WTFic. Storytime with Mellow and Ainsi!
Sooo Ainsi (war_n_peace)and I were online far, far too late/early last night, and when that happens, things get a little... cracky. Well, last night/morning, this resulted in what may be the GREATEST CRACKFIC IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Or, you know, the weirdest. And let it be a demonstration of why Ainsi and I should NEVER BE LEFT UNATTENDED in a chat room EVER AGAIN.
ILU, fujikocookie! <3!
So, without further ado...
***
Title: WTFic
by rancidmelody and war_n_peace
Genre: Prince of Tennis/Harry Potter/EXTREME CRACK
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sanada/Yukimura
Notes: Comments in [these brackets] are out-of-story comments from Ainsi and myself that I couldn't bear to cut ^_^...
***
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A REALLY BADASS MIDDLE SCHOOLER THAT HAD A BITCHSLAP TO BE HELD IN THE HIGHEST HONOR THROUGHOUT THE AGES
HOWEVER, DESPITE THE POWER HIS MIGHTY HAND MAY HAVE HELD, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER RAISED IT AGAINST ANYONE WITHOUT VALID REASON
FORTUNATELY FOR HIM, THERE WAS ALMOST ALWAYS A REASON
WHETHER IT BE LOSING A MATCH, PICKING ON THE YOUNGER STUDENTS, OR GENERALLY BEING ANNOYING
AND AS SUCH, THERE WERE MANY ACROSS THE LAND WHO HAD FELT THE STING OF THIS INFAMOUS SLAP.
UNTIL ONE DAY HE MET SOMEONE THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING.
SOMEONE WHO NEVER LOST A MATCH.
SOMEONE WHO WAS FAIR TO ALL OF THE YOUNGER STUDENTS.
AND SOMEONE WHO MADE EVEN THE MOST STOIC OF BADASSES LOOK IRRITATING AND OBNOXIOUS IN COMPARSION
AND IT DID NOT HURT THAT HE WAS INDEED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE THAT OUR HERO HAD EVER SEEN.
FOR MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS, OUR HERO WAS DISTRAUGHT.
HIS AUTHORITY WAS NOTHING - EVERYTHING HE HAD COME TO KNOW IN HIS LIFE WAS MEANINGLESS
HE WAS WRACKED WITH EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR.
UNTIL ONE DAY, THIS PICTURE OF EARTHLY PERFECTION APPROACHED OUR HERO/EMPEROR WHILE HE WAS BROODING.
SO, PICTURE OF EARTHLY PERFECTION WALKS UP - NO, /GLIDES/. HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL THAT THE EARTH MOVES /FOR HIM/.
SO HE GLIDES UP TO OUR BADASS IN DISTRESS
BUT THE YOUNG EMPEROR IS IN SUCH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL THAT HE DOES NOT EVEN SEE THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURE UNTIL HE IS A WHOLE TEN FEET AWAY, BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN THE ANGELIC CHORUS THAT FOLLOWS HIM EVERYWHERE BECOMES TOO LOUD TO TUNE OUT
AND HE LOOKS UP, AND IS STRUCK DUMB BY THE ETHEREAL BEAUTY OF THIS ALLEGED BOY, BUT HE DOESN'T TALK MUCH ANYWAY SO THAT'S KIND OF IRRELEVENT - HE SPEAKS WITH HIS MIGHTY FISTS, IN MOST SITUATIONS.
BUT NOT THIS ONE
ANYWAY
THIS EXQUISITE EPITOME OF MAGNIFICENCE FINALLY REACHED THE LESSER BEING, AND OPENED HIS PERFECTLY TANTALIZING LIPS, MOIST BUT NOT GOOPY, AS IF THEY HAD BEEN SOOTHED BY A HEAVENLY LIP BALM, BUT NONE OF THAT NASTY GLOSS CRAP, BUT THE CHORUS WAS KINDA OVERWHELMINGLY LOUD, SO HE PAUSED AND WAVED WITH ONE SPLENDIDLY MANICURED HAND FOR THEM TO BACK OFF, OR REALLY JUST SHUT UP, THAT WAS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING
AND IT MUST BE MENTIONED THAT THIS MAJESTIC EXAMPLE OF FEMININELY MASCULINE LOVELINESS WAS EVER-SO-SLENDER AND GRACEFUL, BECAUSE, DUH. AND HIS HAIR FELL IN WAVES OF BLUE LIKE THE OCEAN, EXCEPT BLUER AND WAVIER AND SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE OCEAN, AND HIS EYES WERE LIKE POOLS OF BEAUTIFUL LIQUID..
SO ANYWAY, HE OPENED HIS BEAUTIFUL MOUTH ONCE MORE, AND THE SOUND THAT EMERGED WAS INDESCRIBABLE,
LIKE THE MOST ALLURING OF SIREN SONGS, LIKE THE MOST ANGELIC OF SERAPHIM-Y VOICES. BUT /SEXIER/. THE TROUBLED EMPEROR COULD HAVE SWORN HIS VERY EARDRUMS MELTED WITH THE BEAUTY OF THE SOUND
AND HIS WORDS STRUCK THE OTHER YOUNG STUDMUFFIN DEEP IN HIS VERY SOUL
"Ne, Sanada-kun. Lighten up."
AND THEN THE ETHEREAL BEAUTY STARED SOULFULLY INTO THE EYES OF THE HANDSOME EMPEROR, AND THEIR SOULS WERE REFLECTED IN THEIR EYES, LIKE AGATEY EYES REFLECTED IN POOLY EYES REFLECTED IN AGATEY EYES
REFLECTED IN. AND THEIR SOULS /CONNECTED/
AND THEN.
THEY REALIZED.
