Laying in a bed after work
So I come home strip down, lay my scrub pants out, use the bathroom, wind down a little and then get comfy in bed with this lil technical basturd.
Devon rubbed my head/hair sleepily but I tried my best not to move away. I don't mean to, I'm not like disgusted or anything... I don't know. I just don't trust her, I may never trust her again. Its due to that mainly that I don't see myself getting back with her, even if she does completely change her life around.
I'm doing what's best for me. I know she can't hurt me as a friend. I don't feel a pull to her anymore. I'm rethinking and reviewing why we fell in love, what kept us together, all that jazz. I know she will be open and honest if not brutally so. I appreciate her for that, she knows how to make an impact. And although through our lives together she has lied to me multiple times save for the excuse she makes that since she does come clean later, be it a few hours or a few days up to a few years... she always tells me the truth in the end. I don't feel special around her, not like I used to. I know I'm not celebrity hot... I'm not eating disorder hot.. I'm attractive in the sense I'm a real man. I am tough and strong but I am a massive teddy bear and love to do sweet things and go above and beyond for those that I love and bring them the world pretty much. I'm a protector and a know it all due to my over prepared nature. I can do super human things at times, stupid/silly or not, like weighing out 3 cups to contain the same number of coins just based of my ability to switch the coins out and hold the cups up in the air all based on weight. I did that at chuck e cheese and even guessed the number of coins.. 92 92 and the middle one felt lighter so 90. and it was.
I don't pay it any mind until its brought up to me through someone's reactions.. so i'm ordinary and don't remember all the random oddball out of the norm things I've done over the years.
I seriously miss her. Taylor that is ahahaa. And it isn't a pining over a lover kind of thing. I just miss her company. I wish we all lived together. Everyone always acts like you have to walk on eggshells to talk to Taylor... but its like if you go into it all as she is Taylor I want to know her because I don't, it doesn't suck. I want to go putt putt, bowling, pool, swimming, walk the beaches, a beach day, I want to fly her up to New Hampshire during the Fall... I don't know it just came to me. Gut feeling tells me she'd be a perfect traveling partner. And honestly I'm believing it.
Now I sit here and I hear Devon's sleepy sigh. I want it known to everyone. I'm not giving up on her. Based on what has been presented to me, we are parents who can coincide and work together but not love each other to the degree needed for a husband and wife scenario. I acknowledge that one day waaaay down the road we might very well see that we are good for each other and love each other mutually yadda yadda... or we might crash n burn and become only parents who need space and can't be around each other, but I honestly don't feel that last one ever happening.
For 7 years I've wanted Devon to be able to live with herself and be happy with herself.. I guess better late than never. Only took some insanely harsh methods to destroy it all to make her see she has to build it back up.
I don't have much to say about her right now, even though I wish I did... she is just a different person... or more so you can see the change at times and that means she herself doesn't even know who she is at times.
She started playing WoW.. and yes I know its corny and nerdy.. but it will help her achieve patience and multitasking.. reducing how stress affects her as well as increase how much stress we undergo in situations... etc.
I'm just in the mode of caution, most of all that's happened has happened as a bad or a good thing. I like This unknowing.
I love her, I always will have a massive part of me "belong" to her. I'm glad I''ve known her for as long as I have and inevitably will know her until she herself is only known from the whispers of time.
I can't wait to meet her after she has found herself and see if that version of her sees me and loves me for me. I want someone to love me and it not be complicated. I want to know someone loves me, is and can be attracted to me, laughs with me rather than at or whatever... I want to feel for someone under the same guidelines that they themselves love me as much as I love them.
I seriously think I'll work on hugging her more. I will hug Taylor when we part ways. I used to love hugs. I say her specifically because I don't with her. As wonderful as she is to me I am incredibly reserved at my physical expression toward her. I'm afraid to drive her away. Its incredibly dumb I know. How do you turn someone away by hugging them good bye when they leave or when they first come over to visit? I loved always trying to leave people with a small moment to remember every time I parted ways or greeted with anyone. I believe that is what I'll be focusing on regaining, my confidence to hug without reason or restraint. We shall see where I go from there.
