Low energy lately, offline a lot, kinda out of it. Frustration with hypocrisy.

Jan 31, 2005 15:52

I haven't been around that much online lately. I haven't been around much in general lately. I've been (physically) very low energy pretty much since I started my new job (Nov 29 2004); putting in a full day and week of work is very draining for me. And I get home after my day at my work 'puter with less desire to sit at my home 'puter. I'm hoping this'll change soon, that my energy state will improve as my stamina improves. I know that my doing nothing at all (physically speaking) for over 6 months made me lose what bits of OKish physical conditioning and stamina that I did have. And I still have recurrent muscle-type pain in the general area of the back of my neck. I see my surgeon on Monday Feb 7th, and am preparing a list of questions for him. (I'd love any suggested questions from LJ readers!)

But I've also been kinda out of it in other ways. Feeling unmotivated, uninspired. I need to get involved in some more cool stuff locally, meet more cool local people. Otherwise I don't even feel up to the few little things I usually enjoy. Yeah, this is an emotional lull time for me. I know it'll pass, but I need to get more active about making it pass rather than passively waiting for things to change. And getting back to being at least somewhat more active online (LJ and some personal e-communication) would be a good thing too.

For some reason, one thing on my mind a lot lately is that I find that I'm getting very impatient or intolerant about many sorts of levels of hypocrisy, lies, intentional delusions, particularly to close friends/SOs. For example, I just recently saw Sideways, and couldn't get over my disgust at the character of Jack (micro-spoiler: an unrepentant cheater, who appropriately marries his fiancée in a perfectly hypocritical ultrareligious marriage ceremony) enough to enjoy the intended humor and ironies of his story. I feel like I just keep seeing so many people publicly and socially claiming to be one thing -- religious identification, marital/dating status, "moral" principles -- while privately doing contrary things that only a few select friends/SOs/etc.(and not other close friends/SOs/etc.) know about. (And I'm specifically excluding whether one is honest about these things with one's family of origin or at one's workplace, which can be thorny matters, and I'm not feeling judgmental there). I have multiple friends and acquaintances in this kind of situation, see it in movies and on TV, and read about it in news stories. I used to be better at accepting this as inevitable, but I'm feeling so annoyed about it lately. Does it really take that much courage to live openly as you are, at least specifically to all of your friends and SOs? This is not a direct snipe at anyone, it's more about me, and my frustration at and inability to relate to something that's so incredibly common. And of course wishing it were less common.

Anyway, I just wanted to make this little post with a bit of personal content (yeah, finally!) updating people on vaguely what's up with my life, and mentioning that I'm still alive, Mira is still incredibly cute, and I'm just in more of a less-social curl-up-in-a-dark-corner kind of mood than usual.

health, ethics, mental health

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