THAT THEIR SOULS HAD /ALWAYS/ BEEN CONNECTED
FOR
THEY WERE SOULMATES
WHOSE BOND EXTENDED BEYOND MERE MORTALITY
AND THE HEAVENLY BEAUTY CRIED OUT A JOYFUL CRY OF HAPPYNESS
AND HE SAID, IN THAT WONDERFUL EAR-MELTING VOICE,
"AT LAST! I HAVE FOUND MY TRUE LOVE THAT I HAD LOST FOR SO MANY LIFETIMES! MY DARLING, MY OWN, WE ARE REUNITED! IT IS JUST LIKE WHAT WAS PROMISED IN THE PROPHECY!
"I HAD ALMOST GIVEN UP HOPE, BUT, FINALLY, I HAVE FOUND YOU! YOU ARE HERE AT LAST! OH, HAPPY DAY! GLORIOUS DAY! WE CAN FINALLY RETURN TO MY HOME, MY LOVE!"
AND THE ONCE-AGAIN-MIGHTY EMPEROR (FOR HIS POWER HAD BEEN RESTORED BY THE FORCE OF THE GENTLE ANGEL'S LOVE) SAID, IN HIS DEEP AND INDUBITABLY SEXY VOICE, "YOUR HOME?" FOR INDEED IT WAS A MYSTERY FROM WHENCE THE ANGEL HAD COME. HE HAD JUST KINDA SHOWN UP ONE DAY AND NO ONE HAD THOUGHT TO ASK.
THE GORGEOUS EPITOME OF LOVELINESS REPLIED, "YES, MY HOME. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, IN SCOTLAND BUT OTHER THAN THAT DIRECTIONS CAN GET KINDA FUZZY. MOST PEOPLE CALL IT "HOGWARTS" BUT I JUST CALL IT 'HOME'"
AND THE STUDLY EMPEROR CRIED, "HOG WARTS!?" FOR HE HAD NEVER HEARD THIS NAME BEFORE.
THE BEAUTIFULLY MAJESTIC BOY ANSWERED, "YES, MY DARLING, HOGWARTS. YOU SEE, I DO NOT ONLY WORK MY MAGIC ON THE TENNIS COURTS. I AM ALSO A WIZARD IN THE FIELDS AND ON THE STREETS AND YES, EVEN IN BED."
[NOT TO MENTION HIS ENGRISH MISPRONUNCIATION OF THIS STRANGE WORD]
[THEY ARE SPEAKING IN ENGLISH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT]
[OH RIGHT. MY BAD]
[OK, BACK TO THE STORY, WE ARE STILL MADA MADA DANE HERE]
[RIGHT-O]
AND THE STRIKINGLY FINE HUNK OF BOY THAT WAS THE EMPEROR WAS AGHAST AND A-SURPRISED, EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT BED BECAUSE WHEN A GUY LOOKS LIKE THAT, YOU HAVE A CERTAIN LEVEL OF EXPECTATIONS
AND THEN HE SAID "SO WHY IS IT CALLED HOG WARTS?" BECAUSE REALLY, EVERYONE HAS WONDERED THIS AT SOME POINT.
AND THE BEAUTIFULLY STUNNING BEAUTY CHARMINGLY EXPLAINED, "WELL, A WHOLE LOT OF YEARS AGO, THERE WERE FOUR WITCHES AND WIZARDS. THAT'S TWO WIZARDS AND TWO WITCHES, NOT EIGHT TOTAL MAGIC-FOLK, MIND. THEIR NAMES WERE GODRIC GRYFFINDOR, ROWENA RAVENCLAW, HELGA HUFFLEPUFF, AND SALAZAR SLYTHERIN.
"THESE FOUR NOBLE FOLK DECIDED TO FOUND A SCHOOL FOR MAGIC, SO THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP LEARNING BY THE HORRIFIC METHODS OF THE TIME, WHICH INVOLVED A GREAT DEAL OF EROTIC TORTURE AND BACCHANALIAN ORGIES
"ANYWAY, EVER SINCE THEN, ITS HALLOWED HALLS HAVE BEEN A HAVEN FOR MAGICAL LEARNING IN SAFETY AND WITH ONLY MINIMAL AMOUNTS OF EROTIC TORTURE. CAN'T REALLY STOP THE ORGIES, THOUGH, THOSE WERE ALWAYS PRETTY POPULAR
"AND THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED HOGWARTS, MY DEAR SNUGGLEBUNNY"
AND THE EMPEROR MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS DID NOT ANSWER HIS QUESTION AT ALL, EXCEPT THAT HE HAD TUNED OUT WITHIN THE FIRST SENTENCE, CONTENT ONLY TO ABSORB THE BEAUTIFUL, MELLIFLUOUS TONES OF HIS MULTI-LIFETIME LOVER'S BEAUTIFUL VOICE. ANYWAY, HIS EARDRUMS HAD MELTED A WHILE AGO.
AND THEN THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURE OF EXQUISITE BEAUTY CONTINUED, "AT HOGWARTS, I HAVE BEEN THE TEACHER OF DEFENCE [YES, DEFENCE] AGAINST THE DARK ARTS FOR THREE YEARS NOW, AND AM ALSO THE HEADMASTER. SO, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME, WHICH IS WHY I DECIDED TO TAKE MY SEARCH FOR MY LOST SOULMATE OVER TO KANAGAWA IN JAPAN. I DETECTED A FRISSON FROM THAT AREA WITH MY UNPARALLELED MAGICAL ABILITY
"BUT ALAS, MY DARLING, MY VACATION TIME DOTH RUN SHORT. AND SO I MUST ASK YOU A QUESTION I HAD WANTED TO PROLONG FOR AS LONG AS I COULD. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS PROVES TO BE ABOUT TEN MINUTES.
"MY QUESTION IS... WILL YOU COME AND LIVE WITH ME AT HOGWARTS AND HAVE MAGICAL HAWTBOISEX AT ANY AND ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND/OR NIGHT?
