spare me the details if you don't mind
I can't sleep.
I've been trying for over an hour, but I just can't.
The thought of her with him... it makes me sick. Literally. I threw up before I tried going to bed just at the mere image my brain has created of them together.
It tortures me. Especially at night. I seriously mean it when I say it tortures me. God, why did this have to happen?
I thought I could deal with it, I thought I could move past it and maintain control.
But I can't.
I can't sleep. I probably won't tonight. I might doze off an hour before I have to wake up for the day, and that'll only be if I'm lucky.
I tried to "forgive and forget". I really did, I promise. But I'm coming to the conclusion that "forgiving" and "forgetting" are two totally seperate ideas, and that when you try to combine them, it's total bullshit. Someday, I might forgive her. There's a very very small chance of that, but it's a chance. But I will never ever forget what she did. Ever.
She claims to feel horrible about it. She's "apologized" for the pain she's caused. As if that will do anything for me. She has absolutely NO idea what feeling horrible is. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. I am the one who feels horrible. I did nothing wrong, yet I pay the price.
I am the one who feels agony. I am the one who feels disgusted. I am the one who is tortured daily by my thoughts. I am the one who has nightmares about it. I am the one who gets ill just thinking about it. I am the one who suffers.
How dare she?
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
She claims to be happy for me now that I'm with someone else. Bullshit, yet again. Had she never done the horrible thing she did, she would not be happy for me. I'm not stupid. If she hadn't done those awful things, she'd hate me for having a new girlfriend. Anybody with half a brain would realize that. She's only "happy" for me because she feels guilty about what she did. She can argue that until the end of time, but I think it's more than obvious for anyone to figure out. Think about it.
I spent the better part of the past few months thinking I was a scumbag. Thinking I was a shitty boyfriend. Thinking all the problems lay within me. But more and more, I start to see that I wasn't such a scumbag afterall. All of my shortcomings combined will never even make up 1% of the scumbag she is for what she did.
She's in bed right now, getting a good night of peaceful rest.
I am sitting at my fucking computer after 4 in the morning, spilling my guts to a keyboard and monitor after throwing up and having nightmares while awake.
How fair is that, huh? Tell me, cause I'd like to know.
I've been trying for over an hour, but I just can't.
The thought of her with him... it makes me sick. Literally. I threw up before I tried going to bed just at the mere image my brain has created of them together.
It tortures me. Especially at night. I seriously mean it when I say it tortures me. God, why did this have to happen?
I thought I could deal with it, I thought I could move past it and maintain control.
But I can't.
I can't sleep. I probably won't tonight. I might doze off an hour before I have to wake up for the day, and that'll only be if I'm lucky.
I tried to "forgive and forget". I really did, I promise. But I'm coming to the conclusion that "forgiving" and "forgetting" are two totally seperate ideas, and that when you try to combine them, it's total bullshit. Someday, I might forgive her. There's a very very small chance of that, but it's a chance. But I will never ever forget what she did. Ever.
She claims to feel horrible about it. She's "apologized" for the pain she's caused. As if that will do anything for me. She has absolutely NO idea what feeling horrible is. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. I am the one who feels horrible. I did nothing wrong, yet I pay the price.
I am the one who feels agony. I am the one who feels disgusted. I am the one who is tortured daily by my thoughts. I am the one who has nightmares about it. I am the one who gets ill just thinking about it. I am the one who suffers.
How dare she?
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
She claims to be happy for me now that I'm with someone else. Bullshit, yet again. Had she never done the horrible thing she did, she would not be happy for me. I'm not stupid. If she hadn't done those awful things, she'd hate me for having a new girlfriend. Anybody with half a brain would realize that. She's only "happy" for me because she feels guilty about what she did. She can argue that until the end of time, but I think it's more than obvious for anyone to figure out. Think about it.
I spent the better part of the past few months thinking I was a scumbag. Thinking I was a shitty boyfriend. Thinking all the problems lay within me. But more and more, I start to see that I wasn't such a scumbag afterall. All of my shortcomings combined will never even make up 1% of the scumbag she is for what she did.
She's in bed right now, getting a good night of peaceful rest.
I am sitting at my fucking computer after 4 in the morning, spilling my guts to a keyboard and monitor after throwing up and having nightmares while awake.
How fair is that, huh? Tell me, cause I'd like to know.