An Update of Sorts
I’m unhappy now, and I have been so for the past few days. I feel like I’ve been unhappy many times so far in this semester and I think that I can describe how that is. I know that I am less interesting when I am unhappy, as my comments are invariably colored by severe self-pity and fatalism. Indeed, I’m pretty sure most of the good things about this semester have come from my “happy” periods; these are the times when I have made friends, completed my homework, and done well on tests. But I don’t think I’ve ever believed that I’ve obtained genuine happiness or even a guarantee against unhappiness, and that I am instead waiting to see if such a state will come to pass; this waiting could explain why I’ve posted nothing here for quite a while. Thus even though I have generally have little faith in the validity of my thoughts in unhappy states, I feel like I might as well voice them, in case any of them may provide escape or understanding.
The causes of my unhappiness are always obscured to me. I do think about how I get into these states, but I am never even slightly convinced with the validity of my conclusions. Perhaps it’s a grotesque inversion of my previous justification for optimism, or maybe it’s a clever subversion of rational thought. Mostly it’s an inchoate conviction. I won’t really bother with that now. Instead I’m going to focus on what life looks like from my eyes.
I’ve been talking to Courtney while I’ve been writing this, and she just told me to focus on my desires, not my feelings. So since I’ve lost my stomach to describe the nature of my feelings, I’ll just voice the simplistic desires I have:
I want to leave this college.
I want to feel loved.
I want to contribute to friendships in a meaningful and sustainable fashion, and I don’t want to feel like I burden people with my sadness.
I want to not be lonely.
I want to be able to hold onto and remember the knowledge I do have, and be in a position to obtain more.
I want to be able to think critically.
I want to have a vivid and productive imagination.
I want to have memorable experiences.
I want to feel like I know who I am.
I want to feel like I know where I am going.
I want to be able to write about my life with the conviction that I won’t go back and erase what I just wrote.
I want to love others.
I want to love the world.
I want to love my life.
There. That wasn’t so bad.
The causes of my unhappiness are always obscured to me. I do think about how I get into these states, but I am never even slightly convinced with the validity of my conclusions. Perhaps it’s a grotesque inversion of my previous justification for optimism, or maybe it’s a clever subversion of rational thought. Mostly it’s an inchoate conviction. I won’t really bother with that now. Instead I’m going to focus on what life looks like from my eyes.
I’ve been talking to Courtney while I’ve been writing this, and she just told me to focus on my desires, not my feelings. So since I’ve lost my stomach to describe the nature of my feelings, I’ll just voice the simplistic desires I have:
I want to leave this college.
I want to feel loved.
I want to contribute to friendships in a meaningful and sustainable fashion, and I don’t want to feel like I burden people with my sadness.
I want to not be lonely.
I want to be able to hold onto and remember the knowledge I do have, and be in a position to obtain more.
I want to be able to think critically.
I want to have a vivid and productive imagination.
I want to have memorable experiences.
I want to feel like I know who I am.
I want to feel like I know where I am going.
I want to be able to write about my life with the conviction that I won’t go back and erase what I just wrote.
I want to love others.
I want to love the world.
I want to love my life.
There. That wasn’t so bad.