tomorrow's my eighteenth birthday
so tomorrow i'll be eighteen. i felt the need to spell out the number, i dont know why but i am suddenly nauseous.
i got the video yearbook in the mail. i watched it, i'm in it...twice. it wasn't as awful as i thought it was going to be. i mean, it wasnt great, not by any stretch of the imagination...but it wasn't awful. it did make me terribly nostalgic. every day i feel myself gripping on more tightly to my friends. like if i keep a death grip on them nothing will change and we can all live in neverending summertime together. but it doesnt work that way and i dont like the way it works. i do like being with them. i love them. and it sucks that things cant stay this perfect forever and it sucks that we're all going to school in different places and it sucks that i am so completely unprepared for this. i just want to throw up. like nonstop vomit action. like in stand by me.
but tomorrow i'll be eighteen and i'll be a grown up and i can buy cigarettes and porn and a lotto ticket and vote and drive after nine and be pos trained and work the bailer and get a credit card...but i would rather just stay right here. in this moment that is so many moments before i have to leave this place. and the funny thing is, i dont even particularly like this place. i just dont want to have to do this. seriously. this is just too much.
hairspray was amazing and i couldnt have picked a better person to see it with. sam will always be one of my most perfect friends. she is my favorite and it doesnt really matter who knows it. i dont need to be her favorite, it's enough that she is mine. we have so many ridiculous things in common and she almost always completely understands everything. but hairspray was so great. it gave me chills and made me want to be on broadway (again) and there was a standing ovation at the end so of course we stood and it was so past neat. it rocked. and i got a t-shirt. all the stuff was really cheap so i bought one and trimmed it and wore it today and felt happy. i stayed with sam til 3am last night because this morning she flew out to wyoming. neither one of us wanted to end the evening because she's not coming back for so long. we were both kind of dragging everything out because, well, we have to go to college and it sucks. dammit.
i got the video yearbook in the mail. i watched it, i'm in it...twice. it wasn't as awful as i thought it was going to be. i mean, it wasnt great, not by any stretch of the imagination...but it wasn't awful. it did make me terribly nostalgic. every day i feel myself gripping on more tightly to my friends. like if i keep a death grip on them nothing will change and we can all live in neverending summertime together. but it doesnt work that way and i dont like the way it works. i do like being with them. i love them. and it sucks that things cant stay this perfect forever and it sucks that we're all going to school in different places and it sucks that i am so completely unprepared for this. i just want to throw up. like nonstop vomit action. like in stand by me.
but tomorrow i'll be eighteen and i'll be a grown up and i can buy cigarettes and porn and a lotto ticket and vote and drive after nine and be pos trained and work the bailer and get a credit card...but i would rather just stay right here. in this moment that is so many moments before i have to leave this place. and the funny thing is, i dont even particularly like this place. i just dont want to have to do this. seriously. this is just too much.
hairspray was amazing and i couldnt have picked a better person to see it with. sam will always be one of my most perfect friends. she is my favorite and it doesnt really matter who knows it. i dont need to be her favorite, it's enough that she is mine. we have so many ridiculous things in common and she almost always completely understands everything. but hairspray was so great. it gave me chills and made me want to be on broadway (again) and there was a standing ovation at the end so of course we stood and it was so past neat. it rocked. and i got a t-shirt. all the stuff was really cheap so i bought one and trimmed it and wore it today and felt happy. i stayed with sam til 3am last night because this morning she flew out to wyoming. neither one of us wanted to end the evening because she's not coming back for so long. we were both kind of dragging everything out because, well, we have to go to college and it sucks. dammit.