Fic: My Secret Revealed
Title: My Secret Revealed
Author: random_nic
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Brief mention of violence.
Word Count: 3331
Summary: AU. In 1964's Oakdale, Luke Snyder struggles to come to terms with who he is, and what it could cost him.
Notes: Song lyrics are dispersed throughout, and differentiated with italics. Story filled the prompt Please please me from sarahsezlove at the what_did_you_do community.
June, 1964
Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try girl
As the Beatles’ tune sailed across the summer air, Luke Snyder watched the party scene before him, smiling at his friends' exuberant celebration of their high school graduation. While he was glad for everyone's happiness, as usual, he couldn't help but feel apart from it. That feeling had been a part of him for so long, he didn't even question it.
Luke didn't let on, of course. He loved his friends, in the way that you love schoolmates, but was close to few of them. And even with those friends, Luke hid much of who he was.
He understood; he had to. Who he was -- what he was -- was unacceptable. His heart twinged painfully at the thought.
“Hello, handsome,” came a soft whisper in his ear. Instead of the warmth such a voice should elicit, Luke felt the dread arise within him. As usual, it was quickly followed by guilt; by the knowledge he was a complete fraud.
You don't need me to show the way, love
Why do I always have to say, love
“Dance with me, Susie,” he replied, in a hasty gambit launched to prevent her from what she normally sought when she was using that tone with him. Luke needed to make sure they stayed with the others - that she didn’t get the chance to pull him away for alone time.
“I have a better idea,” she cooed; seductively, she probably imagined.
“It’s the last time we’ll all be together,” he complained in response. “You and I have all summer to spend with each other.”
Liar, he scolded himself.
This was the last night they’d spend together, he knew.
They were breaking up tomorrow, he planned.
When Luke had first realized how he was different, it wasn’t even a choice to hide it from others. There was no other option. Unless being entirely shunned, instantly disowned, and possibly much, much worse could be considered an “option.”
He’d heard the story of Tyler Matthews. Everyone in their small, conservative town had. How the young man several grades ahead of Luke had been suspected of being a deviant.
How when confronted with the accusations, the boy actually admitted it. How worse still, he’d scoffed when offered the chance to repent. How one day, the young man simply wasn’t there anymore, and no one could really pinpoint exactly why.
Rumors were widespread, of course. His parents had sent him to a seminary. He’d joined the Army. He’d transferred to a college out-of-state. He’d hitchhiked to California.
He’d been dragged from his home in the middle of the night, and bound and gagged and struck repeatedly until his well-meaning, God-fearing neighbors could pound the devil out of him, but the evil had been so rooted, so resistant that the life had been beaten out, as well.
So, maybe that particular rumor had more details. And a few witnesses.
When Luke realized he was like Tyler, he was overwhelmed by the crush of terror that deluged his heart. He was terrified people would somehow see; that someday students would gossip and speculate whether he had gone to Africa with the Peace Corps. Or backpacking in Europe.
Or had his soul “saved” and his body strung up as an example to them.
Honesty was not an option.
“Let’s take a nature walk,” Susie purred suggestively, breaking into Luke’s thoughts. Still hopeful, she took his hand to pull him away from the lakeside, and towards the woods.
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
“No, Suz,” he protested, perhaps a little too sharply. He tried to infuse some note of affection as he continued. “I want to stay with our class -- it’s our last chance. And you love this song -- let’s dance.”
Susie surprised Luke then by looking at him. No, not just looking; for once, it seemed like she could see him. Like she knew he wanted to dance with her only slightly more than he wanted to be alone with her, but was truly excited by neither prospect.
“You know what? I’m sick of this. You’re supposed to be my boyfriend, Luke. But every time I try to get close to you, you act bored, or creeped out. Do you know how many guys here would love to be with me?”
Please please me
Like I please you
“Every guy here,” Luke agreed, reminded of what he already knew. In his quest to protect himself, he’d been hurting someone else. Someone who was sweet and caring and didn’t deserve this.
“Then you won’t mind if I go for a walk with one of them, will you?” Susie crossed her arms and stood expectantly, awaiting the objection her boyfriend would lodge.
It never came.