Devon rubbed my head/hair sleepily but I tried my best not to move away. I don't mean to, I'm not like disgusted or anything... I don't know. I just don't trust her, I may never trust her again. Its due to that mainly that I don't see myself getting back with her, even if she does completely change her life around.
I'm doing what's best for me. I know she can't hurt me as a friend. I don't feel a pull to her anymore. I'm rethinking and reviewing why we fell in love, what kept us together, all that jazz. I know she will be open and honest if not brutally so. I appreciate her for that, she knows how to make an impact. And although through our lives together she has lied to me multiple times save for the excuse she makes that since she does come clean later, be it a few hours or a few days up to a few years... she always tells me the truth in the end. I don't feel special around her, not like I used to. I know I'm not celebrity hot... I'm not eating disorder hot.. I'm attractive in the sense I'm a real man. I am tough and strong but I am a massive teddy bear and love to do sweet things and go above and beyond for those that I love and bring them the world pretty much. I'm a protector and a know it all due to my over prepared nature. I can do super human things at times, stupid/silly or not, like weighing out 3 cups to contain the same number of coins just based of my ability to switch the coins out and hold the cups up in the air all based on weight. I did that at chuck e cheese and even guessed the number of coins.. 92 92 and the middle one felt lighter so 90. and it was.
I don't pay it any mind until its brought up to me through someone's reactions.. so i'm ordinary and don't remember all the random oddball out of the norm things I've done over the years.
I seriously miss her. Taylor that is ahahaa. And it isn't a pining over a lover kind of thing. I just miss her company. I wish we all lived together. Everyone always acts like you have to walk on eggshells to talk to Taylor... but its like if you go into it all as she is Taylor I want to know her because I don't, it doesn't suck. I want to go putt putt, bowling, pool, swimming, walk the beaches, a beach day, I want to fly her up to New Hampshire during the Fall... I don't know it just came to me. Gut feeling tells me she'd be a perfect traveling partner. And honestly I'm believing it.
Now I sit here and I hear Devon's sleepy sigh. I want it known to everyone. I'm not giving up on her. Based on what has been presented to me, we are parents who can coincide and work together but not love each other to the degree needed for a husband and wife scenario. I acknowledge that one day waaaay down the road we might very well see that we are good for each other and love each other mutually yadda yadda... or we might crash n burn and become only parents who need space and can't be around each other, but I honestly don't feel that last one ever happening.
For 7 years I've wanted Devon to be able to live with herself and be happy with herself.. I guess better late than never. Only took some insanely harsh methods to destroy it all to make her see she has to build it back up.
I don't have much to say about her right now, even though I wish I did... she is just a different person... or more so you can see the change at times and that means she herself doesn't even know who she is at times.
She started playing WoW.. and yes I know its corny and nerdy.. but it will help her achieve patience and multitasking.. reducing how stress affects her as well as increase how much stress we undergo in situations... etc.
I'm just in the mode of caution, most of all that's happened has happened as a bad or a good thing. I like This unknowing.
I love her, I always will have a massive part of me "belong" to her. I'm glad I''ve known her for as long as I have and inevitably will know her until she herself is only known from the whispers of time.
I can't wait to meet her after she has found herself and see if that version of her sees me and loves me for me. I want someone to love me and it not be complicated. I want to know someone loves me, is and can be attracted to me, laughs with me rather than at or whatever... I want to feel for someone under the same guidelines that they themselves love me as much as I love them.
I seriously think I'll work on hugging her more. I will hug Taylor when we part ways. I used to love hugs. I say her specifically because I don't with her. As wonderful as she is to me I am incredibly reserved at my physical expression toward her. I'm afraid to drive her away. Its incredibly dumb I know. How do you turn someone away by hugging them good bye when they leave or when they first come over to visit? I loved always trying to leave people with a small moment to remember every time I parted ways or greeted with anyone. I believe that is what I'll be focusing on regaining, my confidence to hug without reason or restraint. We shall see where I go from there.