"FOR EVER AND EVER?
"UNTIL WE DIE, AND THEN WE MEET UP AGAIN AND START ALL OVER?"
AND THE YOUNG EMPEROR FOUND HIMSELF IN QUITE A PICKLE INDEED
[HEH, PICKLE.]
BECAUSE
HE LOVED HIS NEW-FOUND SOULMATE WITH HIS ENTIRE HEART, HIS ENTIRE SOUL, HIS ENTIRE BEING, PLUS A BIT
BUT
HE ALSO KINDA LOVED SOMETHING ELSE. WITH, LIKE, HIS SMALLEST LEFT TOE, OR SOMETHING
AND THAT THING WAS
HIS MAD BITCHSLAP-TASTIC TENNIS SKILLZ
AND SO
HE GATHERED HIS NERVES
AND OPENED HIS MOUTH (ALSO PERFECT, BUT IN A WHOLESOME AND MANLY UN-MOIST WAY)
AND SAID
AND SAID
SO SLOWLY
SO TENTATIVELY
THOUGH HE HAD NEVER BEFORE BEEN TENTATIVE ABOUT ANYTHING
BUT THIS WAS HIS HAPPINESS THAT WAS ON THE LINE; HE HAD TO BE CAREFUL
SO HE SAID
TIMIDLY
GENTLY
"DO THEY HAVE TENNIS COURTS AT THIS PLACE YOU CALL 'HOG WARTS'?"
AND THE BEAUTIFUL ANGEL SMILED BEAUTIFULLY, HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE A SCENIC DISPLAY OF THE GREATEST OF BEAUTIES, AND AGAIN LIFTED ONE MARVELOUSLY SEXY HAND
AND FLICKED HIS WRIST. BEAUTIFULLY.
BECAUSE
HE WAS SO BEYOND WAND MAGIC
AND REPLIED
"THEY DO NOW"
AND THE EMPEROR SMILED, HIS SMILE ALMOST AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE ANGEL'S, BUT A BIT MORE MANLY, AND THEIR EYES REFLECTED THE LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND JOY AND LOVE THAT THEY FELT FOR EACH OTHER
AND THE ANGEL SMILED EVEN MORE BEAUTIFULLY, WHICH HAD BEEN IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL IT HAPPENED, BECAUSE THE ANGEL DEFIES THE LAWS OF HOW BEAUTIFUL ANY ONE THING CAN BE, OBVIOUSLY, AND TOOK THE EMPEROR'S MANLY HAND IN HIS OWN FABULOUS ONE, AND
THE MOMENT THEY MADE PHYSICAL CONTACT
A GREAT LIGHT BURST FORTH FROM THEIR JOINED HANDS
AND HEAVENLY MUSIC SOUNDED, SEEMINGLY FROM NOWHERE
UNTIL THEY REALIZED THAT IT WAS THE HEAVENLY CHORUS FROM BEFORE, HUMMING UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND
AND THE EMPEROR TWITCHED A BIT, BUT WAS NOT AFRAID, BECAUSE HIS BEAUTIFUL SOULMATE'S EXQUISITE SMILE NEVER ONCE WAVERED
AND, ONCE THE LIGHT AND THE HUMMING FINALLY DIED DOWN A BIT, HE ASKED SOFTLY, "MY ONLY? WHAT... WHAT JUST HAPPENED?"
AND HIS PICTURESQUE LOVER SWEETLY REPLIED, "THAT WAS THE SECOND STEP IN THE MAGICAL SEVEN-STEP RENEWAL PROCESS OF OUR SOULMATEHOOD, MY STUDLY HUNK OF TENNIS BOY"
"THE FIRST, OF COURSE, WAS THE RECOGNITION OF OUR BOND."
"THE SECOND, WHAT JUST HAPPENED NOW, WAS ACCEPTANCE OF THAT BOND, MANIFESTED PHYSICALLY."
THE HANDSOME EMPEROR'S HEART FLUTTERED, SOMETHING HE HAD NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN, SINCE HIS HEART HAD ACTUALLY BEEN MADE OF CONCRETE POURED INTO A HEART-SHAPED MOLD UNTIL HIS DARLING ANGEL HAD RESTORED IT ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO
"AND WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP, MY LOVE?" THE EMPEROR ASKED, FOR HE WAS EAGER TO JOIN HIMSELF TO THIS
BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. YES, IN THE WAY YOU ARE IMAGINING. COME ON, YOU WOULD WANT TO, TOO.
"THE NEXT STEP, LIGHT OF MY LIVES, IS... A KISS TO SEAL OUR HEARTS FOR THE REST OF OUR DAYS!" CRIED THE ANGEL WITH BEAUTIFUL JUBILANCE.
AND THE EMPEROR TURNED TO FACE HIS ANGEL, TAKING HIS OTHER HAND AS WELL AS THE FIRST
THIS ONLY EMITTED A SPUTTERING FEW SPARKS, WHO HAD BEEN LATE TO THE CULMINATION OF THE SECOND STEP
AND WERE STILL FLOATING AROUND
AND THEY LOOKED SOULFULLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES
AND LEANED IN
CLOSER
AND CLOSER
UNTIL
THEIR LIPS MET IN THE GENTLEST, TENDEREST, MOST LOVING OF KISSES
THAT HAS EVER BEEN
AND
THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT A SECOND
FOR THEN
THE ANGEL POUNCED ON THE EMPEROR, SENDING HIM SPRAWLING BACKWARDS UNTIL THE ANGEL WAS STRADDLING HIM, BUT THE KISS NEVER BROKE
AND
THEY MOANED AND WRITHED AS ONE, AND THE HEAVENLY CHORUS EXPLODED INTO A JUBILANT A CAPELLA RENDITION OF 'STRANGERS LIKE ME' BY PHIL COLLINS, YOU KNOW, THE ONE FROM TARZAN
AND THEN
THEY REALIZED THAT PHIL COLLINS WAS RETARDED
AND QUICKLY SWITCHED OVER TO
'SEXY MOTHERFUCKER' BY THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOW AS PRINCE
[OF TENNIS?]