I don't want to sound complaining
But you know there's always rain in my heart
I do all the pleasing with you
It's so hard to reason with you
Oh yeah, why do you make me blue
For Susie, the silence began turning to realization.
“What’s wrong with you? You act like you couldn’t care less if we’re together! Is that it? Are you breaking up with me?”
Luke had meant to wait. He’d wanted her to enjoy this last high school experience, this final evening with all of their classmates. But in trying to live his life right, he’d already done something very wrong.
He’d led her on. Not purposely; he really did like Susie. She was fun and bubbly and thoughtful, and when she’d shown an interest in Luke, it had made sense to take her to junior prom.
When she’d kissed him, it was gentle, and soothing, and made him feel like maybe he could be normal. When she’d suggested they go out the next weekend, it felt fine to agree. When their dates continued and by default made them a couple, Luke was content enough with that state of affairs.
It had eased his life in several ways. He enjoyed Susie’s companionship, it was true - but he especially liked no longer being the third wheel (or the ninth wheel, when their whole group of friends went out). And he was relieved when he felt the questioning looks subside; the ones that silently asked, you’re cute, you’re popular - why don’t you have a girlfriend?
And if they’d been thinking it before, with the desirable Susie on his arm, no one would have reason to compare him with Tyler Matthews.
Luke was ashamed at himself; at the knowledge that more than anything, the desperation for that safety had caused him to waste two years of Susie’s life.
Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try girl
“Yes, I think we should break up,” Luke confirmed. At the look of horror on his girlfriend’s -- no, ex-girlfriend’s -- face, he tried to console. “I haven’t been the kind of boyfriend you deserve, and I know now I never can be. You need more than that; I want more for you than that-”
“NO.” She cut Luke off suddenly, loathe to hear anymore about how she was being dumped for her own good. “I can’t believe you. TWO years and you just figured out you’re a god-awful boyfriend? I could’ve told you that a lot sooner. But it doesn’t matter, Luke; I love you anyway! Don’t you know that?”
Luke shook his head vigorously, knowing Susie had no idea what she was saying. “You think you do, but that’s because you don’t know me. Not the real me. If you did, you wouldn’t feel the same, I swear it. I’m not who you think I am, and you deserve so much better. You’ll find it; I know you will,” Luke finished emphatically.
“Spare me,” Susie replied bitterly. “As revolting as I must be, I don’t think they’ll be lining up.”
“Please don’t say that! You’re beautiful!”
“Obviously not. You can barely stand to touch me! Either I’m hideous, or you’re queer.”
Incredibly, she failed to comprehend what she’d said. Luke saw that the girl was so wrapped up in the rejection of everything she was, she didn’t seem to understand how precisely she’d pegged what he was. He came so close to saying it, then.
You’re right. It is me, not you. I am queer.
If he’d been braver, he would’ve said those things. But in truth, he cared a little bit less about her feelings than his breathing. He stayed silent.
Luke stood in place, and watched her storm off in tears. He wondered if he could leave the party now, without arousing any more suspicion than his breakup with Susie might have. He hated that he had to second-guess every move he made, always having to stay vigilant of how it might be perceived.
“You’ve got a real way with the ladies.”
Luke started, so surprised was he to hear the voice so close behind him. He and Susie had argued on the perimeter of the party. Near enough for anyone to discern what was happening, but far enough Luke had assumed the particulars of their conversation hadn’t been overheard.
He hadn’t known someone else had been in such proximity. Luke began to fear what the stranger may have heard. Still, he quickly masked that with annoyance, and turned to give the interloper a piece of his mind.
Later, Luke would wonder what he must have looked like as he’d sucked in a deep breath to begin his tirade, only to have no words emerge.
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t remember why he was supposed to be angry.
Before Luke stood the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. Actually, it would be more accurate to say above him stood the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. Luke topped six feet, and it was rare he met someone taller than himself, but this boy was.
Luke had to look up to meet the boy’s eyes directly. When he did, he determined that had been a very bad idea. How the hell could eyes be that blue? And how the hell could Luke concentrate on the eavesdropping diatribe he’d meant to launch when he couldn’t recall how it was one went about forming words?
