You tell me not to worry...I do nothing *but* worry.

[randomeyemotion]

I like how totally I have screwed myself over for Thanksgiving. See, I decided a while ago that I didn't want to have it with my parents this year (not only are they not giving me a whole lot to be thankful for right now, but we were going to have it with my family, my grandparents, my aunt and her family, and then her husband's brother and his in-laws...that's a bit too much WAY extended family for me, especially because I am developing a severe phobia of people lately), and I figured I'd find something to do. Louis had said he'd ask his parents if I could come...but then we broke up, and that plan kinda went out the window. Various other people have offered to ask, but nothing has ever come of it, and I don't want to bug them, or impose on anyone. Aaron asked his parents, which I was actually kind of excited about, because I miss his family, but they are going away. Of course, I could always tell my parents that I changed my mind...but being the obstinate little brat that I am, I'd never actually let myself sink to that. Sooooooo, I find myself in a very big hole that I dug. I mean, whatever. It'll be a nice, solitary, introspective day. I'll have plenty of time to pack and wrap my mom's b-day present (as much as I dislike her right now, I gave my dad one, therefore I have to give her one, because I dislike him even more) and bake the cookies I've been promising various people, seeing as how a week after Thanksgiving, I don't know when I will next have access to a kitchen.

[sigh] Yeah, that's the other thing - I still have no idea where I am moving. I haven't found a place yet, but I HAVE to be out of my house by Dec. 3. For a while I had been planning to stay with Drew, but we haven't been talking too much lately, and he didn't seem to eager to have a house-guest, so I wasn't really considering him a possibility anymore. But now I am seriously facing the prospect of being homeless. I'm scared. I don't want to impose on anyone, but if I stay with someone for a while and keep searching for a permanent place, I'm gonna end up imposing, huh?

My parents are really making this everything difficult for me right now.

• After telling me that they were going to keep my car for when I can drive again (I had just been researching insurance prices, seeing as how I am going to be financially independent now), they have suddenly decided to sell it and since I own half of it, they will place my half of the selling price towards what I owe them from the accident we settled out-of-pocket, and forget about the rest of my debt to them. Which is what I thought they were going to do in the first place, but then they got my hopes up.
• They keep wavering back and forth on whether or not they are going to help me with rent and medical expenses. If they don't help me, I seriously will NOT be able to afford living on my own. Even with their help, I don't know how I am going to do it. I am SOOOO tempted to make them sign something saying what they are going to pay for.
• They don't want me to use their address anymore - not even as my "permanent address," where really important things can be sent. They want me to get a P.O. box. They say they will pay for it for a year. This raises two problems - Can I trust them? And where to get it? I mean, I don't know where I am going to end up living, and yet I need to be able to access this mailbox frequently. That just makes me feel completely root-less. Like I will have NO ties whatsoever to the house I have lived in for the past 8 years. And, for that matter, to my parents. I mean, why am I ever going to want to come back here once I leave?

I am sure that there is more, but I am getting so upset just thinking about even these things that I am going to stop now. Do they realize that they are losing me for a VERY long time, if not forever? They don't act like they even want a child anymore. You know how people talking about their lives changing overnight? That's gonna be me. I am going to wake up on my birthday, and not belong here anymore. I am going to be alone.

Can't anyone see I'm just a lost little girl?