Think Happy Thoughts
Have you ever had a panic attack when you started thinking about the future?
It happens to me all the time.
Its not a new thing.
But its happening more and more frequently these days.
I'll be thinking about something random... like wishing Aliens would come land on earth.
Or wondering if we'll ever leave this planet.
And then all of a sudden my heart is pounding too hard.
Bile is rising in my throat.
I feel like I'm going to start hyperventilating.
I panic the most when I start thinking about what happens after we die.
What if nothing happens?
Thats the scariest idea of all.
What if we just stop existing? There is nothing of us left?
Its hard to believe that some people actually can think that with out it sending them into a panic.
I can't even think it without feeling like I'm going to throw up.
There has to be something after...
I don't care what to tell the truth. Just something, anything.
And then what about the rest of my life?
What more could happen to me?
Sometimes I dread waking up in the morning.
Sometimes I just wish I could live in my dreams.
Even the scary ones.
It would be so much easier than actually living.
What am I going to be when I grow up?
Who will I marry? And will I really love him? Will it be forever?
What will my kids be like? How many will I have? Will I be able to adopt or become a foster mom like I always wanted?
Or what if I die tomorrow?
I can so easily picture me dying in so many different ways.
Everyday as I walk around I think, I could get hit by a bus, I could get shot, I could fall down a flight of stairs and break my neck, I could get attacked and left bleeding in a back alley.
And what about the world we're leaving for our kids?
This poor used and abused world.
Trash everywhere.
Apathy taking over.
Wrap up in your cocoon and watch more tv.
The News and Government will tell you everything is ok, don't worry, nothing bad is happening here in the US.
We're safe (watch out for the terrorists!!) much safer then everyone else in the world (People different from you are bad!!)
As we're guzzling more gas in our Hummers and SUVs.
Money and material things are more important then the world or air or water or trees or animals.
People care more about what fucking Paris Hilton is doing then what's happening to the environment.
I'm guilty of this sometimes too.
I'm trying to be better.
I'm trying to make a difference in the world.
However small.
Maybe I'll make a ripple in the Ocean of Apathy.
These thoughts scare me so much but I can't stop thinking them.
It happens to me all the time.
Its not a new thing.
But its happening more and more frequently these days.
I'll be thinking about something random... like wishing Aliens would come land on earth.
Or wondering if we'll ever leave this planet.
And then all of a sudden my heart is pounding too hard.
Bile is rising in my throat.
I feel like I'm going to start hyperventilating.
I panic the most when I start thinking about what happens after we die.
What if nothing happens?
Thats the scariest idea of all.
What if we just stop existing? There is nothing of us left?
Its hard to believe that some people actually can think that with out it sending them into a panic.
I can't even think it without feeling like I'm going to throw up.
There has to be something after...
I don't care what to tell the truth. Just something, anything.
And then what about the rest of my life?
What more could happen to me?
Sometimes I dread waking up in the morning.
Sometimes I just wish I could live in my dreams.
Even the scary ones.
It would be so much easier than actually living.
What am I going to be when I grow up?
Who will I marry? And will I really love him? Will it be forever?
What will my kids be like? How many will I have? Will I be able to adopt or become a foster mom like I always wanted?
Or what if I die tomorrow?
I can so easily picture me dying in so many different ways.
Everyday as I walk around I think, I could get hit by a bus, I could get shot, I could fall down a flight of stairs and break my neck, I could get attacked and left bleeding in a back alley.
And what about the world we're leaving for our kids?
This poor used and abused world.
Trash everywhere.
Apathy taking over.
Wrap up in your cocoon and watch more tv.
The News and Government will tell you everything is ok, don't worry, nothing bad is happening here in the US.
We're safe (watch out for the terrorists!!) much safer then everyone else in the world (People different from you are bad!!)
As we're guzzling more gas in our Hummers and SUVs.
Money and material things are more important then the world or air or water or trees or animals.
People care more about what fucking Paris Hilton is doing then what's happening to the environment.
I'm guilty of this sometimes too.
I'm trying to be better.
I'm trying to make a difference in the world.
However small.
Maybe I'll make a ripple in the Ocean of Apathy.
These thoughts scare me so much but I can't stop thinking them.