“No offense, but I don’t think I’ll ever ask you to be my wingman.”
The other boy was still talking. He had no trouble forming words. Apparently, Luke’s hazel eyes and too-long dirty-blond hair wasn’t affecting the guy like the guy was affecting him.
Of course not, Luke internally chastised himself. He’s normal; not like you. Normal, and magnificent.
“Are you okay? Breakups are tough, but on the plus side -- there’s beer!” The dark-haired boy - his hair was the deepest shade of black, setting off the impossibly bright blue eyes even more - pointed to a cooler. Then, he smiled.
Luke actually had to step back to steady himself. He felt dizzy; like there was plenty of oxygen to be had, but for some reason he couldn’t think how to access it. He started to feel his knees give out beneath him.
His fall was halted by solid arms sliding around him, gripping his waist securely. As the other boy pulled Luke up, attempting to right him, Luke couldn’t stop his body’s reaction at being pressed so deliciously close to this beautiful creature. Oh God.
The other boy froze. He’d felt the sudden hardness against him. Panicked, Luke pushed to free himself, and ran.
The irony that he was running to the same woods he’d refused to accompany Susie into didn’t escape him. If he’d only said yes, his secret would be safe. Before now, it hadn’t been too difficult to put off having sex with Susie.
He’d told her that his parents had taught him it was a sin to have sex before marriage. That was true. That he believed it, too? That wasn’t.
But he knew the excuse had been faltering for awhile. He was a teenaged boy. In two years, she’d seen him do any number of things his parents and his church frowned upon.
He knew his charade was falling apart. He knew his deceit was unfair to her. And he knew if he’d gone with her today, she would’ve expected more than one of their vanilla make-out sessions.
So he couldn’t be sorry he didn’t go. He had no right to do that to her. No right to take that from her.
Still, Luke was terrified. He’d revealed himself in the worst possible way. Soon enough, everyone would know what he was. He knew everyone would hate him.
He was scared to death that they would hurt him, too.
Luke ran until he couldn’t physically run anymore. He finally collapsed onto his knees, exhausted, and petrified, and so excruciatingly alone. Or so he thought.
“Jesus, you run fast,” came the now familiar, rich voice.
Luke’s head snapped up. He had to be hallucinating. That was it; he’d finally lost what was left of his sinful, depraved mind.
But if the boy was a mirage, he wasn’t evaporating, no matter how many times Luke blinked. Riddled with guilt and humiliation and despair, Luke suddenly became angry. He couldn’t believe the guy had followed him all this way just to stare at the freak.
“Why did you follow me? Why can’t you just leave me alone? I didn’t mean for that to happen! I don’t want to be this way!”
Luke realized the futility of trying to convince the stranger... of what? That he shouldn’t tell anyone what he knew? That he should keep Luke’s shame a secret?
Overcome with the knowledge his life was over, Luke broke down; his body dissolved into sharp, wrecked sobs. He didn’t even cover his face or try to stop the tears. His dignity was already a lost cause; what difference did it make now if he cried openly?
Luke was shocked when once again, strong arms moved to envelope him. He reflexively tried to move away, expecting the hold to turn angry -- even violent. Instead, the arms pulled him closer still; cradled him.
“Shhh,” the stranger soothed, lightly petting his hair. “I promise; you’re safe. I won’t hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you...”
At the kindness and care he was being shown, Luke disintegrated. He cried without restraint, burrowing into the warmth and strength and safety of the other boy’s chest. He let go so completely, he eventually cried himself to sleep.
When he awoke a short while later, Luke was stunned to find himself still within the other boy’s arms. His immediate fear of reprisal subsided once he realized: the boy had simply held him all this time. He hadn’t left him alone to go tell everyone Luke’s terrible secret.
Luke was safe.
As Luke leaned away to meet the boy’s eyes, there were so many questions that zipped through his mind. He settled on an innocuous one. “What’s your name?”
The boy smiled again - that blinding, consuming smile that made Luke’s heart miss several beats. “Noah Mayer. My cousin’s in your class; I came to town for his graduation.”
