Doojoon's shoulder on his way out of the kitchen. Yoseob folded his arms and slumped forward onto the tiny counter space, stomach roiling; he berated himself for the feeling, because there was absolutely no reason for Junhyung to be avoiding him. Yoseob was just reading too much into the situation.
He ended up skipping out on lunch at the dorm and instead retreated down into the lower building to shut himself away in one of the tiny practice rooms; he told himself he really did want to do vocal warm ups, and he wasn't just holed up by himself because Doojoon had asked him to go wake up Junhyung.
Yoseob stayed there for an hour, tinkering with the piano pushed against the wall, running through a few songs on his mp3 player; he took a break to buy dduk bokki from the food stand across the street, and by the time he was finished with his lonely little lunch it was time to meet up with the others for dance practice.
It was more playtime than actual practice, really; they each played their own songs and made up stupid choreo and goofed off, and Yoseob found himself missing Junhyung's sharp wit, his easy humor that usually had them all doubled over. Thinking of Junhyung brought out the uneasy gripping in his gut again, and Yoseob was really, really sick of it.
So when they called it quits, when Dongwoon and Doojoon followed Kikwang to the gym and Hyunseung wandered off to do vocal practice on his own, Yoseob gathered his things and headed back across the street, a half-formed idea jumping around his head.
The older woman running the food stand smiled at Yoseob in recognition when she spotted him approaching. "Back so soon, eh?"
Yoseob returned the smile, digging into his back pocket for his wallet. "I'll take four hoddeok this time, please."
Yoseob bounced on his heels as he watched the woman stuff the hoddeok dough with brown sugar and press them flat onto the griddle at her side; when she had each of them wrapped up Yoseob handed over his money, quickly bowing as he turned to dash back across the street and into his building.
He decided that he could go faster on his own if he tried; Yoseob skipped the elevator and rushed up the stairs, taking them two at a time when he could, until he reached their dorm's floor, pausing only to key in the security code and suck in a few deep breaths.
Toeing his shoes off at the doorway, Yoseob darted towards the bedroom, bursting through the door and scaring the shit out of Junhyung, who was perched in bed with a notebook in his lap and a headphone cord hanging from his left ear.
"What the hell?" Junhyung tossed the pen in his hand down onto his open notebook and yanked his earbud out, eyeing Yoseob like he'd grown another head and a pair of tits.
Yoseob quickly slid his parcel behind his back, wheezing a few breaths in and out. "I, uh, got you a present."
Yoseob shuffled forward and held the package of hoddeok out to Junhyung, who took it somewhat hesitantly. When he'd pulled the paper apart just enough to see what was inside, Junhyung's eyes jumped back to Yoseob. "Hoddeok?"
"Yep. Ta da!" Yoseob slid his bag off his shoulder and onto the floor, plopping down on the end of Junhyung's bed and ducking to avoid the frame of the top bunk. "The others have been making you eat boring stuff all day, so I got you something you actually like." Yoseob forced himself not to add and whatever I did to piss you off, I'm sorry.
Junhyung glanced at the treat in his hands before his gaze was back on Yoseob, the most he'd looked at him all day, and Junhyung's brow scrunched just a bit. "Why are you out of breath?"
Yoseob paused, hardly realizing that he was still dragging in his air. "Uh, I ran up here from across the street so they wouldn't get cold. Cold hoddeok sucks."
He scratched the back of his neck as Junhyung stared at him, his eyes jumping and shifting in that way Yoseob couldn't read at all; then his shoulders drooped, mouth relaxing in a quiet chuckle, giving his head a quick shake. This time, Yoseob definitely saw the warmth seep into Junhyung's eyes. "Idiot. Thanks, though."
Junhyung picked up one of the hoddeok and bit into it, holding out the others, and a rush of relief swept through Yoseob; he grinned widely and leaned over to pluck up one of the warm pancakes.
"I'll only take one, cause I'm a nice guy like that." Yoseob made a show of pushing the rest of the hoddeok back to Junhyung, bowing dramatically, and Junhyung laughed.
"How generous of you," Junhyung retorted around a mouthful, shoving Yoseob's arm away, and Yoseob felt stupid for ever thinking that Junhyung would silently hold a grudge against him; Jun wasn't that kind of person.
Yoseob belly flopped onto the mattress, hoddeok hanging out of his mouth, and Junhyung swatted at him. "Hey, you're gonna get crumbs all over my bed," he tried to nag, but it was ruined by his breathy chuckles.
