Mean Girls 2
Mean Girls 2
or
Dr. Phil's How to Lie Your Way Into the Marriage You Deserve
Say there are n men and n women itching to get hitched. Each man has a ranked list of all the woman according to how much he'd like to marry her. Likewise, each woman has a ranked list of all the bachelors. Here's how they go about getting matched: Each man asks his favorite woman whether she'd like to be his wife. If she's single, she's got to say yes, at least for now. However, if she's already taken by some other man, she gets to choose the man she likes better, dumping her current squeeze if the newer one is higher on her list. If a man gets rejected, he's got to keep asking ladies farther down his list. Eventually they all get matched and married and live happily ever after.
Of course no one ever lives happily ever after. Who REALLY wins - the men or the women? Turns out the men always end up with with choices higher up on their lists than the women do.
But suppose the women aren't happy with the status quo. Suppose one woman, in particular, won't settle for less, and decides to play dirty. She lies on her preference list, switching the order of two prospective grooms, in the hope that somehow this system, this maddeningly misogynist algorithm, could be fooled into giving her the man of her dreams. Could she possibly succeed?
Let m_1, m_2, m_3 denote 3 males. Let w_1, w_2, w_3 denote 3 females.
This is their story.
- * -
With short blond hair loosely framing her soft features, Emma had the aura of a gentle girl. When she spoke, she almost always smiled brilliantly, flushing out her dimples and giving the effect that whatever she had to say came out friendly.
Madison, on the other hand, was dark haired, with the striking features of a model. Her eyes were always sparkling, as if there was some cunning plan always on the back of her mind.
Ava, the third girl, was by all accounts female.
Emma and Madison were comparing notes on their future husbands, in the house they shared with Ava. Ava was there, too.
Madison said, "I think Aiden's got his eye on you Emma. I'm jealous: He's so sweet! Plus he has a body to DIE for."
Emma shrugged. "Yeah, if you're in to that kind of thing. But I've got my heart set on Jacob," she said with a dreamy look on her face.
"Jacob? That jerk? He's scrawny!" Madison objected.
"But such sculpted cheeks!" Emma replied.
Ava, sitting in the corner, spoke up. "I heard Jacob has a motorcycle. I think that's interesting."
Emma and Madison stared at Ava, as if surprised to see her there.
"Be quiet Ava, no one cares what you think." Madison said, then turned back to Emma. "Too bad Jacob's got the hots for me. Bummer, huh?" she said.
"Jacob's not the only one after you," Emma put in, twirling with her hair. "I heard Gavin talking the other day about how you're the love of his life."
There was a pause as Emma and Madison looked at each other, and then they both burst out laughing.
"In his dreams!" Emma exclaimed.
"He's such a nerd," Madison put in.
"Yeah and a loser," Emma said.
"I think Gavin is -" Ava said.
"Shut up Ava, we don't give a shit," Emma said congenially.
"When that dork asks me to marry him," Madison went on, "I'm going to reject his ass."
"Yeah, even if we don't get our first choices, at least we're not going to end up with that dweeb." Emma said.
"Yeah..." Madison agrees, then trailed off as she frowned in concentration. "Wait a minute, I got an idea," she said.
Emma arched an eyebrow, "Is this like the time you tried to get Aiden to say 'sex'?"
"I think Aiden is very- " Ava piped up.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Emma screamed.
"Why don't you go tell your thoughts to someone who will listen to you, like your pet goldfish," Madison added.
After glaring at Ava for a few more seconds, Madison continued. "No, this is going to work. Tomorrow, when the boys start asking, I'm going to pretend that Gavin is my second choice."
"Over Jacob? ARE YOU INSANE?" Emma said, but Madison cut her off.
"Don't worry! When all the asking is done, Aiden will be my husband, and Jacob will be yours," Madison said.
"Oooooo!" Emma squealed, clapping enthusiastically. "And Gavin?"
"He'll still end up with Ava," Madison said with a smirk, and both Emma and Madison chuckle evilly.
Ava, mistaking the previous statement for an invitation to talk, said, "Well actually I think that plan is - " only to cut off as Emma raised her fist menacingly.
- * -
The next day, the three men appeared at the ladies' home, bearing flowers. Aiden wore a perfectly tailored suit that somehow accentuated his biceps. Jacob, in contrast, wore a black leather jacket and jeans. Gavin was wearing something he might have found in his mom's room. When they arrived they found the women in their bridal gowns, waiting expectantly.
Aiden went first. Stepping up to Emma, he bowed down low. "Dearest Emma, will you marry me?" he asked with a stately air.
Emma smiled sweetly, "Why of course I will. Until someone better comes along, that is."
Gavin went next. Smiling with a sleazy and utterly disgusting smile, he walked up to Madison. "Will you be mine, Madison?"
"Yeah...sure Gavin. That'd be great." Madison said, attempting not to grimace.
Then it was Jacob's turn. He eyed each of the ladies with a baleful air, then, after combing his hair with the black comb he carried around everywhere, he moseyed over to Madison.
"Madison, how about you drop that wuss and come home with me," he said, holding out his arm expectantly. Gavin gave him a pathetic glare.
Madison, however, gingerly touched Gavin's arm. "I prefer Gavin over you, Jacob." There was an exclamation of surprise from the three men. Gavin had his mouth open in a incredible display of geekdom.
Jacob eyed Madison suspiciously, "You serious, girl?"
Madison nodded, "Yes."
Gavin, who had finally closed his mouth and was looking rather smug, said, "Yeah, she likes me!"
Jacob said nothing for a moment, then shrugged. "Whatever," he said. "Emma? How about you and I get dirty tonight?"
Emma squealed, even more shrilly than she had the previous day. "Yes! Do me however you want!" she said, running over into Jacob's arms.
Aiden looked crestfallen for a moment, then said, "Well my father always said, if at first you are not successful, try something similar, yet not wholly unexpected." He turned to Madison, and, bowing low once again, he said, "Dearest Madison, will you marry me?"
Gavin, who was looking alarmed, attempted to speak, but was shoved aside into a nearby mudhole by the joyous Madison, who said, "Yes Aiden, I do!" Then Madison and Aiden and Emma and Jacob
started walking away, leaving Gavin sputtering in the mud and Ava looking amiable at the doorstep.
Gavin appeared to be in shock. He turned to Emma pleadingly. "Emma?"
Emma responded without breaking stride. "Gavin," Emma said, her voice like a thousand angelic choirs, "crawl into a hole and die."
How could this be? Gavin thought. He had been so happy when Madison had chosen him over Jacob, and he couldn't accept that he had still somehow ended with neither of his first two choices. "But she said 'yes' to me..." Gavin began.
Madison looked back, annoyed. "Don't act like you don't know how the algorithm works. Of course I would prefer Aiden over you." An impish smile grew on her face as she continued, "...and you know when I said I preferred you over Jacob? I WAS LYING. The truth is, I hate your loser guts!"
Emma, Aiden, and Jacob burst out laughing cruelly.
"Dork!" Emma shouted.
"Nerd!" scoffed Jacob.
"Gavin, you are a most pathetic individual," Aiden pointed out helpfully.
"You got punk'd, Gavin!" Madison screamed.
"You suck!" Emma added.
"You look better with the mud on you." Jacob said.
The two departing couples continued to insult Gavin until they were out of earshot, and probably even after that.
As Gavin sat dejected, Ava walked up to him.
"Looks like I'm your wife," Ava said. "Let's go inside and we can talk."
Gavin stared blankly at Ava for a few moments, having forgotten she was there. Then he grimaced.
"What for? No one cares what you think, Ava," he said.