“Oh.” Luke took a deep breath. He was all right for the moment, but what if Noah said something later? He had to know. “Why...,” Luke began, but found he didn’t know which question to ask.
“Because you needed someone. Because I understand.” Looking at Luke with a deeper intensity, he added, “Because I’m like you.”
This time, Luke wasn’t sure if his heart would be content to only skip several beats, or if it would cease to work, full stop. He can’t mean... Luke knew what it sounded like, but he must have misunderstood. Anyone who was like himself would never willingly tell it, would they?
Noah must’ve read the doubt in Luke’s eyes. Before Luke processed what was happening, the other boy was leaning closer, until finally, his lips descended softly onto Luke’s. Oh my God!
Though Luke stilled at first, too knocked for six to think what to do, he recovered after a few moments. As he absorbed the heavenly touch of Noah’s lips to his own, he wondered how something so freely given and exquisitely blissful could be wrong. When the tip of Noah’s tongue traced along the part in Luke’s lips, his mouth instinctively knew it was supposed to open, and allow it entrance.
They remained in the woods for hours, or a lifetime. Luke didn’t know. They kissed, and talked, and touched, and held.
Luke learned that Noah loved old movies, and planned to study filmmaking at Berkeley. Luke learned that Noah was from Missouri, but would be heading to California early before starting school in the fall. Luke learned that Noah’s strict father had found out what his son was, and so Noah would not be stopping home on his way to the West Coast.
Luke learned that he’d fallen hopelessly in love with Noah Mayer.
Some part of Luke found it funny that this had been the last place he'd wanted to go, and now he never wanted to leave. Leaving would mean it was over. Leaving would mean hiding all over again.
Leaving would mean losing Noah.
It was this thought that brought forth his tears again. This time, he tried to stop them. He didn’t want to bring Noah down, too.
“Don’t cry. It’s going to be all right,” Noah reassured him, rubbing circles in his hands. “You’re going to be okay.”
Luke didn’t want to explode, but he couldn’t help it. “How, Noah?! How am I going to be okay? All this time, I’ve had to live knowing everything I am is wrong. And then you come along, and show me maybe I’m not bad - maybe it’s everyone else who’s wrong. And I want to believe it so badly, but how can I? How can I when you’ll be gone, and I’ll be all alone again with people who would hate me if they knew who I really am? How can I be okay when you’ll be gone and I’m in love with you?!”
Luke hadn’t meant to say that. He didn’t want to lay a guilt trip on the only person who’d seen the real him, and cared for him anyway. He simply hadn’t been able to stop the word vomit once it had started; he couldn't fight finally releasing the torrent of emotions rocking him with the one person in front of whom it was safe to do so.
Noah regarded Luke quietly, before finally giving a one-word reply. “Easy.”
Luke was both gobsmacked, and infuriated. “EASY?! You think this will be easy for me? Maybe it will be for you. You said where you’re going, people are more understanding, and you can live your life like you want. But I can’t - I’ll be here! How can you think I’ll just be fine?!!”
“Easy,” Noah repeated, this time with a slow, small smile. Before Luke could become even more upset, Noah explained. “You’ll come with me.”
Once more, Luke’s heart caught in his throat. He struggled to ask; to make sure he'd heard right. “You want...”
“I want,” Noah confirmed, his smile expanding, again taking over his whole face.
Again taking over Luke’s heart.
The next afternoon, they drove away from Oakdale. Noah’s left hand steered, while his right arm lay wrapped around Luke’s shoulder, holding his boyfriend securely to his side. Luke snuggled in, and reached out to flip the radio on, surprised to find it playing the same song as when they met.
You don't need me to show the way, love
Why do I always have to say, love
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Please please me
Oh yeah, like I please you
-END-
************************************************************************************************************************************
End note: Tyler Matthews is named for Tyler Clementi and Matthew Shepard. Tyler took his own life last year, after enduring harrassment and invasion of his privacy by his college roommate over his sexuality. Matthew was brutally murdered thirteen years ago this week. This story is dedicated to them, and to every LGBT individual who has been ostracized, persecuted, injured, or even killed because of small people with smaller minds. As anyone reading this knows, hate was wrong in 1964, it was wrong in 1998, and it’s wrong now.
