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(Crossposted from Tumblr)
I had a really good talk with alisso this morning before she went to bed, and I've been thinking about it ever since. I think she really nailed a big issue with the way my mental illnesses intersect with my autism. I'm pretty positive she won't mind me posting what she said, so to make it quicker, I shall. It started with us ( Read more... )
I know a lot of the problem can be the stuff you do, the stuff that makes Alisso love you is hard to catalogue. I don't love Ruth because she's good at making bread and knitting things and writing fic. I love her because she makes me happy and we fit together and look after each other and we love similar thins and she loves me. I can see how it can be hard to convince yourself of things that you don't have tangible proof for if your brain works that way.
Don't suppose it would be easier to convince yourself that everyone deserves someone who loves them and to be happy?
Hopefully time will help. I know I spent a lot of time expecting R to realise that there were people who weren't so broken. We are both broken though and work together. Time helps you see that I guess.
I can see how much you do for Alisso, see how happy you make her. It makes me grin stupidly to know you guys have each other.
I wish I had a solution. Unfortunately depression really fucks with everything. I know realistically that I am sick and yet I am constantly trying to convince myself that I am just making it up or blowing things out of proportion even with physical evidence to the contrary.
*hugs*
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The thing about me feeling like I don't deserve Alisso was just an example of the issue. It more fully comes up in how I don't feel like a person and I have trouble believing I have friends that really care and are interested and invested in me. Even when they tell me. And I hate myself for that, but like I said in my post here, it helps to know that it's not just me being an asshole at least. :\
Don't suppose it would be easier to convince yourself that everyone deserves someone who loves them and to be happy?
A bit, but I still have trouble feeling like I AM someone. I've always felt outside the equation of 'people'.
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