This is loss

[randoming]

I realized tonight
that you lose people
all the time.
And the ones you don't mean to lose are the ones that vanish the best.
It doesn't take erasing a memory to lose someone.
I remember this boy from highschool.
Kyle Blacklock.
I really liked him. as a person.
He was the only person who ever was just nice to me.
He came out to me in the pool.
I thought it was great, cause then it didn't matter.
We could just be friends.

LIke the guy from urban outfitters
who noticed I cut my hair, and told me i needed product in it.
it just made me feel like
someone who didn't know me at all
cared
just because

now
I'm leaving
and I haven't felt more comfortable where I am
ever in my life
I have friends
I do what I want
I love my job

People like Grady
And Joe O'Dell
And Joe
and Roy
and Rae Cutie
and Daniel
even Brogan and Jess
they make me want to stay
I dont' have time to make the friendship a lasting one.
I want them to be real though
I liked the time i had
It was fun

I just want to stay in this feeling
not try to fight it
I hate leaving
I hate being left
I just want to stay here
I don't want to lose all my highschool friends
I don't want to try to make new friends
I don't like people

I'm a psycho.

I don't want Drew to be in Iraq.
I want that to not ever go away.
I love him.

I've already lost people entirely.
I'm 19.
How do I even have time to do that?
Like what happened to Joe from Kroka?

I have to pack
and I don't know what to take.
I want to be a hippie.
but goth and scene.
I'm so messed up.
I guess I just should say fuck it.
run off and hide somewhere off the grid.
off the planet.

I guess I should just stop writing.
space seems to mean more than the words I'm filling it with.

think about nothing.
It's a hard concept.