(no subject)
Every night it seems I lie awake longer. The minutes draw on for hours. I think.
Sometimes I think too much. It's what keeps me awake. Is it what keeps me alive? What keeps me hanging onto this, 'life' I've carved for myself? Possibly.
Everythings so... so confusing right now. And I feel more alone than ever. I don't even want to cry anymore. Just... I just want to understand. I don't even know what I want to understand. Maybe I want to understand why they hate each other, what happened and when. Why he's gone more often than not, and I feel like he's drifting away. I wouldn't mind so much... if only I knew. Mom wants to leave this place. She hates being reminded of him. She hates him. He hates what she did to him. He hates her. And there's nothing I can do. This place is slowly taking it's toll on me. It has been for quite some time. It's about time I moved on, as silly as it sounds, it's the only thing my heart and brain agree on. I will miss it when I go, but I will miss it just as I miss all of the other people and places. I never cried when they left, or when I left them. Will I this time? Now that I am old enough to know this it is not normal? Or maybe I am conditioned that way, to be detatched and distant. I've forced myself to try and care about losing something that was important to me, but, it turned out I never did all alone. In the end, I did not care. I did nothing. And I didn't care. I want to care. I hate who I've become.
What this existance has made me. A creature created to adapt flawlessly to constant change of environment and surroundings. That's all I am. And I'm starting to settle. Settle in this skin. I will accept these things... even though I do not wish to, it is the only option I have left, the only option left that will allow me to be happy again. It is... lonely....
But I suppose I will get used to it once again.
And every night I lie awake, I imagine you there next to me.
Sometimes I think too much. It's what keeps me awake. Is it what keeps me alive? What keeps me hanging onto this, 'life' I've carved for myself? Possibly.
Everythings so... so confusing right now. And I feel more alone than ever. I don't even want to cry anymore. Just... I just want to understand. I don't even know what I want to understand. Maybe I want to understand why they hate each other, what happened and when. Why he's gone more often than not, and I feel like he's drifting away. I wouldn't mind so much... if only I knew. Mom wants to leave this place. She hates being reminded of him. She hates him. He hates what she did to him. He hates her. And there's nothing I can do. This place is slowly taking it's toll on me. It has been for quite some time. It's about time I moved on, as silly as it sounds, it's the only thing my heart and brain agree on. I will miss it when I go, but I will miss it just as I miss all of the other people and places. I never cried when they left, or when I left them. Will I this time? Now that I am old enough to know this it is not normal? Or maybe I am conditioned that way, to be detatched and distant. I've forced myself to try and care about losing something that was important to me, but, it turned out I never did all alone. In the end, I did not care. I did nothing. And I didn't care. I want to care. I hate who I've become.
What this existance has made me. A creature created to adapt flawlessly to constant change of environment and surroundings. That's all I am. And I'm starting to settle. Settle in this skin. I will accept these things... even though I do not wish to, it is the only option I have left, the only option left that will allow me to be happy again. It is... lonely....
But I suppose I will get used to it once again.
And every night I lie awake, I imagine you there next to me.