(no subject)
Fuck you.
I don't know what this is. I don't know why it is now.
I don't need this. Not now. Not ever again, really.
But, if I'm to be completely raw-and-bleeding honest with you, there is a part of me that still wants it. That misses it. There was, occasionally, something there that I still want so badly it hurts. And a part of me misses the reasons to be upset. Part of me misses having an excuse for being a mess.
I feel like your animal. Hunted, run down, shot and bleeding. I can't move, can't breathe, can't call out for help. There is a line you cut, with words and deeds and steely eyes and a selfish heart, from neck to chest to belly to groin, splitting my chest, leaving me exposed, vulnerable, cold. But your fingers were gentle, pulling my skin from my flesh, your caresses soft. Gut from the inside. There is something in me that is content, laying there, you kneeling next to me, feeling your warmth. Dreaming of you in that restless sleep. Seeing into you with lifeless eyes. But I know, in the end, you will use me to the marrow. Chew me up and spit me out. Suck the blood from my meat, use my bones as fodder, and throw me aside when you're through.
So I stand, frozen, waiting to see if you will pull the trigger, and if I will be smart enough to run.
I don't know what this is. I don't know why it is now.
I don't need this. Not now. Not ever again, really.
But, if I'm to be completely raw-and-bleeding honest with you, there is a part of me that still wants it. That misses it. There was, occasionally, something there that I still want so badly it hurts. And a part of me misses the reasons to be upset. Part of me misses having an excuse for being a mess.
I feel like your animal. Hunted, run down, shot and bleeding. I can't move, can't breathe, can't call out for help. There is a line you cut, with words and deeds and steely eyes and a selfish heart, from neck to chest to belly to groin, splitting my chest, leaving me exposed, vulnerable, cold. But your fingers were gentle, pulling my skin from my flesh, your caresses soft. Gut from the inside. There is something in me that is content, laying there, you kneeling next to me, feeling your warmth. Dreaming of you in that restless sleep. Seeing into you with lifeless eyes. But I know, in the end, you will use me to the marrow. Chew me up and spit me out. Suck the blood from my meat, use my bones as fodder, and throw me aside when you're through.
So I stand, frozen, waiting to see if you will pull the trigger, and if I will be smart enough to run.