So leave me at the Roadside . . .
I woke up this morning with all intentions of getting things done today and I believe that I was pretty successful. I am still without keys, however. So my car will sit outside for one more day until I can finally make it out to the Collier garage to ask if anyone has found my keys. I never really noticed just how hard it really is to get around anywhere or get anything done with the lack of a vehicle.
I did get to go to Soergel's with my dad today which we've done for years now and I never want it to change. I honestly don't know what I will do the first year that we don't go pumpkin picking followed by grabbing a gallon of fresh apple cider at Soergel's Orchards. I found two amazing pumpkins: One really long fat pumpkin that hopefully houses hundreds of pumpkin seeds for Erin and one mostly green pumpkin with an orange 'full moon' on the back side. I just felt bad for all of the green pumpkins left in the pumpkin patch and they all looked so amazing and had such great shape that I couldn't leave it although I really don't know what to expect when I set out to carve it in a week or so. I'm thinking Beetlejuice this year for my pumpkin.
Afterwards Erin picked me up with the aid of Shawn who was home for the weekend (left tonight for college) and we headed off to Shawn's house to simply hang out since I haven't really seen Shawn since he left for college. We spent a good 2 hours or so together before the Broncos/Patriots game ended after Overtime and Shawn had to go home. I honestly don't think I've hugged someone so many times in a short period of time since Paul and I broke up how many years ago. The only thing keeping me up from Shawn leaving is the fact that he will be back for a long 5 day weekend in 5 days.
After an awkward and sickening trip to Mad Mex with Erin (We had been craving good Mexican fajitas for weeks and had our hearts set on Mad Mex) where Dallas, Jessie, and Jon showed up just turning the whole night around. I find myself sitting here just printing out my homework that's due tomorrow at 9am for my Journalistic skills class. I'm listening to Rise Against, every acoustic song I can get my hands on, drinking a diet cherry Pepsi, chatting with Shawn, and contemplating downing another two Excedrine. I've been getting these horrendous headaches almost every day now and they make me almost physically sick, but that's only a recent development.
I've just been feeling very lost and confused lately, well I can't really call it lately since it's been going on for over a month or two now. I don't know if I'm coming or I'm going or what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I don't know what people are doing, why they're doing what they're doing, or why people are saying what they are. I don't know if I can trust people, but I want to trust them and yet I feel like there is no where I can turn. I feel like every one is telling me to do something and they're all telling me something different and my brain cannot make heads or tails of it all. I have just been wanting to disappear lately and not see anyone and yet I want to see everyone. I want to do everything. I want to go out to California, I want to be a famous bellydancer/performer, I want to be in Cirque du Soleil, I want to be on the Pens Patrol, I want to sit down and have a long conversation with Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Bill Guerin, I want to go to Vegas for a few nights and I'm sorry if it all sounds childish. But it's thoughts like those that help me get through knowing that I have something to work towards and attempt to accomplish. Granted, once I come to the realization that none of the above will ever happen I will be utterly devastated, until then I can have some sliver hope to escape this sad excuse for reality.
I don't know, maybe I'm overstressed, over-exhausted, spread too thin, and overthinking everything, but I seriously think I'm on the verge of losing it. I know what I'm going to go and do and that's run, hide everything that's wrong and try to not show any hint of sadness. I already work opening at Greentree starting at 4:30am right up until I go to class either at 9AM (Mon, Weds) or 11AM (Tues, Thurs) and then class ranging from 12:40PM -5:40PM. I'm going to be going to dance class in Bellevue whenever possible until the Indigo get here at the end of November and I'm applying to Smokey Bones for a server position for evenings after class so I will most likely be working from 6PM - close which could be from Midnight -2AM only to go open at Greentree at 4:20AM. I won't have time to create problems, hide my emotions, I won't have time to dwell or think.
I don't want to think. I don't want to. I don't want. I don't.
I did get to go to Soergel's with my dad today which we've done for years now and I never want it to change. I honestly don't know what I will do the first year that we don't go pumpkin picking followed by grabbing a gallon of fresh apple cider at Soergel's Orchards. I found two amazing pumpkins: One really long fat pumpkin that hopefully houses hundreds of pumpkin seeds for Erin and one mostly green pumpkin with an orange 'full moon' on the back side. I just felt bad for all of the green pumpkins left in the pumpkin patch and they all looked so amazing and had such great shape that I couldn't leave it although I really don't know what to expect when I set out to carve it in a week or so. I'm thinking Beetlejuice this year for my pumpkin.
Afterwards Erin picked me up with the aid of Shawn who was home for the weekend (left tonight for college) and we headed off to Shawn's house to simply hang out since I haven't really seen Shawn since he left for college. We spent a good 2 hours or so together before the Broncos/Patriots game ended after Overtime and Shawn had to go home. I honestly don't think I've hugged someone so many times in a short period of time since Paul and I broke up how many years ago. The only thing keeping me up from Shawn leaving is the fact that he will be back for a long 5 day weekend in 5 days.
After an awkward and sickening trip to Mad Mex with Erin (We had been craving good Mexican fajitas for weeks and had our hearts set on Mad Mex) where Dallas, Jessie, and Jon showed up just turning the whole night around. I find myself sitting here just printing out my homework that's due tomorrow at 9am for my Journalistic skills class. I'm listening to Rise Against, every acoustic song I can get my hands on, drinking a diet cherry Pepsi, chatting with Shawn, and contemplating downing another two Excedrine. I've been getting these horrendous headaches almost every day now and they make me almost physically sick, but that's only a recent development.
I've just been feeling very lost and confused lately, well I can't really call it lately since it's been going on for over a month or two now. I don't know if I'm coming or I'm going or what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I don't know what people are doing, why they're doing what they're doing, or why people are saying what they are. I don't know if I can trust people, but I want to trust them and yet I feel like there is no where I can turn. I feel like every one is telling me to do something and they're all telling me something different and my brain cannot make heads or tails of it all. I have just been wanting to disappear lately and not see anyone and yet I want to see everyone. I want to do everything. I want to go out to California, I want to be a famous bellydancer/performer, I want to be in Cirque du Soleil, I want to be on the Pens Patrol, I want to sit down and have a long conversation with Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Bill Guerin, I want to go to Vegas for a few nights and I'm sorry if it all sounds childish. But it's thoughts like those that help me get through knowing that I have something to work towards and attempt to accomplish. Granted, once I come to the realization that none of the above will ever happen I will be utterly devastated, until then I can have some sliver hope to escape this sad excuse for reality.
I don't know, maybe I'm overstressed, over-exhausted, spread too thin, and overthinking everything, but I seriously think I'm on the verge of losing it. I know what I'm going to go and do and that's run, hide everything that's wrong and try to not show any hint of sadness. I already work opening at Greentree starting at 4:30am right up until I go to class either at 9AM (Mon, Weds) or 11AM (Tues, Thurs) and then class ranging from 12:40PM -5:40PM. I'm going to be going to dance class in Bellevue whenever possible until the Indigo get here at the end of November and I'm applying to Smokey Bones for a server position for evenings after class so I will most likely be working from 6PM - close which could be from Midnight -2AM only to go open at Greentree at 4:20AM. I won't have time to create problems, hide my emotions, I won't have time to dwell or think.
I don't want to think. I don't want to. I don't want. I don't.