AND
THEY WERE TOTALLY GOING TO JUST START HAVING SEX IN THE MIDDLE OF WHEREVER THEY WERE, I FORGOT
BUT SUDDENLY
A GREAT WAIL CAME FROM A DISTANCE
A WAIL THAT SOUNDED SOMETHING LIKE
"YUKIMURA-BUCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!"
AND A FEW OTHER MIDDLE SCHOOLERS EXPLODED ONTO THE SCENE IN A FRENZY OF NOISE AND MOVEMENT THAT, UNFORTUNATELY, WAS NOT A GIANT ORGY
BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME
BUT
THE ORIGIN OF THE GREAT WAIL WAS A SMALLISH BOY WHO WAS CLEARLY AT LEAST PART DEMON, IF ONE KNEW WHERE TO LOOK FOR SIGNS - NAMELY, THE HORNS AND FORKED TAIL, INCONSPICUOUS TO THE AVERAGE MORTAL BUT MORE THAN CLEAR TO MAGICALLY ENHANCED AND BOUND SOULS SUCH AS THOSE OF THE ANGEL AND THE EMPEROR
AND THAT WAIL SLOWLY MORPHED INTO WORDS OTHER THAN THE NAME OF THE ANGEL, WHICH IS TOO GRAND TO BE GIVEN OUTSIDE OF THE NECESSARY DIALOGUE, AND OF COURSE WE WILL NEVER USE HIS FIRST NAME - ER, SECOND NAME.
"BUCHOOOU, MARUI-SEMPAI KEEPS EATING ALL MY FOOD AND YANAGI-SEMPAI PROPHESIED THAT YOU WERE GONNA GO AWAY SOON AND NIOU SAYS HE'S MORE EVIL THAN ME AND MAKE THEM STO-OP I DON'T LIIIKE IT THEY'RE BEING SO /MEAAAN/!"
AND AS THE SEMPAIS IN QUESTION ALL BEGAN TO SPEAK IN THEIR RESPECTIVE DEFENSES, EACH TRYING TO DROWN OUT THE OTHER, THE ANGEL LOOKED DOWN AT THE EMPEROR, ON TOP OF WHOM HE STILL PERCHED. THE EMPEROR STILL HAD NOT NOTICED THE COMMOTION, FOR HE WAS IN A LUST-INDUCED HAZE AND ALL HE COULD SEE WAS HIS SOULMATE, GLOWING FAINTLY WITH ETHEREAL LIGHT
AND THE ANGEL KNEW THAT HE HAD WON HIS EMPEROR COMPLETELY IN THAT MOMENT, FOR THE BABY DEMON WAS ONE OF THOSE WHO HAD FELT THE MIGHTY BITCHSLAP OF HIS SEXY EMPEROR THE MOST OFTEN AND THE MOST FORCEFULLY
AND HE LEANED DOWN UNTIL HIS LOVELY LIPS BRUSHED THE EMPEROR'S MELTY EAR, AND HIS WAVEY AND BLUE-Y HAIR TICKLED THE EMPEROR'S ALREADY-HICKEY-COVERED NECK, AND HE WHISPERED
"Ne, Sanada-kun. How about we ditch this joint? I know this place back at Hogwarts called the Room of Requirement..."
AND
THE EMPEROR HAD BARELY EVEN BEGUN TO NOD
WHEN
OUT OF NOWHERE
A MAJESTIC WINGED BEAST APPEARED FROM THE SKY, SWOOPING DOWN TO LAND BESIDE THE ANGEL AND HIS EMPEROR LOVER, ALMOST SQUISHING THE BABY DEMON WHO HAD BEEN STANDING THERE BEFORE. IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT BABY DEMONS ARE SO NIMBLE. TOO BAD ABOUT YAGYUU, THOUGH. NIOU'S NOT GONNA TAKE THAT WELL.
OH WELL. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN QUICKER.
[SHAME YAGYUU HADN'T BEEN ON THE TRACK TEAM RATHER THAN GOLF.]
[YEP.]
AND THE EMPEROR TORE HIS GAZE AWAY FROM HIS LOVE FOR BUT A MOMENT TO STARE IN AWE AT THE GREAT MONSTER THAT HAD APPEARED BESIDE THEM
AND HE ASKED, ALMOST REVERENTLY, "WHAT IS THAT, PEARL OF MY HEART?"
AND THE ANGEL ANSWERED, WITH CALM JOY,
...
"IT'S A LEOPLURIDON, GENICHIROU. IT WILL SHOW US THE WAY TO CANDY M- I MEAN, HOGWARTS."
[YOU DID NOT. JUST DO THAT.]
[OH I SO DID]
AND THEN
THE EMPEROR AND THE ANGEL LEAPT ONTO THE BACK OF THE ROARY MONSTER, THEIR HANDS STILL JOINED IN A CLASP OF TRUE LOVE, AND, WITH A "GRAWRAWRAWR," THE BEAST TOOK OFF INTO THE SKY, BITS OF YAGYUU TRAILING FROM HIS FRONT LEFT CLAW AND SPATTERING THE TENNIS COURTS AS THEY SPIRALED HIGHER AND HIGHER INTO THE SKY
THE HEAVENLY CHORUS FOLLOWED ON BROOMSTICK, BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO RIDE ON A DINOSAURBEAST
AND THEIR RENDITION OF 'PURPLE RAIN' WAS ALMOST DROWNED OUT BY THE BABY DEMON'S CRIES OF NEGLECT AND NIOU'S SHRIEKS OF MOURNING
BUT THE EMPEROR AND THE ANGEL HEARD NONE OF IT, FOR
THEY WERE ALREADY JOINING THE MILE-HIGH CLUB VIA LEOPLURIDON-BACK
...