"You wanna hear about all the things we didn't get done at practice?" Yoseob swallowed his syrupy mouthful and peered up at Junhyung, meeting his eyes, and another wave of relief lapped through his chest and wound down his arms.
"Tell me all about it." Junhyung scooted up against his pillows, giving Yoseob an easy grin, eyes shining, and Yoseob couldn't help but think it was the best thing he'd seen all day.
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"Do you have access yet?"
"Does it look like I do?" Doojoon grumbled, tearing his eyes away from his laptop perched on his crossed legs to shoot Kikwang an annoyed look; he turned back to his work, fingers moving across the keyboard. "I didn't know you had to give your whole freakin' life story just to sign up for this thing."
"What if nobody's even talking about us? It’s barely been two weeks, guys, it's probably too soon," Hyunseung remarked, stomach-down on the floor between a clothing rack and Kikwang. It wasn’t like anyone had forgotten that their debut was hanging fresh over their shoulders, but Hyunseung kind of had a point.
"Or what if everybody hates us? Maybe this is a bad idea. No, this is definitely a bad idea. We shouldn't do this," Dongwoon added from Yoseob's side.
"We've come this far, Dongwoon, we can't back out now." Yoseob readily admitted to himself that Dongwoon was right, and it probably wasn't the smartest idea for them to anonymously surf chatrooms, but the eager curiosity pulsing through each of them made it impossible to resist, overrode the thought of any potential repercussions.
"What's today's date?" Doojoon asked, still staring at the computer screen.
"Sunday," Kikwang piped up immediately; Doojoon's fingers hovered over the keyboard as he turned to his right to pin Kikwang with another look, and though Yoseob was wedged on Doojoon's opposite side, he could imagine the expression almost perfectly.
"The date, smart one, not the day of the week." Junhyung, who was kneeling behind Kikwang and Doojoon, made no effort to hold back the biting sarcasm in his voice. Kikwang curled his lower lip out in a pout and jerked the right half of his body, and around Doojoon's head Yoseob's eyes caught the tilt of Junhyung's tank top-clad shoulders, the way his biceps strained and wobbled as he balanced his hands on Kikwang's and Doojoon's shoulders.
"It's November first, hyung," Dongwoon supplied, and Doojoon resumed his typing until he let out a triumphant noise. "Finally! I'm in." They all leaned in a bit closer to Doojoon, though Junhyung had to half-rise onto his feet to see the screen.
"Let's see, Beast...Beast..." Doojoon mumbled, tapping one of the keys to scroll down the chat. "Aha. I think Beast is really cool," Doojoon read out loud, eyes trailing over the screen, and he turned to sweep his gaze over rest of them with a wide grin. "See, that's not too bad, huh?"
Kikwang shifted in closer. "What do you think about Yoseob? He's my favorite- Ah, they're talking about you, hyung," Kikwang glanced around Doojoon to Yoseob, and Yoseob leaned over Doojoon's arm to see the screen clearly, a tiny, giddy warmth rising in his stomach; he still could hardly believe the way fans screamed at him during their performances, couldn't get over the idea of being someone's favorite, and honestly, he hoped he never got over it.
-what do you think about Yoseob? he's my favorite~
-hes sooooo cute!! omooo
- Yeah, in a little brother way I guess. he looks like hes 12. and the blond hair doesn't really suit him
"I don't look twelve," Yoseob muttered, unconsciously snaking a hand up to smooth down his bleached locks.
"Whatever you say," Doojoon remarked behind him, his tone drawn out, teasing, and Yoseob elbowed him in the stomach before focusing back on the chat.
-i don't know why everyone thinks he's so cute. his face is too fat
-IKR they should have got him a nose job before he debuted, too late now
-Shut up!! don't talk about him like that ):<
"Wow, assholes," Doojoon's voice was close to his ear, but Yoseob only half-registered it as the warmth in his stomach iced over, dropping like a lead weight.
"Did they really-" Dongwoon muttered over Yoseob's shoulder, and Kikwang reached over to pat him on the arm.
"Don't listen to them, hyung. Haters come with the business, right?"
Yoseob couldn't let the words stay clogged in his throat, couldn't let the pressure in his chest twist and ripple over his face where the others could see, so he quickly gushed out a big sigh, pursing his lips in a pout.
"I guess I that's what I get for wanting to creep around the internet. We can't expect everyone to be nice, can we?" He spread his hands out on the floor behind him and leaned back, trying to let his own words seep into his brain, his skin, his bones.