Author: random_nic
Pairing: Luke/Noah
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Brief mention of violence.
Word Count: 3331
Summary: AU. In 1964's Oakdale, Luke Snyder struggles to come to terms with who he is, and what it could cost him.
Notes: Song lyrics are dispersed throughout, and differentiated with italics. Story filled the prompt Please please me from sarahsezlove at the what_did_you_do community.
June, 1964
Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try girl
As the Beatles’ tune sailed across the summer air, Luke Snyder watched the party scene before him, smiling at his friends' exuberant celebration of their high school graduation. While he was glad for everyone's happiness, as usual, he couldn't help but feel apart from it. That feeling had been a part of him for so long, he didn't even question it.
Luke didn't let on, of course. He loved his friends, in the way that you love schoolmates, but was close to few of them. And even with those friends, Luke hid much of who he was.
He understood; he had to. Who he was -- what he was -- was unacceptable. His heart twinged painfully at the thought.
“Hello, handsome,” came a soft whisper in his ear. Instead of the warmth such a voice should elicit, Luke felt the dread arise within him. As usual, it was quickly followed by guilt; by the knowledge he was a complete fraud.
You don't need me to show the way, love
Why do I always have to say, love
“Dance with me, Susie,” he replied, in a hasty gambit launched to prevent her from what she normally sought when she was using that tone with him. Luke needed to make sure they stayed with the others - that she didn’t get the chance to pull him away for alone time.
“I have a better idea,” she cooed; seductively, she probably imagined.
“It’s the last time we’ll all be together,” he complained in response. “You and I have all summer to spend with each other.”
Liar, he scolded himself.
This was the last night they’d spend together, he knew.
They were breaking up tomorrow, he planned.
When Luke had first realized how he was different, it wasn’t even a choice to hide it from others. There was no other option. Unless being entirely shunned, instantly disowned, and possibly much, much worse could be considered an “option.”
He’d heard the story of Tyler Matthews. Everyone in their small, conservative town had. How the young man several grades ahead of Luke had been suspected of being a deviant.
How when confronted with the accusations, the boy actually admitted it. How worse still, he’d scoffed when offered the chance to repent. How one day, the young man simply wasn’t there anymore, and no one could really pinpoint exactly why.
Rumors were widespread, of course. His parents had sent him to a seminary. He’d joined the Army. He’d transferred to a college out-of-state. He’d hitchhiked to California.
He’d been dragged from his home in the middle of the night, and bound and gagged and struck repeatedly until his well-meaning, God-fearing neighbors could pound the devil out of him, but the evil had been so rooted, so resistant that the life had been beaten out, as well.
So, maybe that particular rumor had more details. And a few witnesses.
When Luke realized he was like Tyler, he was overwhelmed by the crush of terror that deluged his heart. He was terrified people would somehow see; that someday students would gossip and speculate whether he had gone to Africa with the Peace Corps. Or backpacking in Europe.
Or had his soul “saved” and his body strung up as an example to them.
Honesty was not an option.
“Let’s take a nature walk,” Susie purred suggestively, breaking into Luke’s thoughts. Still hopeful, she took his hand to pull him away from the lakeside, and towards the woods.
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
“No, Suz,” he protested, perhaps a little too sharply. He tried to infuse some note of affection as he continued. “I want to stay with our class -- it’s our last chance. And you love this song -- let’s dance.”
Susie surprised Luke then by looking at him. No, not just looking; for once, it seemed like she could see him. Like she knew he wanted to dance with her only slightly more than he wanted to be alone with her, but was truly excited by neither prospect.
“You know what? I’m sick of this. You’re supposed to be my boyfriend, Luke. But every time I try to get close to you, you act bored, or creeped out. Do you know how many guys here would love to be with me?”
Please please me
Like I please you
“Every guy here,” Luke agreed, reminded of what he already knew. In his quest to protect himself, he’d been hurting someone else. Someone who was sweet and caring and didn’t deserve this.
“Then you won’t mind if I go for a walk with one of them, will you?” Susie crossed her arms and stood expectantly, awaiting the objection her boyfriend would lodge.
It never came.