THE END.
ILU, fujikocookie! <3!
So, without further ado...
***
Title: WTFic
by rancidmelody and war_n_peace
Genre: Prince of Tennis/Harry Potter/EXTREME CRACK
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sanada/Yukimura
Notes: Comments in [these brackets] are out-of-story comments from Ainsi and myself that I couldn't bear to cut ^_^...
***
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A REALLY BADASS MIDDLE SCHOOLER THAT HAD A BITCHSLAP TO BE HELD IN THE HIGHEST HONOR THROUGHOUT THE AGES
HOWEVER, DESPITE THE POWER HIS MIGHTY HAND MAY HAVE HELD, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER RAISED IT AGAINST ANYONE WITHOUT VALID REASON
FORTUNATELY FOR HIM, THERE WAS ALMOST ALWAYS A REASON
WHETHER IT BE LOSING A MATCH, PICKING ON THE YOUNGER STUDENTS, OR GENERALLY BEING ANNOYING
AND AS SUCH, THERE WERE MANY ACROSS THE LAND WHO HAD FELT THE STING OF THIS INFAMOUS SLAP.
UNTIL ONE DAY HE MET SOMEONE THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING.
SOMEONE WHO NEVER LOST A MATCH.
SOMEONE WHO WAS FAIR TO ALL OF THE YOUNGER STUDENTS.
AND SOMEONE WHO MADE EVEN THE MOST STOIC OF BADASSES LOOK IRRITATING AND OBNOXIOUS IN COMPARSION
AND IT DID NOT HURT THAT HE WAS INDEED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE THAT OUR HERO HAD EVER SEEN.
FOR MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS, OUR HERO WAS DISTRAUGHT.
HIS AUTHORITY WAS NOTHING - EVERYTHING HE HAD COME TO KNOW IN HIS LIFE WAS MEANINGLESS
HE WAS WRACKED WITH EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR.
UNTIL ONE DAY, THIS PICTURE OF EARTHLY PERFECTION APPROACHED OUR HERO/EMPEROR WHILE HE WAS BROODING.
SO, PICTURE OF EARTHLY PERFECTION WALKS UP - NO, /GLIDES/. HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL THAT THE EARTH MOVES /FOR HIM/.
SO HE GLIDES UP TO OUR BADASS IN DISTRESS
BUT THE YOUNG EMPEROR IS IN SUCH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL THAT HE DOES NOT EVEN SEE THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURE UNTIL HE IS A WHOLE TEN FEET AWAY, BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN THE ANGELIC CHORUS THAT FOLLOWS HIM EVERYWHERE BECOMES TOO LOUD TO TUNE OUT
AND HE LOOKS UP, AND IS STRUCK DUMB BY THE ETHEREAL BEAUTY OF THIS ALLEGED BOY, BUT HE DOESN'T TALK MUCH ANYWAY SO THAT'S KIND OF IRRELEVENT - HE SPEAKS WITH HIS MIGHTY FISTS, IN MOST SITUATIONS.
BUT NOT THIS ONE
ANYWAY
THIS EXQUISITE EPITOME OF MAGNIFICENCE FINALLY REACHED THE LESSER BEING, AND OPENED HIS PERFECTLY TANTALIZING LIPS, MOIST BUT NOT GOOPY, AS IF THEY HAD BEEN SOOTHED BY A HEAVENLY LIP BALM, BUT NONE OF THAT NASTY GLOSS CRAP, BUT THE CHORUS WAS KINDA OVERWHELMINGLY LOUD, SO HE PAUSED AND WAVED WITH ONE SPLENDIDLY MANICURED HAND FOR THEM TO BACK OFF, OR REALLY JUST SHUT UP, THAT WAS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING
AND IT MUST BE MENTIONED THAT THIS MAJESTIC EXAMPLE OF FEMININELY MASCULINE LOVELINESS WAS EVER-SO-SLENDER AND GRACEFUL, BECAUSE, DUH. AND HIS HAIR FELL IN WAVES OF BLUE LIKE THE OCEAN, EXCEPT BLUER AND WAVIER AND SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE OCEAN, AND HIS EYES WERE LIKE POOLS OF BEAUTIFUL LIQUID..
SO ANYWAY, HE OPENED HIS BEAUTIFUL MOUTH ONCE MORE, AND THE SOUND THAT EMERGED WAS INDESCRIBABLE,
LIKE THE MOST ALLURING OF SIREN SONGS, LIKE THE MOST ANGELIC OF SERAPHIM-Y VOICES. BUT /SEXIER/. THE TROUBLED EMPEROR COULD HAVE SWORN HIS VERY EARDRUMS MELTED WITH THE BEAUTY OF THE SOUND
AND HIS WORDS STRUCK THE OTHER YOUNG STUDMUFFIN DEEP IN HIS VERY SOUL
"Ne, Sanada-kun. Lighten up."
AND THEN THE ETHEREAL BEAUTY STARED SOULFULLY INTO THE EYES OF THE HANDSOME EMPEROR, AND THEIR SOULS WERE REFLECTED IN THEIR EYES, LIKE AGATEY EYES REFLECTED IN POOLY EYES REFLECTED IN AGATEY EYES
REFLECTED IN. AND THEIR SOULS /CONNECTED/
AND THEN.
THEY REALIZED.
THAT THEIR SOULS HAD /ALWAYS/ BEEN CONNECTED
FOR
THEY WERE SOULMATES
WHOSE BOND EXTENDED BEYOND MERE MORTALITY
AND THE HEAVENLY BEAUTY CRIED OUT A JOYFUL CRY OF HAPPYNESS
AND HE SAID, IN THAT WONDERFUL EAR-MELTING VOICE,
"AT LAST! I HAVE FOUND MY TRUE LOVE THAT I HAD LOST FOR SO MANY LIFETIMES! MY DARLING, MY OWN, WE ARE REUNITED! IT IS JUST LIKE WHAT WAS PROMISED IN THE PROPHECY!
