insomnia.

[ranathalion]

I've been having trouble sleeping. I go to sleep after lights out, dead tired, but somehow I keep waking up at two or three in the morning. Can't get back to sleep. Just stare into the darkness.

I can't stop thinking about the barracks at Tekong. Every morning birds crashing into glass windows and falling, like stones, to the ground. Dead birds in the dawn, feathers rustling in the breeze.

Asleep.

I wish I were crazy so they would lock me up and let me sleep. Peaceful quiet clinical hospital wards, sterilized corridors. White sheets. All the vending machine coffee I could ever want. Three times a day I would take pills that would make me happy.
I want to be happy.
I want to be happy.

I want to die.
Roll over and twitch like a dead bird and grin at the sky. Waiting, waiting to hit the ground. Because I always hit the ground.

Colourful pills
like lesbian sex

I can't remember anymore. No i remember but the edge is gone. I remember classrooms and hands and candles and swimming pools. I remember a girl who stared at me so hard i wanted to lift my hand to hide the honesty in her eyes.

I remember hands like blades,
cutting
    cutting
        cutting
love hate clouds

i am not crazy,. the worst of it is that i am not crazy. or drunk.
just self-destructive.
just everything-destructive, that's all.

i'm scared
    of course i'm scared
that's what i never told her holding her hands while she pulled them away, wringing, shaking, shaking
if she was crazy then i'm crazy too
because i'm scared

i'm scared to die
i'm scared to love
i'm scared to be alone

but i had to hold her because i could feel her slipping away

because if we were both scared
where would we be

because she was shaking so much i thought she would fly apart if i didn't hold her.

but who will hold me
who will hold ryan

and tell him it's okay to be scared
it's okay ryan

mistakes of a boy
    who thought himself invincible

until one day he unravelled so much there was nothing left

just string

and hopes
little dreams about happiness
    squash girl and computer boy

but a grenade is a grenade is a grenade
and shrapnel is shrapnel

ryan never changes

i'm sorry
i'm sorry

pretty little notes like razors
once upon a time

my hands can't stop shaking they can't
i don't want to write anymore
i don't want

don't know why fuck

i promise i won't always be like this

ryan is sorry for everything.