I don't want to sound complaining
But you know there's always rain in my heart
I do all the pleasing with you
It's so hard to reason with you
Oh yeah, why do you make me blue
For Susie, the silence began turning to realization.
“What’s wrong with you? You act like you couldn’t care less if we’re together! Is that it? Are you breaking up with me?”
Luke had meant to wait. He’d wanted her to enjoy this last high school experience, this final evening with all of their classmates. But in trying to live his life right, he’d already done something very wrong.
He’d led her on. Not purposely; he really did like Susie. She was fun and bubbly and thoughtful, and when she’d shown an interest in Luke, it had made sense to take her to junior prom.
When she’d kissed him, it was gentle, and soothing, and made him feel like maybe he could be normal. When she’d suggested they go out the next weekend, it felt fine to agree. When their dates continued and by default made them a couple, Luke was content enough with that state of affairs.
It had eased his life in several ways. He enjoyed Susie’s companionship, it was true - but he especially liked no longer being the third wheel (or the ninth wheel, when their whole group of friends went out). And he was relieved when he felt the questioning looks subside; the ones that silently asked, you’re cute, you’re popular - why don’t you have a girlfriend?
And if they’d been thinking it before, with the desirable Susie on his arm, no one would have reason to compare him with Tyler Matthews.
Luke was ashamed at himself; at the knowledge that more than anything, the desperation for that safety had caused him to waste two years of Susie’s life.
Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try girl
“Yes, I think we should break up,” Luke confirmed. At the look of horror on his girlfriend’s -- no, ex-girlfriend’s -- face, he tried to console. “I haven’t been the kind of boyfriend you deserve, and I know now I never can be. You need more than that; I want more for you than that-”
“NO.” She cut Luke off suddenly, loathe to hear anymore about how she was being dumped for her own good. “I can’t believe you. TWO years and you just figured out you’re a god-awful boyfriend? I could’ve told you that a lot sooner. But it doesn’t matter, Luke; I love you anyway! Don’t you know that?”
Luke shook his head vigorously, knowing Susie had no idea what she was saying. “You think you do, but that’s because you don’t know me. Not the real me. If you did, you wouldn’t feel the same, I swear it. I’m not who you think I am, and you deserve so much better. You’ll find it; I know you will,” Luke finished emphatically.
“Spare me,” Susie replied bitterly. “As revolting as I must be, I don’t think they’ll be lining up.”
“Please don’t say that! You’re beautiful!”
“Obviously not. You can barely stand to touch me! Either I’m hideous, or you’re queer.”
Incredibly, she failed to comprehend what she’d said. Luke saw that the girl was so wrapped up in the rejection of everything she was, she didn’t seem to understand how precisely she’d pegged what he was. He came so close to saying it, then.
You’re right. It is me, not you. I am queer.
If he’d been braver, he would’ve said those things. But in truth, he cared a little bit less about her feelings than his breathing. He stayed silent.
Luke stood in place, and watched her storm off in tears. He wondered if he could leave the party now, without arousing any more suspicion than his breakup with Susie might have. He hated that he had to second-guess every move he made, always having to stay vigilant of how it might be perceived.
“You’ve got a real way with the ladies.”
Luke started, so surprised was he to hear the voice so close behind him. He and Susie had argued on the perimeter of the party. Near enough for anyone to discern what was happening, but far enough Luke had assumed the particulars of their conversation hadn’t been overheard.
He hadn’t known someone else had been in such proximity. Luke began to fear what the stranger may have heard. Still, he quickly masked that with annoyance, and turned to give the interloper a piece of his mind.
Later, Luke would wonder what he must have looked like as he’d sucked in a deep breath to begin his tirade, only to have no words emerge.
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t remember why he was supposed to be angry.
Before Luke stood the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. Actually, it would be more accurate to say above him stood the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. Luke topped six feet, and it was rare he met someone taller than himself, but this boy was.
Luke had to look up to meet the boy’s eyes directly. When he did, he determined that had been a very bad idea. How the hell could eyes be that blue? And how the hell could Luke concentrate on the eavesdropping diatribe he’d meant to launch when he couldn’t recall how it was one went about forming words?
