Anniversary
This is how things go:
...I work myself up over something insufficient until it becomes major...
...then I end up feeling worse than when I started...
I don't want things to go like that but it seems that some habits are harder to break than others. I thing I jinx things. I'm not superstitious but one can't help but wonder if there is some vedetta that the universe has against me in some things. I think I just think about things to much. That's the price I pay I guess.
So a while back I was brutally informed of an issue I have. It became all to real to me when I experienced my first panic attack. I was a control FREAK! I may be the most mellow person one might ever meet, however when I felt the loss of control, the loss of my control over a situation I broke down. It mostly occured when there was a situation that I felt I needed to know the answer to. I couldn't seem to take an ambiguous guess. I needed to know about the future. My life sometimes seemed eternally being lived in the future. I needed to know where I would be down the road. Sometimes the phrase "Stop and Smell the Roses", kicked me in the face, hard. I'm sure that people who I know now that have met me within the last two years would find this hard to believe. Now sometimes it seems I care too much about the present! I tend to spontaneously make decisions completely disregarding the future outcome. Hey, I guess it just means I need a little balance in my life right? Shouldn't be too hard, I AM a Libra!
The cure? Living literally on a beach 10,000 miles away from where I sit right now. The weather? Completely opposite of the weather out right now, cockatoos in my front yard, a tea tree lake in the back, a Pacific ocean to the right. I can't believe it's been 2 years ago today when I first laid eyes on the paradise that was to become my home for the next 3 months. I would give anything to go back. Have you ever felt homesick for a place that only lives in a dream?
Sometimes, I feel like I left the best part of me there, waiting to be reclaimed buried among the sand on 7 Mile Beach. I don't live in the past, I never have. However, it is so damn hard to let go of something that shaped a major part of who I am right now. It it so hard to explain to someone what feeling and what emotions I have connected to that place, if they did not experience it for themselves. Actually, I wouldn't even want to try. No one would get it and basically it would make me homesick all over again.
Sometimes I wonder though what it is that I miss. Do I miss the place or do I miss the experience? I'm sure it's the latter. Would I be sadly disappointed if I do get to go back and it just was not the same? It definitely is true about it's not where you are but who you are with that matters.
Somehow though, I question that. Had I been put in the same situation with the same group of people in another place would it have affected me as much? I can't believe that it would have.
My aunt and uncle recently returned from a trip that they took with some retiree group. They did the obligatory touristy shit that everyone does when they go there. Ayer's Rock, Opera House, Darling Harbour, Cairns (which they butchered the pronunciation of, "KARNES" is how they said it...and at Christmas I was forced, despite protests, to watch a 3 hr slideshow of her representation of it. Granted I have been a tourist in a great many places and done the same stuff. I am not trying or wanting to demote her experience whatsoever, it's just that it would be like showing pictures of Indianapolis to an Indy native. They have a different take on it the scene since the grew up there. Same goes for me. I have a non-tourist take on Australia. I lived there. I was 100% immersed in their culture and could have probably passed for an Aussie by the time we left. It was painful, to say the least. I am happy for them, I love them but it was hard. Basically, it was like ripping a scab off of a sore that is 95% healed and opening up a bigger, fresher one.
It hurt,
I miss it so much.
I miss who I became there.
Anyway, enough of that. Time will, I know, make me less homesick. And I know that this time of year doesn't help at all to say the least. I have my memories and I know some day I will make it back there. Even if it is when I am 95 years old...it will happen.
So back to the initial statement. Once again, I can feel myself starting to waver back to my old habits. Basically it is just revolving around my 6 month future: about work about school about pretty much everything. Let me explain, I met this guy. Pretty much he's amazing but who knows what will work itself out. To me, he's exactly the type of guy that I would like to see myself with. (See? Wearing my heart on my sleeve again). Who knows what will happen. I know I have fun when I see him and when we are together so that should be all that matters right? Why do I need to know where (if at all) it is headed? Why can't I just let it go and enjoy it. A friend just recently told me to enjoy it, it happened. I guess I do get too caught up in the what-ifs I forget to just enjoy the moment. So I tried it with this new guy...screw whether or not anything is going to happen. I'm enjoying the time we have spent together so far and regardless of whether anything will happen in the future I know that I had a great time in the present! Seems easy enough right?
Also, another side note of pretty amazing things happening...I got promoted not once but TWICE at work! I've been there almost 2 months and pretty much they already love me. :) I was hired to serve but I was told tonight in a meeting that I was officially moved into the bar!! Yesssss...that's what I wanted. I took a new job to make MORE money than what I was making in Nashville, not the same, and finally I am doing it. This means I can seriously start saving so I can move out in August. But wait, isn't that a college degree laying on my bookshelf? What the hell is it good for? Basically I feel like I paid $40,000 so I can bartend. Not true, however, I do plan on going back. When? Who knows...I pretty much can't do anything concrete in my field without at least a Master's ...someday it'll happen...Right now though I'm pretty content with my current position in the universe. Sure there are some nagging questions on my mind but just like they always do, they will work themselves out.
