(no subject)
So its 2 in the morning and I can't go to sleep. I was working on a paper for American History and silly me I made a playlist of my "The" Bands (aka The Shins, The Killers etc) but its not really slowing down music so now I'm all worked up and all these thoughts keep running through my mind and I know if I try and got to bed I'll just be lying there for hours thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in my entire life that I just can't let myself live down even though probably no one else but me remembers them. I really hate my brain sometimes... it sucks major ass and its mean to me.
So here are two of the things that are running through my head...
First, I started thinking about Coady again. I imagine its just because I'm lonely but I've started kicking myself over giving up the chance of possibly "going out" with him. I mean we both kinda reached the same conculsion of not wanting to go into college in a relationship... and that our friendship was too important to make it weird... but I still wonder what it would have been like if we had gone out this summer... I dunno life is full of regrets I guess but this is my biggest one right now. Especially since I haven't seen him in like forever and I rarely talk to him, and only on Facebook when I do...
Second, I started thinking about how its another new year without my mom. And in like 4 and a half months it'll be 2 years since she died. Sometimes it feels like it can't have been that long and at other times it feels like its been an eternity. Those times are the ones that scare me most because it makes me realize that I've already begun to forget her. Its like how can you forget your mother? The one who raised you and made you the person you are today? My mom was around for so much more than my dad was, she was the enforcer and the one that we turned to when we needed advice or help for something. Yeah dad was fun, but mom was THERE for us... and for me, the one who knew her longest to already be forgetting her it really hurts deep inside. Recently every now and then I just start thinking of her and start crying because I can't remember every little detail of her. It really makes me hate myself because I feel like a traitor to her memory. I dunno I think that I might bring it up next time we go to our grief counselor and see what she says about it... because its really making me hurt and I really wanna know if Erin is feeling the same and if its natural to forget.
Third, I've started thinking about my dad's relationship with Ginny again... it makes me so uncomfortable everytime I see them together. I hate that my dad couldn't be strong enough to hold out on a relationship for at least a year. Even for our sakes, I mean how could he just bring another woman into our mothers house when there are so many reminders of her still all over the place? Sometimes it really makes me doubt how much he loved my mom... I mean he said that they were soul mates but were they really? To replace her so suddenly with the first available woman who happened to be around a lot because she was the mother of my best friend makes me wonder what kind of soul mate he really was. It really makes me think that there are no such things as soul mates. That guys just say that they are to make them look like they are sensitive. The worst part is that I feel like I can't even say anything anymore because he gave us our chance to object and none of us said anything to him. And even if we did object at this point I don't think that he would listen to us because he is to far into the relationship. I just don't think that its fair because it was really sprung on us and how could we react? We were given no time to reflect and really our mother had JUST died. Of course we wanted the best for our dad... but what about the best for US? I feel like he didn't really give regard to our feelings... he made it seemed like he did care but really he was going to do what he wanted no matter what. I still remember the night that I came back at midnight from a cast party to find them sitting together on the back porch... it was so painfully obvious that they had just jumped apart and were feeling guilty about being caught that I'm surprised that I didn't just barf all over them right there...
Yeah... I love my dad no matter what, don't get me wrong he's a great guy... I just don't agree with him on a lot of things and I don't agree on how he handles things...
Meh... like I said... I hate my brain sometimes...
So here are two of the things that are running through my head...
First, I started thinking about Coady again. I imagine its just because I'm lonely but I've started kicking myself over giving up the chance of possibly "going out" with him. I mean we both kinda reached the same conculsion of not wanting to go into college in a relationship... and that our friendship was too important to make it weird... but I still wonder what it would have been like if we had gone out this summer... I dunno life is full of regrets I guess but this is my biggest one right now. Especially since I haven't seen him in like forever and I rarely talk to him, and only on Facebook when I do...
Second, I started thinking about how its another new year without my mom. And in like 4 and a half months it'll be 2 years since she died. Sometimes it feels like it can't have been that long and at other times it feels like its been an eternity. Those times are the ones that scare me most because it makes me realize that I've already begun to forget her. Its like how can you forget your mother? The one who raised you and made you the person you are today? My mom was around for so much more than my dad was, she was the enforcer and the one that we turned to when we needed advice or help for something. Yeah dad was fun, but mom was THERE for us... and for me, the one who knew her longest to already be forgetting her it really hurts deep inside. Recently every now and then I just start thinking of her and start crying because I can't remember every little detail of her. It really makes me hate myself because I feel like a traitor to her memory. I dunno I think that I might bring it up next time we go to our grief counselor and see what she says about it... because its really making me hurt and I really wanna know if Erin is feeling the same and if its natural to forget.
Third, I've started thinking about my dad's relationship with Ginny again... it makes me so uncomfortable everytime I see them together. I hate that my dad couldn't be strong enough to hold out on a relationship for at least a year. Even for our sakes, I mean how could he just bring another woman into our mothers house when there are so many reminders of her still all over the place? Sometimes it really makes me doubt how much he loved my mom... I mean he said that they were soul mates but were they really? To replace her so suddenly with the first available woman who happened to be around a lot because she was the mother of my best friend makes me wonder what kind of soul mate he really was. It really makes me think that there are no such things as soul mates. That guys just say that they are to make them look like they are sensitive. The worst part is that I feel like I can't even say anything anymore because he gave us our chance to object and none of us said anything to him. And even if we did object at this point I don't think that he would listen to us because he is to far into the relationship. I just don't think that its fair because it was really sprung on us and how could we react? We were given no time to reflect and really our mother had JUST died. Of course we wanted the best for our dad... but what about the best for US? I feel like he didn't really give regard to our feelings... he made it seemed like he did care but really he was going to do what he wanted no matter what. I still remember the night that I came back at midnight from a cast party to find them sitting together on the back porch... it was so painfully obvious that they had just jumped apart and were feeling guilty about being caught that I'm surprised that I didn't just barf all over them right there...
Yeah... I love my dad no matter what, don't get me wrong he's a great guy... I just don't agree with him on a lot of things and I don't agree on how he handles things...
Meh... like I said... I hate my brain sometimes...