Day by Day
Today is going to be a good day. If I keep telling myself that, it may turn out true. Actually, having "good" vs "bad" days aren't really the problem anymore. I have built new walls around myself so it's a moot point. Nothing can get in, nothing can get out. I just sit in here and wait patiently until the SOON fairy visits. Tina is staying here another week or two - she helps distract me from everything.
Over the weekend, my walls were starting to come down, I was right on the verge...and AssMunch once again reminded me how he will NEVER be there for me, even for the mundane daily crap that it takes to run a household. We have this big screen TV - it's old, it was old when we got it. It finally died, and, instead of getting rid of it right away like normal people, we just put the TV from Peace's room on top. Really classy, I know. So this weekend, Peace, Tina and I put up the tree, move stuff around, clean clean clean, and need help moving the TV up the stairs so I can get rid of it. Saturday he tells me "Let's do it tomorrow" so Sunday we go outside, he pushes once, declares it too heavy and suggests I put an ad in the paper for a free TV. It's still sitting out there on the porch. I think tonight I am going to get the power screwdriver and take the damn thing apart and carry the pieces upstairs. SOON SOON SOON SOON SOON
When I was in Tampa, I was wanting dearly to let Danielle in, but Peace was there, and it just never felt like the right time. I was so frustrated at my family - My mom pointed out that she is alot like Mike in that she prefers to just come home and do nothing at all. It made me a tad annoyed. Did I seek to marry my mom instead of my dad? Whatever. Peace and I are firmly entrenched up here, and this is where we are going to stay. My visits a couple times a year are enough for me.
I have pushed JP away. The thickest wall I have built for him. When I start to cry or get sad, I instead add another layer, so that now, I almost have myself convinced I don't even miss him.
Or maybe I really don't? Maybe I don't miss him and that is what I am trying to hide from myself? I know I need to spend some time alone searching and thinking through this, but I am not able to find that alone time here or now. So I put him off. I told him I needed to retreat inward for a bit and that I would get back to him SOON. I tried to talk with him last night on IM...it was like 2 total strangers talking. It was bland and I left more unsaid than said. But I wasn't ready to open up, and I think he is struggling with that too. Or maybe he isn't. Maybe he is not missing me anymore than I am missing him. Maybe we simply miss the idea of each other. The Kaedo/Bemeni connection thing that is so so so pure and powerful and awesome. Maybe we are realizing that JP/Tracy! aren't KD/Bem and the more we try to make each other in those roles, the worse the recoil is.
I don't want to talk about that anymore. SOON I will address it.
I need to go to work. I have been sitting here listening to Peace and Mike try to leave for the day, waiting for them, HIM, to be gone so I can shower in peace. I have like 45 minutes before I need to leave still, but I need to eat breakfast and stuff too.
It's going to be a good day.
Over the weekend, my walls were starting to come down, I was right on the verge...and AssMunch once again reminded me how he will NEVER be there for me, even for the mundane daily crap that it takes to run a household. We have this big screen TV - it's old, it was old when we got it. It finally died, and, instead of getting rid of it right away like normal people, we just put the TV from Peace's room on top. Really classy, I know. So this weekend, Peace, Tina and I put up the tree, move stuff around, clean clean clean, and need help moving the TV up the stairs so I can get rid of it. Saturday he tells me "Let's do it tomorrow" so Sunday we go outside, he pushes once, declares it too heavy and suggests I put an ad in the paper for a free TV. It's still sitting out there on the porch. I think tonight I am going to get the power screwdriver and take the damn thing apart and carry the pieces upstairs. SOON SOON SOON SOON SOON
When I was in Tampa, I was wanting dearly to let Danielle in, but Peace was there, and it just never felt like the right time. I was so frustrated at my family - My mom pointed out that she is alot like Mike in that she prefers to just come home and do nothing at all. It made me a tad annoyed. Did I seek to marry my mom instead of my dad? Whatever. Peace and I are firmly entrenched up here, and this is where we are going to stay. My visits a couple times a year are enough for me.
I have pushed JP away. The thickest wall I have built for him. When I start to cry or get sad, I instead add another layer, so that now, I almost have myself convinced I don't even miss him.
Or maybe I really don't? Maybe I don't miss him and that is what I am trying to hide from myself? I know I need to spend some time alone searching and thinking through this, but I am not able to find that alone time here or now. So I put him off. I told him I needed to retreat inward for a bit and that I would get back to him SOON. I tried to talk with him last night on IM...it was like 2 total strangers talking. It was bland and I left more unsaid than said. But I wasn't ready to open up, and I think he is struggling with that too. Or maybe he isn't. Maybe he is not missing me anymore than I am missing him. Maybe we simply miss the idea of each other. The Kaedo/Bemeni connection thing that is so so so pure and powerful and awesome. Maybe we are realizing that JP/Tracy! aren't KD/Bem and the more we try to make each other in those roles, the worse the recoil is.
I don't want to talk about that anymore. SOON I will address it.
I need to go to work. I have been sitting here listening to Peace and Mike try to leave for the day, waiting for them, HIM, to be gone so I can shower in peace. I have like 45 minutes before I need to leave still, but I need to eat breakfast and stuff too.
It's going to be a good day.