"I HAD ALMOST GIVEN UP HOPE, BUT, FINALLY, I HAVE FOUND YOU! YOU ARE HERE AT LAST! OH, HAPPY DAY! GLORIOUS DAY! WE CAN FINALLY RETURN TO MY HOME, MY LOVE!"
AND THE ONCE-AGAIN-MIGHTY EMPEROR (FOR HIS POWER HAD BEEN RESTORED BY THE FORCE OF THE GENTLE ANGEL'S LOVE) SAID, IN HIS DEEP AND INDUBITABLY SEXY VOICE, "YOUR HOME?" FOR INDEED IT WAS A MYSTERY FROM WHENCE THE ANGEL HAD COME. HE HAD JUST KINDA SHOWN UP ONE DAY AND NO ONE HAD THOUGHT TO ASK.
THE GORGEOUS EPITOME OF LOVELINESS REPLIED, "YES, MY HOME. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, IN SCOTLAND BUT OTHER THAN THAT DIRECTIONS CAN GET KINDA FUZZY. MOST PEOPLE CALL IT "HOGWARTS" BUT I JUST CALL IT 'HOME'"
AND THE STUDLY EMPEROR CRIED, "HOG WARTS!?" FOR HE HAD NEVER HEARD THIS NAME BEFORE.
THE BEAUTIFULLY MAJESTIC BOY ANSWERED, "YES, MY DARLING, HOGWARTS. YOU SEE, I DO NOT ONLY WORK MY MAGIC ON THE TENNIS COURTS. I AM ALSO A WIZARD IN THE FIELDS AND ON THE STREETS AND YES, EVEN IN BED."
[NOT TO MENTION HIS ENGRISH MISPRONUNCIATION OF THIS STRANGE WORD]
[THEY ARE SPEAKING IN ENGLISH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT]
[OH RIGHT. MY BAD]
[OK, BACK TO THE STORY, WE ARE STILL MADA MADA DANE HERE]
[RIGHT-O]
AND THE STRIKINGLY FINE HUNK OF BOY THAT WAS THE EMPEROR WAS AGHAST AND A-SURPRISED, EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT BED BECAUSE WHEN A GUY LOOKS LIKE THAT, YOU HAVE A CERTAIN LEVEL OF EXPECTATIONS
AND THEN HE SAID "SO WHY IS IT CALLED HOG WARTS?" BECAUSE REALLY, EVERYONE HAS WONDERED THIS AT SOME POINT.
AND THE BEAUTIFULLY STUNNING BEAUTY CHARMINGLY EXPLAINED, "WELL, A WHOLE LOT OF YEARS AGO, THERE WERE FOUR WITCHES AND WIZARDS. THAT'S TWO WIZARDS AND TWO WITCHES, NOT EIGHT TOTAL MAGIC-FOLK, MIND. THEIR NAMES WERE GODRIC GRYFFINDOR, ROWENA RAVENCLAW, HELGA HUFFLEPUFF, AND SALAZAR SLYTHERIN.
"THESE FOUR NOBLE FOLK DECIDED TO FOUND A SCHOOL FOR MAGIC, SO THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP LEARNING BY THE HORRIFIC METHODS OF THE TIME, WHICH INVOLVED A GREAT DEAL OF EROTIC TORTURE AND BACCHANALIAN ORGIES
"ANYWAY, EVER SINCE THEN, ITS HALLOWED HALLS HAVE BEEN A HAVEN FOR MAGICAL LEARNING IN SAFETY AND WITH ONLY MINIMAL AMOUNTS OF EROTIC TORTURE. CAN'T REALLY STOP THE ORGIES, THOUGH, THOSE WERE ALWAYS PRETTY POPULAR
"AND THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED HOGWARTS, MY DEAR SNUGGLEBUNNY"
AND THE EMPEROR MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS DID NOT ANSWER HIS QUESTION AT ALL, EXCEPT THAT HE HAD TUNED OUT WITHIN THE FIRST SENTENCE, CONTENT ONLY TO ABSORB THE BEAUTIFUL, MELLIFLUOUS TONES OF HIS MULTI-LIFETIME LOVER'S BEAUTIFUL VOICE. ANYWAY, HIS EARDRUMS HAD MELTED A WHILE AGO.
AND THEN THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURE OF EXQUISITE BEAUTY CONTINUED, "AT HOGWARTS, I HAVE BEEN THE TEACHER OF DEFENCE [YES, DEFENCE] AGAINST THE DARK ARTS FOR THREE YEARS NOW, AND AM ALSO THE HEADMASTER. SO, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME, WHICH IS WHY I DECIDED TO TAKE MY SEARCH FOR MY LOST SOULMATE OVER TO KANAGAWA IN JAPAN. I DETECTED A FRISSON FROM THAT AREA WITH MY UNPARALLELED MAGICAL ABILITY
"BUT ALAS, MY DARLING, MY VACATION TIME DOTH RUN SHORT. AND SO I MUST ASK YOU A QUESTION I HAD WANTED TO PROLONG FOR AS LONG AS I COULD. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS PROVES TO BE ABOUT TEN MINUTES.
"MY QUESTION IS... WILL YOU COME AND LIVE WITH ME AT HOGWARTS AND HAVE MAGICAL HAWTBOISEX AT ANY AND ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND/OR NIGHT?
"FOR EVER AND EVER?
"UNTIL WE DIE, AND THEN WE MEET UP AGAIN AND START ALL OVER?"