...I work myself up over something insufficient until it becomes major...
...then I end up feeling worse than when I started...
I don't want things to go like that but it seems that some habits are harder to break than others. I thing I jinx things. I'm not superstitious but one can't help but wonder if there is some vedetta that the universe has against me in some things. I think I just think about things to much. That's the price I pay I guess.
So a while back I was brutally informed of an issue I have. It became all to real to me when I experienced my first panic attack. I was a control FREAK! I may be the most mellow person one might ever meet, however when I felt the loss of control, the loss of my control over a situation I broke down. It mostly occured when there was a situation that I felt I needed to know the answer to. I couldn't seem to take an ambiguous guess. I needed to know about the future. My life sometimes seemed eternally being lived in the future. I needed to know where I would be down the road. Sometimes the phrase "Stop and Smell the Roses", kicked me in the face, hard. I'm sure that people who I know now that have met me within the last two years would find this hard to believe. Now sometimes it seems I care too much about the present! I tend to spontaneously make decisions completely disregarding the future outcome. Hey, I guess it just means I need a little balance in my life right? Shouldn't be too hard, I AM a Libra!
The cure? Living literally on a beach 10,000 miles away from where I sit right now. The weather? Completely opposite of the weather out right now, cockatoos in my front yard, a tea tree lake in the back, a Pacific ocean to the right. I can't believe it's been 2 years ago today when I first laid eyes on the paradise that was to become my home for the next 3 months. I would give anything to go back. Have you ever felt homesick for a place that only lives in a dream?
Sometimes, I feel like I left the best part of me there, waiting to be reclaimed buried among the sand on 7 Mile Beach. I don't live in the past, I never have. However, it is so damn hard to let go of something that shaped a major part of who I am right now. It it so hard to explain to someone what feeling and what emotions I have connected to that place, if they did not experience it for themselves. Actually, I wouldn't even want to try. No one would get it and basically it would make me homesick all over again.
Sometimes I wonder though what it is that I miss. Do I miss the place or do I miss the experience? I'm sure it's the latter. Would I be sadly disappointed if I do get to go back and it just was not the same? It definitely is true about it's not where you are but who you are with that matters.
Somehow though, I question that. Had I been put in the same situation with the same group of people in another place would it have affected me as much? I can't believe that it would have.
My aunt and uncle recently returned from a trip that they took with some retiree group. They did the obligatory touristy shit that everyone does when they go there. Ayer's Rock, Opera House, Darling Harbour, Cairns (which they butchered the pronunciation of, "KARNES" is how they said it...and at Christmas I was forced, despite protests, to watch a 3 hr slideshow of her representation of it. Granted I have been a tourist in a great many places and done the same stuff. I am not trying or wanting to demote her experience whatsoever, it's just that it would be like showing pictures of Indianapolis to an Indy native. They have a different take on it the scene since the grew up there. Same goes for me. I have a non-tourist take on Australia. I lived there. I was 100% immersed in their culture and could have probably passed for an Aussie by the time we left. It was painful, to say the least. I am happy for them, I love them but it was hard. Basically, it was like ripping a scab off of a sore that is 95% healed and opening up a bigger, fresher one.
It hurt,
I miss it so much.
I miss who I became there.
Anyway, enough of that. Time will, I know, make me less homesick. And I know that this time of year doesn't help at all to say the least. I have my memories and I know some day I will make it back there. Even if it is when I am 95 years old...it will happen.
So back to the initial statement. Once again, I can feel myself starting to waver back to my old habits. Basically it is just revolving around my 6 month future: about work about school about pretty much everything. Let me explain, I met this guy. Pretty much he's amazing but who knows what will work itself out. To me, he's exactly the type of guy that I would like to see myself with. (See? Wearing my heart on my sleeve again). Who knows what will happen. I know I have fun when I see him and when we are together so that should be all that matters right? Why do I need to know where (if at all) it is headed? Why can't I just let it go and enjoy it. A friend just recently told me to enjoy it, it happened. I guess I do get too caught up in the what-ifs I forget to just enjoy the moment. So I tried it with this new guy...screw whether or not anything is going to happen. I'm enjoying the time we have spent together so far and regardless of whether anything will happen in the future I know that I had a great time in the present! Seems easy enough right?
Also, another side note of pretty amazing things happening...I got promoted not once but TWICE at work! I've been there almost 2 months and pretty much they already love me. :) I was hired to serve but I was told tonight in a meeting that I was officially moved into the bar!! Yesssss...that's what I wanted. I took a new job to make MORE money than what I was making in Nashville, not the same, and finally I am doing it. This means I can seriously start saving so I can move out in August. But wait, isn't that a college degree laying on my bookshelf? What the hell is it good for? Basically I feel like I paid $40,000 so I can bartend. Not true, however, I do plan on going back. When? Who knows...I pretty much can't do anything concrete in my field without at least a Master's ...someday it'll happen...Right now though I'm pretty content with my current position in the universe. Sure there are some nagging questions on my mind but just like they always do, they will work themselves out.