Empty
Now, I am sure of it. Something is going wrong with me... I am not writing any longer!
It's not like I missed my words or can no longer find the inspiration; right now, I have more than thousand stories to tell and hundreds of incidents to criticize yet I can't hold the pen!
I never thought of writing as a difficult challenging task, on the contrary, I always felt it as natural to me as eating food, drinking water or breathing air. I just had to look, listen and smell and that was enough inspiration to write, even now, I haven't ceased to get impulses from the outer world. Alas, all ideas I get are kind of dark and scary these days.
I never lacked words now will I. I think I will die holding a pen with an unfinished story on a paper and I do think that I was created to write! the only wrong is in my soul, I am afraid so!
I am deeply defeated in my core! I lost faith in everything I once had faith in starting by deities, religions and most of all human goodness!
So many things take place that my logic can't explain. So many things that should happen in a better way keep happening. So many prayers I prayed but hadn't reached their destination among the stars!
I no longer wish for anything for my wishes are never granted, no longer pray for I lost all faith that something hears my prayers or grant them as well, can't accept a helping hand from another person for I don't believe anyone would help another without a hidden agenda and I don't know if I ever will recover from my current state of mind.
The bright side is, my life loving survival instinct is never affected by my mood, I cling to life like a man drowning. I love life though my reason is always different. Once before I lived to chase an idea, a fantasy and a dream for humanity, now I live just for me.
Some might think of that as an improvement, but it's not any good when you're there. you're perfectly nice and in good shape, yet you are empty... that's how I feel; Empty!
My instinct urged me to write about that or else I might not be able to write anymore! I am not sure I feel any difference... I am just tired.
Hey....
Maybe this is the part of the story when Mr right appears to save me from my distress?
I don't think so. I don't need a savior. God knows, I am a walking disaster!!! so if Mr right tries to approach, he'll have to be extremely cautious. I am radio active!
(A sigh!)