Musings.
I've scanned the tomes of broken promises and scattered dreams. I've scrolled down pages of progression, regression, obsession, and pain. I need a means to be selfish. I deserve so much more than what I've fallen victim to. Trapped by my own purity of selfless unconditional caring. I keep getting myself stuck in these situations over the years. I take on the impossible, give it a glimmer of hope and then when I try to let people take up their own mantle of responsibility... they almost always disappoint.
I don't get it, I'm not even beginning to try to unravel the completely fucked up dysfunctionaly self destructive mind I've had the misfortune to be exposed to recently... But I will say this much, if I am being tested, there better be one hell of a pay off in the end cuz this shit is starting to wear me down. But what I don't get... is over the years, I've been an adviser, a wise old soul in a young body. I give out guidance in the healthiest way possible, and more often than not people ask for the help but never want to accept that things aren't easy, and the easiest way to get better is hard. If one thing isn't working you literally do the opposite. if you are comfortable in a self destructive lifestyle but want to change for the better in the long run because sometimes you have a moment of desperate sanity... you will have to endure discomfort as you relearn how to live happy. I guess I'm waaaay smarter than I credit myself, or my comprehension must be well above noteworthy... its just, I'm 26 and so far the more exposure people have to all I've seen and been through, the more they just don't understand how the hell I'm still standing in one piece or even as sane as I am. But in actuality it makes perfect sense, at least to me. If one endures and overcomes obstacles shouldn't the experience gained better the person based off their perception of things being that of a learning experience. At the end of an event recap break it down, understand it from all angles, and chock it up to another situation to branch off from in times of similar situations?
I just don't get it. Am I one of the greats? The potential Leaders vs followers or what have you? Is that my problem? I'm settling, sinking further away from my own true endeavors simply because I try to fit in, and my only exposure is to self destructive teen angst ridden drug addicts with sexual image issues and disorders? I read back on these entries and I begin to see myself as my own help case. I had potential... alot of it infact. I'm forced to live in a fashion unfit for what I could have been solely due to my inability to be selfish and focus on myself and bettering myself without paying attention to the needs of others before my own.
But at that same point... which is better? I know in the long run taking the verbal breakdowns, the mental abuse, the psychologically trying times, will eventually lead way to a healthier person who in turn may one day repay the debt simply by exposing me to her newly found happiness. The reward of knowing you've helped someone is amazing. We are tiny specks in life and nothing we do will ever really amount to a hill of beans at some point or another. Nothing lasts forever. But if we are the embodiment of our history and the pathway to our future.. then each person we affect is our own personal legacy in their own way.
I can't begin to understand how simple a transition this is. I have been wronged to the highest extreme. I have a useless cousin who shows no respect or restraint either toward me or his family, in his sexually debauched escapades. Using our families bedrooms and furniture to his whims to force his influence on an already fragile minded mentally unstable addict causing her turmoil and further dragging her into a void of unimaginably twisted self destruction. Pampered by his family almost to the degree of a victim in the whole ordeal whilst my reactions are deemed that of a delusional husband. I don't deem either one better than the other.. however his exposure to traumatic events and abuse are no more an excuse than her own trial and error past. they both should have identified an issue and stopped and even still the fact that either one of them still pines over the other regardless of who it is... its just sick and sad. Whereas in actuality I expose people's flaws and dysfunctions so as to allow them the very means to overcome those disabling weights and better themselves for a longer life of unmitigated happiness versus cheap thrills followed by darkened shame and regret to be masked by more extreme acts to continue a downward cycle.
My "wife" unfortunately has dragged herself to all new lows and tainted the very sanctity that was her progression from dysfunction and disorder. In the past I addressed I would have to endure alot of neglect and abuse during her realization and rebuilding phase.... 7 years of hardwork, hardships and teamwork... keeping myself in check for a longterm reward of her freedom from self destruction and her eventual exposure to being able to enjoy and experience real happiness without strings attached or a looming depression in its wake. I understand even now, this is a spike. Over 11 years worth of childhood coping skills developed in dysfunction... I know the road to progression is that of bumps n dips.. but these last 2 years have proven cavernous.