He got a few more pats and jostles, and he knew the others were reassured by his reaction, already letting the harsh words roll from the fronts of their minds. Only Junhyung stared at Yoseob, mouth drawn, eyes tracing Yoseob's face in a way that had Yoseob averting his own gaze; for some reason, it felt like Junhyung's eyes could unravel exactly what Yoseob was trying to hide if he was allowed to look any longer.
"Has nobody talked about Dongwoon yet? I swear his mother must have had an affair with a foreigner-" Kikwang read the newest line of the chat out loud, his voice dissolving into giggles, and Hyunseung's cackling laugh almost overshadowed Dongwoon's squawk.
"It's not funny, hyung, that's my mom they're talking about!" Dongwoon leaned past Yoseob to throw a glare down the line, and Yoseob's little incident was officially put to rest.
Yoseob didn't mean to, he really didn't; but later that night when he was bent over the bathroom sink brushing his teeth, Yoseob met his reflection in the mirror and his eyes snagged on the curves of his pudgy cheeks, the pale strands of damp hair clinging to his face. He brought a hand up to trace his fingers over the wide bridge of his nose, wishing he could let those stupid comments slide off his shoulders as easily as he made everyone believe.
A movement in the mirror caught his eye and Yoseob snapped his head around, finding Junhyung leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, mouth drawn tight. Yoseob immediately let his hand fall from his face, a flush of embarrassment burning through him.
"Anyone who thinks that about you is a fucking idiot." Junhyung's words were whip-sharp, hard in a way he almost never allowed his voice to be, and Yoseob's heart struck a beat against his ribcage.
Scrambling to save face, to regain some direction in this situation where Junhyung had sent it spinning out of Yoseob's hands, Yoseob rolled out a grin, leaning his hands against the sink. "It's really not that big a de-"
"Hey," Junhyung interrupted, his tone softening around the edges as he pushed off the doorway and padded towards Yoseob. "I'm serious." He reached out and rested a hand on Yoseob's shoulder, and Yoseob's gut quivered under Junhyung's gaze, the same one that plucked out everything Yoseob tried to stash away. Junhyung saw straight through the bullshit Yoseob threw out, unlike Kikwang or Dongwoon or even Doojoon, and it made a strange sort of relief pool in Yoseob's stomach.
As the false bravado fizzled out of him almost before it could begin, Yoseob's shoulders slumped, breaking his gaze to fall somewhere at Junhyung's chest. "Thanks, Jun," He murmured; in his peripheral he saw Junhyung's other arm come up to wrap around his neck, pulling Yoseob into a loose hug. Yoseob leaned into it, resting his forehead on Junhyung's shoulder, and some of that warmth that had frozen inside him earlier began to thaw, trickling through his chest and down to his tingling limbs.
After a moment Junhyung pulled back a little, snaking his hand down to pinch Yoseob in the side. "Now get out of here," he demanded, pushing Yoseob towards the door, his mouth upturning in a small grin, "You're hogging the bathroom."
Yoseob ducked back into the bedroom with a grin of his own, and as he climbed the ladder to his own bed, buried himself under the covers, those harsh comments floated through his mind once more, like a buzzing fly; but unlike last time, the warmth coursing through him didn't dissipate, his chest didn't clench, and as he laid his head down on his pillow, he swatted the words to the back of his brain like the inconsequential things they were.
------------
For all the days Yoseob had spent dwelling in that little corner of his mind where the fuzzy memories of his One were tucked, for all the nights Yoseob wished he could have another dream of her, when it finally happened, it was less satisfying than he had imagined.
He still couldn't recall a single feature of her face, and as Yoseob lay there, staring at the ceiling, he realized her laugh was an echo of an echo, faint and distorted to the point where he didn't recognize the sound. He wasn't sure if she'd been wearing a dress or jeans, if her dark hair had been pulled back or left to fall loose across her shoulders. He still remembered the feeling, though, of being consumed by her presence, of being filled with nothing but her.
It left a strange mix of giddiness and disappointment wrestling through his insides, and Yoseob didn't know what to make of it; Doojoon poked his head through the door, and Yoseob sat up, throwing him a short wave. "Time to get moving guys, we have a performance to get ready for." There was a muffled response from Kikwang in the bottom bunk, and Doojoon climbed up to the top right bunk and shake Hyunseung awake.
