(no subject)
No, I have not fallen off the LJ planet....
Eh, I dunno why. Just didn't think some things were worth posting.
My recital's over and done with. I survived. Got the recording yesterday. Sounds pretty good to me.
Not failing anything that I know of...now I probably won't make Dean's list, but at this point I don't really care. I just need to get out and get on with m life.
Ok, now for the deep, reflective stuff.
I know many people are aware of the issues I have/still have concerning mental and emotional stability. It really all started last year with serious issues with anger and depression. The shit hit the fan back this past September when I did something really stupid. It landed me in the ER, it got me in trouble with Res Life, it got me in trouble with other people, got me put on more medication.....but most worst of all was that I hurt others in the process. Some very badly. The increase in medication led to more problems and I had another episode in October. Ok, so now everyone thinks I'm bipolar or nuts or just a horrible person. whatever.
I realized a while ago that this was not me. I cannot stress that enough. The things that have happened. They are not who I am. It's most certainly not what I want to become. Pretty much ever since I've started having issues, I have been praying to God for the strength to keep going. For the understanding for the people that have every right to be angry at me. For healing from whatever problems I've been having.
I have made a serious effort since October and November to rebuild my life after the horrible events of last semester. I can never forget what I did. I can't expect others to. What I hope people realize is that I have to live with my problems and what I did. I am trying to live like the person I thought I was before and the person I think I should be. I am trying so hard. I am learning to talk to people, especially a counselor, about what I deal with. I am making the hardest effort I ever have at learning healthy ways to cope with the issues I have. My desire to get better is strong enough that I am willing to take medication that makes me physically sick sometimes so that I can relearn what it feels like to be stable.
I hold no grudges against people. I try not to dwell on the wrongs that have been done. I'm not trying to pretend nothing happened. I am trying to make a situation that is good and healthy and not allowing for something like that to ever happen again.
What bothers me is......some people do not realize this. I know I have done wrong, or have been weird, but I would think that my effort to better myself and stabilize myself and to right anything I did wrong(whether by commission or omission) would be worth something. Apparently not, for some people. I'm not naming names. And a deep part of me almost feels like I deserve it...but that doesn't seem right.
Actually, it's the ignoring and the noncommunication that bothers me. I can live with personality clashes. I don't expect everyone to like me. I know that my personality clashes with others. If I know that, than I can live with that. If I'm being ignored or whatever because personalities simply don't match, I can deal with that.
If someone does not like me for something I have done, that's a little trickier. How am I to rectify the situation if I don't know what it is I have done? Treating me like a guilty person when I don't even know what I've been accused of. It's as if you would like me if my behavior were different. It's not fair to just write me off without even letting me know what I've done. Talk to me. More likely than not, I will do all I can to make things better. If it is something I cannot bring myself to do, I will let you know. That won't make you like me or talk to me, but at least then I know WHY.
And just to make this not such a dreary thing....I am angry at no one. I do not dislike anyone. For those of you that have been my friends and acquaintances, thank you. You people mean a lot.
Eh, I dunno why. Just didn't think some things were worth posting.
My recital's over and done with. I survived. Got the recording yesterday. Sounds pretty good to me.
Not failing anything that I know of...now I probably won't make Dean's list, but at this point I don't really care. I just need to get out and get on with m life.
Ok, now for the deep, reflective stuff.
I know many people are aware of the issues I have/still have concerning mental and emotional stability. It really all started last year with serious issues with anger and depression. The shit hit the fan back this past September when I did something really stupid. It landed me in the ER, it got me in trouble with Res Life, it got me in trouble with other people, got me put on more medication.....but most worst of all was that I hurt others in the process. Some very badly. The increase in medication led to more problems and I had another episode in October. Ok, so now everyone thinks I'm bipolar or nuts or just a horrible person. whatever.
I realized a while ago that this was not me. I cannot stress that enough. The things that have happened. They are not who I am. It's most certainly not what I want to become. Pretty much ever since I've started having issues, I have been praying to God for the strength to keep going. For the understanding for the people that have every right to be angry at me. For healing from whatever problems I've been having.
I have made a serious effort since October and November to rebuild my life after the horrible events of last semester. I can never forget what I did. I can't expect others to. What I hope people realize is that I have to live with my problems and what I did. I am trying to live like the person I thought I was before and the person I think I should be. I am trying so hard. I am learning to talk to people, especially a counselor, about what I deal with. I am making the hardest effort I ever have at learning healthy ways to cope with the issues I have. My desire to get better is strong enough that I am willing to take medication that makes me physically sick sometimes so that I can relearn what it feels like to be stable.
I hold no grudges against people. I try not to dwell on the wrongs that have been done. I'm not trying to pretend nothing happened. I am trying to make a situation that is good and healthy and not allowing for something like that to ever happen again.
What bothers me is......some people do not realize this. I know I have done wrong, or have been weird, but I would think that my effort to better myself and stabilize myself and to right anything I did wrong(whether by commission or omission) would be worth something. Apparently not, for some people. I'm not naming names. And a deep part of me almost feels like I deserve it...but that doesn't seem right.
Actually, it's the ignoring and the noncommunication that bothers me. I can live with personality clashes. I don't expect everyone to like me. I know that my personality clashes with others. If I know that, than I can live with that. If I'm being ignored or whatever because personalities simply don't match, I can deal with that.
If someone does not like me for something I have done, that's a little trickier. How am I to rectify the situation if I don't know what it is I have done? Treating me like a guilty person when I don't even know what I've been accused of. It's as if you would like me if my behavior were different. It's not fair to just write me off without even letting me know what I've done. Talk to me. More likely than not, I will do all I can to make things better. If it is something I cannot bring myself to do, I will let you know. That won't make you like me or talk to me, but at least then I know WHY.
And just to make this not such a dreary thing....I am angry at no one. I do not dislike anyone. For those of you that have been my friends and acquaintances, thank you. You people mean a lot.