AND THE YOUNG EMPEROR FOUND HIMSELF IN QUITE A PICKLE INDEED
[HEH, PICKLE.]
BECAUSE
HE LOVED HIS NEW-FOUND SOULMATE WITH HIS ENTIRE HEART, HIS ENTIRE SOUL, HIS ENTIRE BEING, PLUS A BIT
BUT
HE ALSO KINDA LOVED SOMETHING ELSE. WITH, LIKE, HIS SMALLEST LEFT TOE, OR SOMETHING
AND THAT THING WAS
HIS MAD BITCHSLAP-TASTIC TENNIS SKILLZ
AND SO
HE GATHERED HIS NERVES
AND OPENED HIS MOUTH (ALSO PERFECT, BUT IN A WHOLESOME AND MANLY UN-MOIST WAY)
AND SAID
AND SAID
SO SLOWLY
SO TENTATIVELY
THOUGH HE HAD NEVER BEFORE BEEN TENTATIVE ABOUT ANYTHING
BUT THIS WAS HIS HAPPINESS THAT WAS ON THE LINE; HE HAD TO BE CAREFUL
SO HE SAID
TIMIDLY
GENTLY
"DO THEY HAVE TENNIS COURTS AT THIS PLACE YOU CALL 'HOG WARTS'?"
AND THE BEAUTIFUL ANGEL SMILED BEAUTIFULLY, HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE A SCENIC DISPLAY OF THE GREATEST OF BEAUTIES, AND AGAIN LIFTED ONE MARVELOUSLY SEXY HAND
AND FLICKED HIS WRIST. BEAUTIFULLY.
BECAUSE
HE WAS SO BEYOND WAND MAGIC
AND REPLIED
"THEY DO NOW"
AND THE EMPEROR SMILED, HIS SMILE ALMOST AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE ANGEL'S, BUT A BIT MORE MANLY, AND THEIR EYES REFLECTED THE LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND JOY AND LOVE THAT THEY FELT FOR EACH OTHER
AND THE ANGEL SMILED EVEN MORE BEAUTIFULLY, WHICH HAD BEEN IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL IT HAPPENED, BECAUSE THE ANGEL DEFIES THE LAWS OF HOW BEAUTIFUL ANY ONE THING CAN BE, OBVIOUSLY, AND TOOK THE EMPEROR'S MANLY HAND IN HIS OWN FABULOUS ONE, AND
THE MOMENT THEY MADE PHYSICAL CONTACT
A GREAT LIGHT BURST FORTH FROM THEIR JOINED HANDS
AND HEAVENLY MUSIC SOUNDED, SEEMINGLY FROM NOWHERE
UNTIL THEY REALIZED THAT IT WAS THE HEAVENLY CHORUS FROM BEFORE, HUMMING UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND
AND THE EMPEROR TWITCHED A BIT, BUT WAS NOT AFRAID, BECAUSE HIS BEAUTIFUL SOULMATE'S EXQUISITE SMILE NEVER ONCE WAVERED
AND, ONCE THE LIGHT AND THE HUMMING FINALLY DIED DOWN A BIT, HE ASKED SOFTLY, "MY ONLY? WHAT... WHAT JUST HAPPENED?"
AND HIS PICTURESQUE LOVER SWEETLY REPLIED, "THAT WAS THE SECOND STEP IN THE MAGICAL SEVEN-STEP RENEWAL PROCESS OF OUR SOULMATEHOOD, MY STUDLY HUNK OF TENNIS BOY"
"THE FIRST, OF COURSE, WAS THE RECOGNITION OF OUR BOND."
"THE SECOND, WHAT JUST HAPPENED NOW, WAS ACCEPTANCE OF THAT BOND, MANIFESTED PHYSICALLY."
THE HANDSOME EMPEROR'S HEART FLUTTERED, SOMETHING HE HAD NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN, SINCE HIS HEART HAD ACTUALLY BEEN MADE OF CONCRETE POURED INTO A HEART-SHAPED MOLD UNTIL HIS DARLING ANGEL HAD RESTORED IT ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO
"AND WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP, MY LOVE?" THE EMPEROR ASKED, FOR HE WAS EAGER TO JOIN HIMSELF TO THIS
BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. YES, IN THE WAY YOU ARE IMAGINING. COME ON, YOU WOULD WANT TO, TOO.
"THE NEXT STEP, LIGHT OF MY LIVES, IS... A KISS TO SEAL OUR HEARTS FOR THE REST OF OUR DAYS!" CRIED THE ANGEL WITH BEAUTIFUL JUBILANCE.
AND THE EMPEROR TURNED TO FACE HIS ANGEL, TAKING HIS OTHER HAND AS WELL AS THE FIRST
THIS ONLY EMITTED A SPUTTERING FEW SPARKS, WHO HAD BEEN LATE TO THE CULMINATION OF THE SECOND STEP
AND WERE STILL FLOATING AROUND
AND THEY LOOKED SOULFULLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES
AND LEANED IN
CLOSER
AND CLOSER
UNTIL
THEIR LIPS MET IN THE GENTLEST, TENDEREST, MOST LOVING OF KISSES
THAT HAS EVER BEEN
AND
THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT A SECOND
FOR THEN
THE ANGEL POUNCED ON THE EMPEROR, SENDING HIM SPRAWLING BACKWARDS UNTIL THE ANGEL WAS STRADDLING HIM, BUT THE KISS NEVER BROKE
AND
THEY MOANED AND WRITHED AS ONE, AND THE HEAVENLY CHORUS EXPLODED INTO A JUBILANT A CAPELLA RENDITION OF 'STRANGERS LIKE ME' BY PHIL COLLINS, YOU KNOW, THE ONE FROM TARZAN
AND THEN
THEY REALIZED THAT PHIL COLLINS WAS RETARDED
AND QUICKLY SWITCHED OVER TO
'SEXY MOTHERFUCKER' BY THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOW AS PRINCE
[OF TENNIS?]
