bits of standup for tonight
And now I’ve just used the word rip in relation to something sexual. Which, you’d THINK is something that you don’t want, but I just found out about this craze in Jamaica, for a kind of sexy dance called ‘daggering’ - which, essentially, is where the guy just kind of… jabs wildly at the girl, as a pickup move on the dance floor and then presumably later in bed. Apparently it leads to a lot of ruptured penises and general genital injury. That’s alliteration. Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but that’s not what I would be looking for in a one night stand. Clumsily smashing your genitals together is not exactly the ideal boudoir experience. It’s kind of like the way my barbie dolls used to have sex. Also, the way they fought, but when they fought, they would smash their heads together, and when they had sex, it was kind of a matter of moving their legs out into a weirdly stilted v-split and then one of them would kind of go sideways. P.E class was a revelation to me. I also now, always wear my underwear in bed.
I’m not you know, a RADICAL feminist, but also, enjoying stabby sex is really only acceptable if you’re jack the ripper. If you are jack the ripper, I have a few things to say to you. One is, please identify yourself. It’s kind of a big mystery and I’d like to solve it. Second, how did you get a time machine. Can I have it? A time machine would be awesome.