I've neglected myself. I should be miles past all this crap being expressive, embracing fatherhood with someone who wants to be a proper mother to her children. I know she claims to love Dresden and wouldn't/hasn't done anything to harm her or endanger her... but if she would simply drop her defenses and look back on all the damage her parents actions had on her... she'd know the last 2 years don't just stop at those 2 years. She has damaged her daughter's future. And currently I battle the fact that my choices and my sacrifices either increase tenfold and I take on more than I should rightly have to endure for the sake of someone who has never taken responsibility for her actions and just drags herself into destruction waiting for someone to clean up the mess. Or do I sever the ties and for once in my life acquire a time of selfishness and find someone I deserve no strings attached, or certainly as little strings as possible. Our daughter deserves a good life, and I would never willingly expose her to the kind of mental sickness my wife and cousin have forced her into. She has ears, she has eyes.... though she may not have been victim to witness the sexual acts, she has heard them or certainly seen the traumatic effect is has played on our families bonds.
If she loved her daughter she would not subject her to wicked acts and thoughtless actions. Drugging up to hide from the pain of reality, the consequences of her twisted sickness.. our daughter deserves an untainted healthy mother who can devote all her time to her and her family, not subject herself to being sexually used and mask it all under the false and forced momentary euphoria of a handful of tiny red pills. She hates me when I bring it up... but in reality she just hates having to face the facts that my break down of the situation is in fact, fact. Living for the moment might work for a teenager but in the role of a parent everything we do affects our children's lives and how they will inevitably handle the stresses put on it.
I want to fast forward to the happy family who has overcome all the hardships and both parents are stable and together... but the more I am exposed to the more I see it was a waste of time. The pay off isn't so great. My daughter is... Dresden is wonderful.. and I can't imagine her having to face anything in life with coping skills given by her mother.
But I don't deserve this rotted husk of a woman. She has used herself and let herself be used. Made an example of in life of all the wrong decisions and what never to do. I see a glint from time to time of the scared adventurous strong willed chick I met years ago.. and how determined she was to make a better life for herself... get out of the dysfunctional house, get better, be better, be the best for her enduring lover and best friend... to one day marry, to have children, to have our home... and when we began to achieve it, she immediately began to destroy it all and shred it to tatters.
I don't know if I should put myself thru all this hardship again to rebuild her again... when she herself has fallen so far by her own force. Her eating disorders, drug addiction, sexual dysfunction, confidence based on unhealthy ideals of image... it just doesn't stop. I can understand a small issue here or there... but in less than a year she severed and brainwashed herself from the strongest force she had in regaining her life from this crap. I accept my role and how I have to take the blunt force of it all to endure a long road of struggle... yea... but why?
I'm pretty sure she is rubbing off on me. I've been broken and brought down because I made the choice to love. I opened my doors and dropped my defenses and given her the code to each lock. I allowed myself to fall prey to her darkness and it in turn has warped me too in some ways.
I address who I was and according to my path who I could have been. I am blessed that she has given me such a wonderful daughter... but sadly without her acknowledgement most of her progress is solely due to my design. I work with her and am attentive to her needs regardless of just having fun. taking her to a playground is well n good, feeding her a meal... there is alot of psychological observation and reflective actions needed to raise her. And honestly she needs 2 parents not one taking on both roles. Or one taking the reigns and the other falling on the sidelines claiming stability enough to see her and help raise her when her own influence will in turn condemn her to mimic the same sickness that destroyed her mother in the first place. I am not female... I can not be her role model... she will mimic her mother and look to her as a guideline, like all others before us. She will be attracted to a man who is much like her father because she will be taught that is what a good choice in men is. Subconsciously or not, that is how its worked for generations. I have to make sure I am stable enough to set a good example but her female influence must be as well or she will be a mess and unable to experience the life she should have.
All thoughts, tiny musings and heavy burdens I've been reviewing constantly so as to not make a rash decision or a hasty mistake.. But lately... I'm leaning toward a life of sacrifice and hardship, only this time I will be doing it alone to help someone much much much smaller and younger and more helplessly unaware than her mother. I hope within the month while I secure a healthy household for our daughter I am presented with a new light, some sign of progress enough to win me back, renew my faith in this sadly more recently observed woman I deem a Lost Cause.
