(no subject)
Lately, ive been feeling like i'm not here. Everything is soft focused and hazy. Everyone around me feels so bright and loud that it almost hurts to be around people. Ive really only been able to stand being around the jess and the khans. and bits of mario here and there. It feels like I have to concentrate to even see anyone else. I thought i was hiding it just fine, but apparently im not because Sabiha asked me the other day what was wrong. And i didnt know what to say. How do i explain this? How do i say, sorry, im not here. check back later? I went in to the bn today, and I was talking to des, and i must have seemed like an idiot because I was always one step behind what she was saying. I had to widen my eyes and focus very hard on what she was saying in order to keep up.
I ditched out on the khans twice this week. And i want so badly to call and say, im sorry. But i dont know how to say WHY i didnt show up. cuz i dont even know why. What do i say? im sorry, because no matter how much i want to see you, i just cant make myself do anything. or fulfill any plan thats been made earlier than about two hours. but i did send an email, cuz theyre really too important for me to let them think that i just dont care. and i tried my best to explain this.
i had work today, and it was SO HARD to be there, and be in the moment and listen to what she was saying. and i tried to pretend i was engaged and would make a chirpy new employee, but i dont think she was buying it.
I hate this so much. I KNOW that there are things i want to accomplish and to achieve, but right now it feels like the only thing i can expend any effort is in trying to come off 'normal'. so that no one asks any questions. I desperately do not want to just lie in bed all day. so i make myself go to work. cuz at least im not a total bum. even if its a min wage job.
i made an appointment with a therapist for tuesday. Cuz this existence right now just sucks.
I ditched out on the khans twice this week. And i want so badly to call and say, im sorry. But i dont know how to say WHY i didnt show up. cuz i dont even know why. What do i say? im sorry, because no matter how much i want to see you, i just cant make myself do anything. or fulfill any plan thats been made earlier than about two hours. but i did send an email, cuz theyre really too important for me to let them think that i just dont care. and i tried my best to explain this.
i had work today, and it was SO HARD to be there, and be in the moment and listen to what she was saying. and i tried to pretend i was engaged and would make a chirpy new employee, but i dont think she was buying it.
I hate this so much. I KNOW that there are things i want to accomplish and to achieve, but right now it feels like the only thing i can expend any effort is in trying to come off 'normal'. so that no one asks any questions. I desperately do not want to just lie in bed all day. so i make myself go to work. cuz at least im not a total bum. even if its a min wage job.
i made an appointment with a therapist for tuesday. Cuz this existence right now just sucks.