“No offense, but I don’t think I’ll ever ask you to be my wingman.”
The other boy was still talking. He had no trouble forming words. Apparently, Luke’s hazel eyes and too-long dirty-blond hair wasn’t affecting the guy like the guy was affecting him.
Of course not, Luke internally chastised himself. He’s normal; not like you. Normal, and magnificent.
“Are you okay? Breakups are tough, but on the plus side -- there’s beer!” The dark-haired boy - his hair was the deepest shade of black, setting off the impossibly bright blue eyes even more - pointed to a cooler. Then, he smiled.
Luke actually had to step back to steady himself. He felt dizzy; like there was plenty of oxygen to be had, but for some reason he couldn’t think how to access it. He started to feel his knees give out beneath him.
His fall was halted by solid arms sliding around him, gripping his waist securely. As the other boy pulled Luke up, attempting to right him, Luke couldn’t stop his body’s reaction at being pressed so deliciously close to this beautiful creature. Oh God.
The other boy froze. He’d felt the sudden hardness against him. Panicked, Luke pushed to free himself, and ran.
The irony that he was running to the same woods he’d refused to accompany Susie into didn’t escape him. If he’d only said yes, his secret would be safe. Before now, it hadn’t been too difficult to put off having sex with Susie.
He’d told her that his parents had taught him it was a sin to have sex before marriage. That was true. That he believed it, too? That wasn’t.
But he knew the excuse had been faltering for awhile. He was a teenaged boy. In two years, she’d seen him do any number of things his parents and his church frowned upon.
He knew his charade was falling apart. He knew his deceit was unfair to her. And he knew if he’d gone with her today, she would’ve expected more than one of their vanilla make-out sessions.
So he couldn’t be sorry he didn’t go. He had no right to do that to her. No right to take that from her.
Still, Luke was terrified. He’d revealed himself in the worst possible way. Soon enough, everyone would know what he was. He knew everyone would hate him.
He was scared to death that they would hurt him, too.
Luke ran until he couldn’t physically run anymore. He finally collapsed onto his knees, exhausted, and petrified, and so excruciatingly alone. Or so he thought.
“Jesus, you run fast,” came the now familiar, rich voice.
Luke’s head snapped up. He had to be hallucinating. That was it; he’d finally lost what was left of his sinful, depraved mind.
But if the boy was a mirage, he wasn’t evaporating, no matter how many times Luke blinked. Riddled with guilt and humiliation and despair, Luke suddenly became angry. He couldn’t believe the guy had followed him all this way just to stare at the freak.
“Why did you follow me? Why can’t you just leave me alone? I didn’t mean for that to happen! I don’t want to be this way!”
Luke realized the futility of trying to convince the stranger... of what? That he shouldn’t tell anyone what he knew? That he should keep Luke’s shame a secret?
Overcome with the knowledge his life was over, Luke broke down; his body dissolved into sharp, wrecked sobs. He didn’t even cover his face or try to stop the tears. His dignity was already a lost cause; what difference did it make now if he cried openly?
Luke was shocked when once again, strong arms moved to envelope him. He reflexively tried to move away, expecting the hold to turn angry -- even violent. Instead, the arms pulled him closer still; cradled him.
“Shhh,” the stranger soothed, lightly petting his hair. “I promise; you’re safe. I won’t hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you...”
At the kindness and care he was being shown, Luke disintegrated. He cried without restraint, burrowing into the warmth and strength and safety of the other boy’s chest. He let go so completely, he eventually cried himself to sleep.
When he awoke a short while later, Luke was stunned to find himself still within the other boy’s arms. His immediate fear of reprisal subsided once he realized: the boy had simply held him all this time. He hadn’t left him alone to go tell everyone Luke’s terrible secret.
Luke was safe.
As Luke leaned away to meet the boy’s eyes, there were so many questions that zipped through his mind. He settled on an innocuous one. “What’s your name?”
The boy smiled again - that blinding, consuming smile that made Luke’s heart miss several beats. “Noah Mayer. My cousin’s in your class; I came to town for his graduation.”