Yoseob tried to work through his thoughts in the shower, to settle his tangled emotions. Was there a reason his new dream was less vivid than the last one? It seemed like a bad sign. It seemed like a step backwards from meeting his One. Still, he had dreamed of her, after all these months, and that feeling of her being his was still as fresh and clear as the first time, so that had to count for something, didn't it?
He left the bathroom as conflicted as when he'd entered, the contrary emotions knocking around in his chest and leaving him in a weird mood as he trekked back into the bedroom to gather up his dirty clothes on the floor. There wasn't much he could do about a dream, anyway. He shook his head, trying to clear the strange feeling as he ducked out the doorway and headed through the kitchen to the laundry room.
The laundry room door was almost completely shut, only cracked open a bare sliver, and that in itself was strange; but there was also the indistinct hum of voices from behind the door, becoming clearer as Yoseob approached.
"-what I'm supposed to do." that was Junhyung's voice, without a doubt, and Yoseob's fingers hovered at the door. Guilt pricked at him almost immediately, like he was trying to eavesdrop or something, so he went ahead and pushed the door open.
"Right now, waiting is the only thing you can do-" Hyunseung's reply was cut off as Yoseob peeked through the doorway. Junhyung was leaning against the washer, arms crossed tight over his chest, and Hyunseung was perched on top of the dryer, leaning forward on his legs; they both whipped their gazes to Yoseob, and Yoseob watched Junhyung's eyes widen just a little bit.
"Why are you guys holed up in the laundry room? What are you talking about?" Yoseob tried to keep his tone light despite feeling awkward, swamped in the thick atmosphere, like he'd intruded on something; Junhyung's chest deflated in a rush of air.
"It's nothing. Don't worry about it." Junhyung's voice was nothing close to smooth or relaxed like his words, and he brushed past Yoseob to slip out the door without a single glance at Yoseob himself.
Hyunseung hopped down from the dryer, meeting Yoseob's confused gaze, and if Yoseob had been hoping for Hyunseung to shed some light on the situation he was let down; Hyunseung just shrugged wordlessly, the corner of his mouth quirking a tiny bit in a sympathetic gesture, and he patted Yoseob on the shoulder as he passed.
Left alone in the tiny room, Yoseob stared at the floor, the battle in his chest raging on until a gut-twisting mix of leftover disappointment and irritation and other hard, ugly things grabbed hold of him. He chucked his armful cloths into the hamper next to the washer and stalked out of the laundry room.
He didn't even know why his mood had turned so sour. It wasn't like his group members weren't allowed to have private conversations; he didn't need to be included in everything. But Junhyung was worrying about something, had an issue that was big enough to seek advice on, and...well, they were all close to each other, but Yoseob had been pretty damn sure until that moment that he was closer to Junhyung than Hyunseung.
Yoseob let out a sharp sigh and crossed into the living room. Dongwoon was perched on the floor, zeroed in on the purple DS in his hands emitting the unmistakable 8-bit melodies of a pokemon battle, and Yoseob shuffled over to flop down next to him. Peering at the screen of the handheld device, Yoseob threw Dongwoon a critical glance.
"Why are you catching a hoppip? Hoppips blow dick." His tone was about two shades away from being downright mean, but Yoseob was still struggling with the roiling in his chest, the simmering in his gut, and he almost couldn't help himself.
Dongwoon spared a second to flick his eyes to Yoseob, mouth pursing in a pout. "I like them. What does it matter anyway, hyung? You gonna tell me what pokemon I can and can't catch?"
Still not feeling too generous, Yoseob stretched his legs out, leaning back on his hands. "Fine, suit yourself, but don't start whining when I kick your ass 'cause your team sucks."
Dongwoon let out a scoff, turning his attention to Yoseob again. "Hyung, you haven't even played in like, two months. How are you so sure you can beat me?"
"It hasn't been that long," Yoseob protested, though in reality he couldn't even remember the last time he'd devoted his attention to Soul Silver. Dongwoon clearly wasn't buying it either.
"It's almost the end of January. I haven't seen you pick up your DS since before we started performing Mystery."
Dongwoon was totally right, though Yoseob hated to admit it. Smacking his feet to the floor, Yoseob pushed himself up. "Whatever, it doesn't matter if I haven't played in a while, I can still demolish you."
Dongwoon narrowed his eyes at Yoseob over his screen. "Is that a challenge?"
Feeling the grip on his insides unfurl just a bit, Yoseob's mouth stretched in a grin. "Hell yeah it is," he retorted, and bounded off to their bedroom to dig out his own DS.
