(no subject)
My life is falling apart. I've been crying nonstop lately. I don't sleep and I hardly eat anymore. I have no desire to do anything. I can't even read a book or stay content with the music I'm listening to. I can't hold on to anything I have. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. No one listens anymore. No one gives any feedback. No one has any advice anymore. Any advice they had they spend on themselves. Things have changed so much. I don't like it. There's always been that one constant thing in my life while I've had to endure change; there was always that person, that group, that security. But not this time. No no, not this time. I'm all by myself. Plenty of people have had to do this by themselves. I'M NOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE. I need to have that someone.
I lost my best friend over something that was so .. trite. We both have our reasons ending the friendship, although I didn't want it to end. I never want things to end. So when that ended, I had him around. I didn't grieve or mourn the loss of said friendship. I still felt safe. And when she wasn't around, he was. He was my security, he was my comfort zone and no one else was allowed in. I had never been so comfortable in my life and I can't stress that enough. And now I have nothing. Nothing at all. I have no one I can turn to for comfort. No one will sit there and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Everything always ends up okay eventually, right?
Jessica is in Georgia dealing with her own loss. Darya is living her life in Bowling Green. Mikey is in Cleveland and is finally enjoying his life. I cannot invade their lives with my own problem because they will probably look at it like something so stupid and so little compared to their own problems/happiness.
I miss Katy and I miss Jacob. I do so much. As much as I don't want anything to do with him, I want him to be in my life. The things I hear about Katy don't make me too happy -- she's doing things that I don't agree with and I don't condone as mature but I do miss her as well. Jacob is trying to make my life a living hell and as hard as he's trying, he's not really succeeding. Because in all reality, I'm the one who's making my life a living hell. I need to get out of Canton more than anyone I know. What's holding me back? WHO is holding me back? I fear that I need to get out of my life rather than Canton. Canton isn't really THAT bad, it's just the people who populate it.
I feel like I will never love a human being as much as I loved my best friend. And I feel I will never reach that comfort level ever again like how it was when Jacob was around.
I regret not going to Jake's grave on the 17th (**note: my Jake, not the Jacob being mentioned above) but other than that, I don't regret anything else that's happened in the past 5 months. I wish things would have worked out differently with Katy but our lives are going in separate directions. Maybe one day they will intertwine again but that is something I can look forward to only when I get out of this slump. I was so happy and I'm hopeful that everyone noticed that.
I lost my best friend over something that was so .. trite. We both have our reasons ending the friendship, although I didn't want it to end. I never want things to end. So when that ended, I had him around. I didn't grieve or mourn the loss of said friendship. I still felt safe. And when she wasn't around, he was. He was my security, he was my comfort zone and no one else was allowed in. I had never been so comfortable in my life and I can't stress that enough. And now I have nothing. Nothing at all. I have no one I can turn to for comfort. No one will sit there and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Everything always ends up okay eventually, right?
Jessica is in Georgia dealing with her own loss. Darya is living her life in Bowling Green. Mikey is in Cleveland and is finally enjoying his life. I cannot invade their lives with my own problem because they will probably look at it like something so stupid and so little compared to their own problems/happiness.
I miss Katy and I miss Jacob. I do so much. As much as I don't want anything to do with him, I want him to be in my life. The things I hear about Katy don't make me too happy -- she's doing things that I don't agree with and I don't condone as mature but I do miss her as well. Jacob is trying to make my life a living hell and as hard as he's trying, he's not really succeeding. Because in all reality, I'm the one who's making my life a living hell. I need to get out of Canton more than anyone I know. What's holding me back? WHO is holding me back? I fear that I need to get out of my life rather than Canton. Canton isn't really THAT bad, it's just the people who populate it.
I feel like I will never love a human being as much as I loved my best friend. And I feel I will never reach that comfort level ever again like how it was when Jacob was around.
I regret not going to Jake's grave on the 17th (**note: my Jake, not the Jacob being mentioned above) but other than that, I don't regret anything else that's happened in the past 5 months. I wish things would have worked out differently with Katy but our lives are going in separate directions. Maybe one day they will intertwine again but that is something I can look forward to only when I get out of this slump. I was so happy and I'm hopeful that everyone noticed that.