Sadly unchanging
All talk and no progress.. I really wish it wasn't starting all over again but it is. She got comfortable again and is already going down the same path again. Not using or anything but without a change of lifestyle or outlook or something she's eventually going to go down or walk close to that path again.
I get lectured because I take out a cash advance attempt to be a good birthday host. I made multiple offers for our shopping outing and a dinner just she and I. Every time however it is avoided or rejected, and not intentionally by her either.. its just she subconsciously or whatever is shutting me out again and only wants to see me in a negative light so she can pretty much force herself back into that lifestyle again. Its not healthy. And the saddest part is unless you live with her 24/7 and actually pay attention... you'll never see it until she has a final stage episode.
I hate this, I honestly hate that she has outright said to me she has no idea how to change and needs someone to keep her in line and help give her that push. That I'm so good, or she is so grateful for what I've put myself thru just to try and help her. Or that I'm the only one who actually knows her... its like great she admits everyone else is totally oblivious to her actions and methods of self destruction and that no one else can help her get out of it.. I haven't been hostile or anything.. but every time she hears something she doesn't like or that she might want to think about other options she shuts off, becomes defensive and then just goes on the attack and generates a mentally hostile environment where the only outcome is negative feedback. And then puts on a show for everyone else so she is still in a warm nest of denial and they see only what she sets up for them. Smoke n mirrors.
She's making a breeding ground for her bad coping skills again. I just feel bad for her at this point because this isn't fair to anyone. I deserve a friend and co-parent who is going to work with me in raising our daughter not walk off in a huff and take her from me to a family event without me and make statements like well you know where it is.
Who would without being selfish or stubborn go into that? I refuse to expose my daughter to the hostility Devon generates using her pampered kid coping skills. When she doesn't like what she hears or feels vunerable or doesn't get what she wants her way, she shuts off and gets defensive and pushes you away. I don't want Dresden learning that crap.
I want a healthy life for us all.. and its so sad to have 2 lives right now. I know happiness and I know inward self destruction. As long as you do what she wants and live how she wants you can have a happy life. Constantly walking on eggshells. I wake up we talk very friendly in fact, little short comments thrown in here and there.. and then one suggestion about her idea of taking a vacation right now with her birthday money and she flips on me. Its not fair. I had every right to enjoy my daughters first big family event. How can I now if I just show up and there's a hostile sour woman avoiding me, what family are we? So fucked up. I just want to be in something healthy for once.
I embrace my time with others sure but they don't help the hole in my chest emptied out by the lack of family closeness.. I don't want to settle for tainted moments, this is the best yer gonna get kinda shit.
Ya she's away from me right now and she can enjoy her time with our daughter or I could have taken her and enjoyed time with our daughter. The whole idea is that we enjoy time with our daughter as a family. She won't talk to me, even if I just want to apologize for whatever it was that set her off and just calm the situation down enough we could actually go and enjoy the rest of the day together. I was trying to do that before she just rushed out and left. Because if we did calm the situation down, its always the same thing she has to face herself, she has to admit to herself this didn't have to be this way if she just didn't overreact all the time. Its so dumb how easily this can be fixed but she has to refuse any proof she might not be better than she thinks she is. She's so engulfed in the idea of getting better and not knowing exactly how to go about it that she pretty much just lives like she is massively changed and down a good path. Great so she isn't hawkin' pills down left n right to not feel or think... that doesn't mean the things that brought her to those last ditch efforts went away. This is November all over again.
I get lectured because I take out a cash advance attempt to be a good birthday host. I made multiple offers for our shopping outing and a dinner just she and I. Every time however it is avoided or rejected, and not intentionally by her either.. its just she subconsciously or whatever is shutting me out again and only wants to see me in a negative light so she can pretty much force herself back into that lifestyle again. Its not healthy. And the saddest part is unless you live with her 24/7 and actually pay attention... you'll never see it until she has a final stage episode.
I hate this, I honestly hate that she has outright said to me she has no idea how to change and needs someone to keep her in line and help give her that push. That I'm so good, or she is so grateful for what I've put myself thru just to try and help her. Or that I'm the only one who actually knows her... its like great she admits everyone else is totally oblivious to her actions and methods of self destruction and that no one else can help her get out of it.. I haven't been hostile or anything.. but every time she hears something she doesn't like or that she might want to think about other options she shuts off, becomes defensive and then just goes on the attack and generates a mentally hostile environment where the only outcome is negative feedback. And then puts on a show for everyone else so she is still in a warm nest of denial and they see only what she sets up for them. Smoke n mirrors.
She's making a breeding ground for her bad coping skills again. I just feel bad for her at this point because this isn't fair to anyone. I deserve a friend and co-parent who is going to work with me in raising our daughter not walk off in a huff and take her from me to a family event without me and make statements like well you know where it is.
Who would without being selfish or stubborn go into that? I refuse to expose my daughter to the hostility Devon generates using her pampered kid coping skills. When she doesn't like what she hears or feels vunerable or doesn't get what she wants her way, she shuts off and gets defensive and pushes you away. I don't want Dresden learning that crap.
I want a healthy life for us all.. and its so sad to have 2 lives right now. I know happiness and I know inward self destruction. As long as you do what she wants and live how she wants you can have a happy life. Constantly walking on eggshells. I wake up we talk very friendly in fact, little short comments thrown in here and there.. and then one suggestion about her idea of taking a vacation right now with her birthday money and she flips on me. Its not fair. I had every right to enjoy my daughters first big family event. How can I now if I just show up and there's a hostile sour woman avoiding me, what family are we? So fucked up. I just want to be in something healthy for once.
I embrace my time with others sure but they don't help the hole in my chest emptied out by the lack of family closeness.. I don't want to settle for tainted moments, this is the best yer gonna get kinda shit.
Ya she's away from me right now and she can enjoy her time with our daughter or I could have taken her and enjoyed time with our daughter. The whole idea is that we enjoy time with our daughter as a family. She won't talk to me, even if I just want to apologize for whatever it was that set her off and just calm the situation down enough we could actually go and enjoy the rest of the day together. I was trying to do that before she just rushed out and left. Because if we did calm the situation down, its always the same thing she has to face herself, she has to admit to herself this didn't have to be this way if she just didn't overreact all the time. Its so dumb how easily this can be fixed but she has to refuse any proof she might not be better than she thinks she is. She's so engulfed in the idea of getting better and not knowing exactly how to go about it that she pretty much just lives like she is massively changed and down a good path. Great so she isn't hawkin' pills down left n right to not feel or think... that doesn't mean the things that brought her to those last ditch efforts went away. This is November all over again.