Yoseob had to admit, though, it wasn't his proudest moment when Doojoon padded into the living room to him bent over his console, shoulder to shoulder with Dongwoon, screeching "Use double-team one more time, I fucking dare you!"
"What are you guys doing? We have to go." Doojoon sounded only slightly exasperated, so Yoseob didn't bother glancing up.
"We're having an epic battle, hyung," Dongwoon replied for the both of them, quickly tapping buttons as he scrolled through his items, and Doojoon sighed.
"You can have your epic battle in the van, c'mon."
Reluctantly, Yoseob and Dongwoon snapped their consoles shut to go grab their bags and follow the others to the door, toeing on their shoes on the way out. As they rode the elevator to the ground floor and trekked outside, Yoseob stared at the back of Junhyung's head, feeling a little less irritated and a little more foolish.
Junhyung shot him a few glances when they were piling into the van, biting the corner of his mouth in the way he did when something was on his mind; but Dongwoon was ushering Yoseob into the back with him to finish their battle, and Yoseob had to pass on sliding next to Junhyung, knocking shoulders with him, quietly telling him not to worry about whatever had him so worked up.
Even with the remixed version of Mystery, their performance was a smooth ride; like always, Yoseob found himself standing at the edge of the stage, heart thrumming in anticipation for the moment they had to hurry out into position. Before he knew it they were freezing into their ending poses, the music cutting off, shuffling backstage in a mess of sweaty limbs and wheezing breaths and fizzling adrenaline.
They were ushered back into the dressing room to shuck off their stage outfits, and Junhyung ducked out of the room almost as soon as he had his clothes back. Yoseob had just finished tugging his own shirt back on and pushing his damp bangs from his eyes when Junhyung slipped back into the room, swerving around Kikwang hopping out of his slacks and approaching Yoseob with a water bottle.
"Thanks man." Yoseob took the bottle and quickly unscrewed the cap, chugging down about half the contents before he spied Junhyung holding out something else; a pack of Yoseob's favorite gum.
"Uh, one of the staff gave it to me, so you can have it." It was a bullshit lie, and Yoseob knew Junhyung was fully aware of it, so he took the peace offering for what it was and plucked it from Junhyung's fingers, unwrapping a piece for himself.
Junhyung bit the corner of his mouth again, flicking his eyes over to the rest of their group members before coming back to Yoseob. "Look, about the thing in the laundry room-"
"Hey," Yoseob interrupted, popping the gum into his mouth with a small grin. "Don't worry about it. No big deal."
Junhyung didn't return the smile, his gaze ticking over Yoseob's expression. "I don't want you to think that I was, I dunno, excluding you or anything. I didn't mean to make it weird."
"Jun, it's fine, I swear." Yoseob's smile softened a little as he took in Junhyung's pursed mouth, the strands of hair matted to his forehead, the traces of eyeliner smudged in the corners of his eyes that he hadn't managed to wipe off.
He knew Junhyung was truly worried that he'd hurt Yoseob's feelings, and as Yoseob thought back on his twisted, warring emotions from earlier, he was a little ashamed at his immaturity. "You can talk to whoever about whatever, and you don't have to feel bad about it."
Junhyung let out a low sigh, and some of his tension escaped with it, shoulders relaxing and mouth stretching into a grin as he reached up to ruffle Yoseob's hair. Yoseob laughed, batting the hand away with no real force.
Meeting Junhyung's eyes again, Yoseob's smile shrank just a fraction as a new thought pushed to the front of his brain. "Y'know, if you want a whoever, I'm here to listen to whatever, whenever."
Yoseob raised his hands to his cheeks and fanned his fingers out, grinning wide in an attempt to cover up how serious his words actually were, though as usual,Yoseob suspected Junhyung saw straight through it. The humor in Junhyung's own face didn't fade, but something shuttered away in his eyes, jumping and flickering with those unreadable things Yoseob could never catch.
"Yeah, I know."
A second later Doojoon was behind Junhyung, clapping him on the shoulders. "Alright guys, let's go eat. Food, food," He chanted, grinning at Yoseob over Junhyung's head.
"Can we get pizza?" Hyunseung asked, approaching with Dongwoon in tow, and Yoseob counted their little conversation officially over.
Still, as Yoseob grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder, his eyes darting over to watch Junhyung collect his own bag, he couldn't help but wonder one last time, a little shamefully, what Junhyung and Hyunseung had been discussing, and why it was such a secret.
Part 2