AND
THEY WERE TOTALLY GOING TO JUST START HAVING SEX IN THE MIDDLE OF WHEREVER THEY WERE, I FORGOT
BUT SUDDENLY
A GREAT WAIL CAME FROM A DISTANCE
A WAIL THAT SOUNDED SOMETHING LIKE
"YUKIMURA-BUCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!"
AND A FEW OTHER MIDDLE SCHOOLERS EXPLODED ONTO THE SCENE IN A FRENZY OF NOISE AND MOVEMENT THAT, UNFORTUNATELY, WAS NOT A GIANT ORGY
BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME
BUT
THE ORIGIN OF THE GREAT WAIL WAS A SMALLISH BOY WHO WAS CLEARLY AT LEAST PART DEMON, IF ONE KNEW WHERE TO LOOK FOR SIGNS - NAMELY, THE HORNS AND FORKED TAIL, INCONSPICUOUS TO THE AVERAGE MORTAL BUT MORE THAN CLEAR TO MAGICALLY ENHANCED AND BOUND SOULS SUCH AS THOSE OF THE ANGEL AND THE EMPEROR
AND THAT WAIL SLOWLY MORPHED INTO WORDS OTHER THAN THE NAME OF THE ANGEL, WHICH IS TOO GRAND TO BE GIVEN OUTSIDE OF THE NECESSARY DIALOGUE, AND OF COURSE WE WILL NEVER USE HIS FIRST NAME - ER, SECOND NAME.
"BUCHOOOU, MARUI-SEMPAI KEEPS EATING ALL MY FOOD AND YANAGI-SEMPAI PROPHESIED THAT YOU WERE GONNA GO AWAY SOON AND NIOU SAYS HE'S MORE EVIL THAN ME AND MAKE THEM STO-OP I DON'T LIIIKE IT THEY'RE BEING SO /MEAAAN/!"
AND AS THE SEMPAIS IN QUESTION ALL BEGAN TO SPEAK IN THEIR RESPECTIVE DEFENSES, EACH TRYING TO DROWN OUT THE OTHER, THE ANGEL LOOKED DOWN AT THE EMPEROR, ON TOP OF WHOM HE STILL PERCHED. THE EMPEROR STILL HAD NOT NOTICED THE COMMOTION, FOR HE WAS IN A LUST-INDUCED HAZE AND ALL HE COULD SEE WAS HIS SOULMATE, GLOWING FAINTLY WITH ETHEREAL LIGHT
AND THE ANGEL KNEW THAT HE HAD WON HIS EMPEROR COMPLETELY IN THAT MOMENT, FOR THE BABY DEMON WAS ONE OF THOSE WHO HAD FELT THE MIGHTY BITCHSLAP OF HIS SEXY EMPEROR THE MOST OFTEN AND THE MOST FORCEFULLY
AND HE LEANED DOWN UNTIL HIS LOVELY LIPS BRUSHED THE EMPEROR'S MELTY EAR, AND HIS WAVEY AND BLUE-Y HAIR TICKLED THE EMPEROR'S ALREADY-HICKEY-COVERED NECK, AND HE WHISPERED
"Ne, Sanada-kun. How about we ditch this joint? I know this place back at Hogwarts called the Room of Requirement..."
AND
THE EMPEROR HAD BARELY EVEN BEGUN TO NOD
WHEN
OUT OF NOWHERE
A MAJESTIC WINGED BEAST APPEARED FROM THE SKY, SWOOPING DOWN TO LAND BESIDE THE ANGEL AND HIS EMPEROR LOVER, ALMOST SQUISHING THE BABY DEMON WHO HAD BEEN STANDING THERE BEFORE. IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT BABY DEMONS ARE SO NIMBLE. TOO BAD ABOUT YAGYUU, THOUGH. NIOU'S NOT GONNA TAKE THAT WELL.
OH WELL. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN QUICKER.
[SHAME YAGYUU HADN'T BEEN ON THE TRACK TEAM RATHER THAN GOLF.]
[YEP.]
AND THE EMPEROR TORE HIS GAZE AWAY FROM HIS LOVE FOR BUT A MOMENT TO STARE IN AWE AT THE GREAT MONSTER THAT HAD APPEARED BESIDE THEM
AND HE ASKED, ALMOST REVERENTLY, "WHAT IS THAT, PEARL OF MY HEART?"
AND THE ANGEL ANSWERED, WITH CALM JOY,
...
"IT'S A LEOPLURIDON, GENICHIROU. IT WILL SHOW US THE WAY TO CANDY M- I MEAN, HOGWARTS."
[YOU DID NOT. JUST DO THAT.]
[OH I SO DID]
AND THEN
THE EMPEROR AND THE ANGEL LEAPT ONTO THE BACK OF THE ROARY MONSTER, THEIR HANDS STILL JOINED IN A CLASP OF TRUE LOVE, AND, WITH A "GRAWRAWRAWR," THE BEAST TOOK OFF INTO THE SKY, BITS OF YAGYUU TRAILING FROM HIS FRONT LEFT CLAW AND SPATTERING THE TENNIS COURTS AS THEY SPIRALED HIGHER AND HIGHER INTO THE SKY
THE HEAVENLY CHORUS FOLLOWED ON BROOMSTICK, BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO RIDE ON A DINOSAURBEAST
AND THEIR RENDITION OF 'PURPLE RAIN' WAS ALMOST DROWNED OUT BY THE BABY DEMON'S CRIES OF NEGLECT AND NIOU'S SHRIEKS OF MOURNING
BUT THE EMPEROR AND THE ANGEL HEARD NONE OF IT, FOR
THEY WERE ALREADY JOINING THE MILE-HIGH CLUB VIA LEOPLURIDON-BACK
...
THE END.