“Oh.” Luke took a deep breath. He was all right for the moment, but what if Noah said something later? He had to know. “Why...,” Luke began, but found he didn’t know which question to ask.
“Because you needed someone. Because I understand.” Looking at Luke with a deeper intensity, he added, “Because I’m like you.”
This time, Luke wasn’t sure if his heart would be content to only skip several beats, or if it would cease to work, full stop. He can’t mean... Luke knew what it sounded like, but he must have misunderstood. Anyone who was like himself would never willingly tell it, would they?
Noah must’ve read the doubt in Luke’s eyes. Before Luke processed what was happening, the other boy was leaning closer, until finally, his lips descended softly onto Luke’s. Oh my God!
Though Luke stilled at first, too knocked for six to think what to do, he recovered after a few moments. As he absorbed the heavenly touch of Noah’s lips to his own, he wondered how something so freely given and exquisitely blissful could be wrong. When the tip of Noah’s tongue traced along the part in Luke’s lips, his mouth instinctively knew it was supposed to open, and allow it entrance.
They remained in the woods for hours, or a lifetime. Luke didn’t know. They kissed, and talked, and touched, and held.
Luke learned that Noah loved old movies, and planned to study filmmaking at Berkeley. Luke learned that Noah was from Missouri, but would be heading to California early before starting school in the fall. Luke learned that Noah’s strict father had found out what his son was, and so Noah would not be stopping home on his way to the West Coast.
Luke learned that he’d fallen hopelessly in love with Noah Mayer.
Some part of Luke found it funny that this had been the last place he'd wanted to go, and now he never wanted to leave. Leaving would mean it was over. Leaving would mean hiding all over again.
Leaving would mean losing Noah.
It was this thought that brought forth his tears again. This time, he tried to stop them. He didn’t want to bring Noah down, too.
“Don’t cry. It’s going to be all right,” Noah reassured him, rubbing circles in his hands. “You’re going to be okay.”
Luke didn’t want to explode, but he couldn’t help it. “How, Noah?! How am I going to be okay? All this time, I’ve had to live knowing everything I am is wrong. And then you come along, and show me maybe I’m not bad - maybe it’s everyone else who’s wrong. And I want to believe it so badly, but how can I? How can I when you’ll be gone, and I’ll be all alone again with people who would hate me if they knew who I really am? How can I be okay when you’ll be gone and I’m in love with you?!”
Luke hadn’t meant to say that. He didn’t want to lay a guilt trip on the only person who’d seen the real him, and cared for him anyway. He simply hadn’t been able to stop the word vomit once it had started; he couldn't fight finally releasing the torrent of emotions rocking him with the one person in front of whom it was safe to do so.
Noah regarded Luke quietly, before finally giving a one-word reply. “Easy.”
Luke was both gobsmacked, and infuriated. “EASY?! You think this will be easy for me? Maybe it will be for you. You said where you’re going, people are more understanding, and you can live your life like you want. But I can’t - I’ll be here! How can you think I’ll just be fine?!!”
“Easy,” Noah repeated, this time with a slow, small smile. Before Luke could become even more upset, Noah explained. “You’ll come with me.”
Once more, Luke’s heart caught in his throat. He struggled to ask; to make sure he'd heard right. “You want...”
“I want,” Noah confirmed, his smile expanding, again taking over his whole face.
Again taking over Luke’s heart.
The next afternoon, they drove away from Oakdale. Noah’s left hand steered, while his right arm lay wrapped around Luke’s shoulder, holding his boyfriend securely to his side. Luke snuggled in, and reached out to flip the radio on, surprised to find it playing the same song as when they met.
You don't need me to show the way, love
Why do I always have to say, love
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Please please me
Oh yeah, like I please you
-END-
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End note: Tyler Matthews is named for Tyler Clementi and Matthew Shepard. Tyler took his own life last year, after enduring harrassment and invasion of his privacy by his college roommate over his sexuality. Matthew was brutally murdered thirteen years ago this week. This story is dedicated to them, and to every LGBT individual who has been ostracized, persecuted, injured, or even killed because of small people with smaller minds. As anyone reading this knows, hate was wrong in 1964, it was wrong in 1998, and it’s wrong now.