Belated wrap up of my last couple posts, and some new developments.
Had a lovely videochat with alisso for a few hours this morning, she was randomly looking through her old LJ posts, making me realise I never posted the result of my counseling saga here, so.
Andi wasn't rehired. She was one of only two other counselors that weren't. *sighs* She thinks it was office politics. I kind of feel bad, like she was caught up in my karma or something, even though I know that's irrational. It still feels like it. MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM. /o\
The plan was for her and my Psych RN, Sue, to meet and discuss if there was another good match for me in the current crop of counselors there, or if I should wait til they hire more. I told Andi that I was fine with taking a break, that I'd felt like taking one for a while now.
So fast forward a month+ and I never heard back from Sue, though I did get a voicemail message from a new girl, Shirley, who said that she's handling Andi's as-yet-unassigned cases for now, and that I could make an appt to see her in the interim if I wanted to, which was nice of her to let me know.
I was supposed to see Sue for our next check-in yesterday, but I cancelled it. I've been in another downward slide the last month, even less motivation and interest in things than usual, and I'm not on meds so it's not like I need a prescription, so I did something I never do and said fuck it. I don't know how to explain to a mental health professional that I'm decidedly not fine, but I don't want help. The things they would want me to change are all things I feel unable or unwilling to do right now. I've been doing this for my entire adult life, I have improved and learned so much, further than I ever thought I'd get, actually, but now it's like I've hit this big brick wall.
ALSO, Jana's going to a new place for counseling, and they're closer to me, and they have an actual psychologist on staff that I could see and possibly finally get an official Asperger's/Autism Spectrum diagnosis on my record. This would be really helpful, especially with my disability file. BUT, again, no motivation or interest in getting help, and I'm so utterly discouraged and frustrated with treatment after 10-12 counselors in 16 years. So why go and waste their time.
But I can't just stop treatment, because of my disability. I need to show that I'm under continual treatment and care so they can keep paying me. Nevermind that it's not doing anything anymore. And really, why is that such a hard concept for people? That occasionally there will be people who can't progress past a certain point. And that point might not be in a socially functional area. I get that people don't accept that because then some people who COULD get even better might give up prematurely, but is that reason to punish people who CAN'T, by making them go through the same things over and over?
I just want to rest and be done until I'm ready to not be done anymore. I'm tired of being pushed and pulled and dragged around because I'm defective and not capable.
It's juvenile and immature and selfish of me, but.... it's not fair.
Andi wasn't rehired. She was one of only two other counselors that weren't. *sighs* She thinks it was office politics. I kind of feel bad, like she was caught up in my karma or something, even though I know that's irrational. It still feels like it. MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES, LET ME SHOW YOU THEM. /o\
The plan was for her and my Psych RN, Sue, to meet and discuss if there was another good match for me in the current crop of counselors there, or if I should wait til they hire more. I told Andi that I was fine with taking a break, that I'd felt like taking one for a while now.
So fast forward a month+ and I never heard back from Sue, though I did get a voicemail message from a new girl, Shirley, who said that she's handling Andi's as-yet-unassigned cases for now, and that I could make an appt to see her in the interim if I wanted to, which was nice of her to let me know.
I was supposed to see Sue for our next check-in yesterday, but I cancelled it. I've been in another downward slide the last month, even less motivation and interest in things than usual, and I'm not on meds so it's not like I need a prescription, so I did something I never do and said fuck it. I don't know how to explain to a mental health professional that I'm decidedly not fine, but I don't want help. The things they would want me to change are all things I feel unable or unwilling to do right now. I've been doing this for my entire adult life, I have improved and learned so much, further than I ever thought I'd get, actually, but now it's like I've hit this big brick wall.
ALSO, Jana's going to a new place for counseling, and they're closer to me, and they have an actual psychologist on staff that I could see and possibly finally get an official Asperger's/Autism Spectrum diagnosis on my record. This would be really helpful, especially with my disability file. BUT, again, no motivation or interest in getting help, and I'm so utterly discouraged and frustrated with treatment after 10-12 counselors in 16 years. So why go and waste their time.
But I can't just stop treatment, because of my disability. I need to show that I'm under continual treatment and care so they can keep paying me. Nevermind that it's not doing anything anymore. And really, why is that such a hard concept for people? That occasionally there will be people who can't progress past a certain point. And that point might not be in a socially functional area. I get that people don't accept that because then some people who COULD get even better might give up prematurely, but is that reason to punish people who CAN'T, by making them go through the same things over and over?
I just want to rest and be done until I'm ready to not be done anymore. I'm tired of being pushed and pulled and dragged around because I'm defective and not capable.
It's juvenile and immature and selfish of me, but.... it's not fair.