I don't get it, I'm not even beginning to try to unravel the completely fucked up dysfunctionaly self destructive mind I've had the misfortune to be exposed to recently... But I will say this much, if I am being tested, there better be one hell of a pay off in the end cuz this shit is starting to wear me down. But what I don't get... is over the years, I've been an adviser, a wise old soul in a young body. I give out guidance in the healthiest way possible, and more often than not people ask for the help but never want to accept that things aren't easy, and the easiest way to get better is hard. If one thing isn't working you literally do the opposite. if you are comfortable in a self destructive lifestyle but want to change for the better in the long run because sometimes you have a moment of desperate sanity... you will have to endure discomfort as you relearn how to live happy. I guess I'm waaaay smarter than I credit myself, or my comprehension must be well above noteworthy... its just, I'm 26 and so far the more exposure people have to all I've seen and been through, the more they just don't understand how the hell I'm still standing in one piece or even as sane as I am. But in actuality it makes perfect sense, at least to me. If one endures and overcomes obstacles shouldn't the experience gained better the person based off their perception of things being that of a learning experience. At the end of an event recap break it down, understand it from all angles, and chock it up to another situation to branch off from in times of similar situations?
I just don't get it. Am I one of the greats? The potential Leaders vs followers or what have you? Is that my problem? I'm settling, sinking further away from my own true endeavors simply because I try to fit in, and my only exposure is to self destructive teen angst ridden drug addicts with sexual image issues and disorders? I read back on these entries and I begin to see myself as my own help case. I had potential... alot of it infact. I'm forced to live in a fashion unfit for what I could have been solely due to my inability to be selfish and focus on myself and bettering myself without paying attention to the needs of others before my own.
But at that same point... which is better? I know in the long run taking the verbal breakdowns, the mental abuse, the psychologically trying times, will eventually lead way to a healthier person who in turn may one day repay the debt simply by exposing me to her newly found happiness. The reward of knowing you've helped someone is amazing. We are tiny specks in life and nothing we do will ever really amount to a hill of beans at some point or another. Nothing lasts forever. But if we are the embodiment of our history and the pathway to our future.. then each person we affect is our own personal legacy in their own way.
I can't begin to understand how simple a transition this is. I have been wronged to the highest extreme. I have a useless cousin who shows no respect or restraint either toward me or his family, in his sexually debauched escapades. Using our families bedrooms and furniture to his whims to force his influence on an already fragile minded mentally unstable addict causing her turmoil and further dragging her into a void of unimaginably twisted self destruction. Pampered by his family almost to the degree of a victim in the whole ordeal whilst my reactions are deemed that of a delusional husband. I don't deem either one better than the other.. however his exposure to traumatic events and abuse are no more an excuse than her own trial and error past. they both should have identified an issue and stopped and even still the fact that either one of them still pines over the other regardless of who it is... its just sick and sad. Whereas in actuality I expose people's flaws and dysfunctions so as to allow them the very means to overcome those disabling weights and better themselves for a longer life of unmitigated happiness versus cheap thrills followed by darkened shame and regret to be masked by more extreme acts to continue a downward cycle.
My "wife" unfortunately has dragged herself to all new lows and tainted the very sanctity that was her progression from dysfunction and disorder. In the past I addressed I would have to endure alot of neglect and abuse during her realization and rebuilding phase.... 7 years of hardwork, hardships and teamwork... keeping myself in check for a longterm reward of her freedom from self destruction and her eventual exposure to being able to enjoy and experience real happiness without strings attached or a looming depression in its wake. I understand even now, this is a spike. Over 11 years worth of childhood coping skills developed in dysfunction... I know the road to progression is that of bumps n dips.. but these last 2 years have proven cavernous.
I've neglected myself. I should be miles past all this crap being expressive, embracing fatherhood with someone who wants to be a proper mother to her children. I know she claims to love Dresden and wouldn't/hasn't done anything to harm her or endanger her... but if she would simply drop her defenses and look back on all the damage her parents actions had on her... she'd know the last 2 years don't just stop at those 2 years. She has damaged her daughter's future. And currently I battle the fact that my choices and my sacrifices either increase tenfold and I take on more than I should rightly have to endure for the sake of someone who has never taken responsibility for her actions and just drags herself into destruction waiting for someone to clean up the mess. Or do I sever the ties and for once in my life acquire a time of selfishness and find someone I deserve no strings attached, or certainly as little strings as possible. Our daughter deserves a good life, and I would never willingly expose her to the kind of mental sickness my wife and cousin have forced her into. She has ears, she has eyes.... though she may not have been victim to witness the sexual acts, she has heard them or certainly seen the traumatic effect is has played on our families bonds.
If she loved her daughter she would not subject her to wicked acts and thoughtless actions. Drugging up to hide from the pain of reality, the consequences of her twisted sickness.. our daughter deserves an untainted healthy mother who can devote all her time to her and her family, not subject herself to being sexually used and mask it all under the false and forced momentary euphoria of a handful of tiny red pills. She hates me when I bring it up... but in reality she just hates having to face the facts that my break down of the situation is in fact, fact. Living for the moment might work for a teenager but in the role of a parent everything we do affects our children's lives and how they will inevitably handle the stresses put on it.
I want to fast forward to the happy family who has overcome all the hardships and both parents are stable and together... but the more I am exposed to the more I see it was a waste of time. The pay off isn't so great. My daughter is... Dresden is wonderful.. and I can't imagine her having to face anything in life with coping skills given by her mother.
But I don't deserve this rotted husk of a woman. She has used herself and let herself be used. Made an example of in life of all the wrong decisions and what never to do. I see a glint from time to time of the scared adventurous strong willed chick I met years ago.. and how determined she was to make a better life for herself... get out of the dysfunctional house, get better, be better, be the best for her enduring lover and best friend... to one day marry, to have children, to have our home... and when we began to achieve it, she immediately began to destroy it all and shred it to tatters.
I don't know if I should put myself thru all this hardship again to rebuild her again... when she herself has fallen so far by her own force. Her eating disorders, drug addiction, sexual dysfunction, confidence based on unhealthy ideals of image... it just doesn't stop. I can understand a small issue here or there... but in less than a year she severed and brainwashed herself from the strongest force she had in regaining her life from this crap. I accept my role and how I have to take the blunt force of it all to endure a long road of struggle... yea... but why?
I'm pretty sure she is rubbing off on me. I've been broken and brought down because I made the choice to love. I opened my doors and dropped my defenses and given her the code to each lock. I allowed myself to fall prey to her darkness and it in turn has warped me too in some ways.
I address who I was and according to my path who I could have been. I am blessed that she has given me such a wonderful daughter... but sadly without her acknowledgement most of her progress is solely due to my design. I work with her and am attentive to her needs regardless of just having fun. taking her to a playground is well n good, feeding her a meal... there is alot of psychological observation and reflective actions needed to raise her. And honestly she needs 2 parents not one taking on both roles. Or one taking the reigns and the other falling on the sidelines claiming stability enough to see her and help raise her when her own influence will in turn condemn her to mimic the same sickness that destroyed her mother in the first place. I am not female... I can not be her role model... she will mimic her mother and look to her as a guideline, like all others before us. She will be attracted to a man who is much like her father because she will be taught that is what a good choice in men is. Subconsciously or not, that is how its worked for generations. I have to make sure I am stable enough to set a good example but her female influence must be as well or she will be a mess and unable to experience the life she should have.
All thoughts, tiny musings and heavy burdens I've been reviewing constantly so as to not make a rash decision or a hasty mistake.. But lately... I'm leaning toward a life of sacrifice and hardship, only this time I will be doing it alone to help someone much much much smaller and younger and more helplessly unaware than her mother. I hope within the month while I secure a healthy household for our daughter I am presented with a new light, some sign of progress enough to win me back, renew my faith in this sadly more recently observed woman I deem a Lost Cause.