to all the questions, i don't know, no, i don't know
i've been thinking in songs since last night. because i can't seem to form coherent thoughts on my own. and music speaks to me when i can't.
i think i'm still in shock. and disbelife. and they played the damn chasing cars song Twice at work today. not good.
renee (one of the servers) told me that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. which is pretty much my own philosphy when it comes to the whole dating/love thing. so i have to try to remember that. she said that maybe when he moves out there he'll realize how much he misses me, and something will happen then. i don't know. i Know he'll miss me, but i don't know if it'll be enough to change anything.
i wish i was more expressive. i've never been the overly demonstrative type. it can make me seem sort of aloof and cool, i think. but i don't think he has any idea of how much this hurts. i can't begin to explain to him how happy he makes me. and he said that sometimes he wonders if he's good enough for me. which is bullshit. he's good enough for me because I Chose him.
so he has been distancing himself from me, because he didn't know how to tell me. i want to know how long this has been the plan. he told me in sept that he was taking a three week route in october, and going out to colorado. was that part of the reason he took the route, as well as visiting his dad?
and through our whole relationship, he's said things like "oh, when you are on your spring break, you'll have to come out on the road for a week" and when i went dancing with courtney the one night, and i told him about that, he said that we would have to go one night.
that's why it seemed so sudden, because when you say stuff like that, it sounds like you're planning on sticking around for a while. at least it does to me.
but he probably doesn't remember that. i'm the one that remembers stupid little bits of conversations from months ago.
renee also said that if he's one of these real cautious guys (and tiff said something similar), maybe he's just waiting to see how i took the news before bringing up the possibility of me comming with him. lord knows, it took him step by step to ask me out. he's one of these "i've been hurt before, i have trouble with walls" guys.
maybe i could just give him a trial period. like, go out there for the summer, two months, see if i like it enough to move.
yeah, i really like him alot. i'm seriously considering a cross-country move. me=hopeless and helpless.
also, a side note to everyone. the phrase "it's not you, it's me" doesn't make ANYONE feel better. never Ever say it to someone. unless you don't like them.
renee also told me i have handwriting like a child. it's true too.
i was supposed to be at work until 8. but i had a headache and i was tired, and tiff asked if i could go. maybe i should have stayed. it would have distracted me somewhat. but that's part of the problem with my job. i'm up at the door all day, all alone, with nothing but the feed station and my thoughts to keep my company. and i'd just start randomely thinking about it today.
i didn't get much sleep last night. i couldn't even concentrate on my book. and the picture of the two of us on my nightstand.
i've never been one of those couples, that all my friends seem to be. you never see them without their other half. not that i mind that. but i've never had that. i want someone that i can wake up to in the morning, fall asleep with...
so i was trying not to cry on the phone with him. biting my lip. a few times, i came really close. but i didn't. until i got off the phone. and then it was a mess.
i didn't even ask where this relationship is going. i don't know what it means, i don't know what he wants. does he want something long distance like that? or when january comes, is that it? nice knowing you, fun while it lasted, see you around?
he said he wants to see me the next time he's in town. i hope i pull myself together by then, and i don't fall apart on him. but i think i might.
and now i'm really anxious to set up this week on the road with him. but i don't know if it's a good idea.
i just don't know anymore.
tiff brought me chocolates at work today. yum. comfort food. =)
so that's it, in a nutshell. that's the story.
i think i'm still in shock. and disbelife. and they played the damn chasing cars song Twice at work today. not good.
renee (one of the servers) told me that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. which is pretty much my own philosphy when it comes to the whole dating/love thing. so i have to try to remember that. she said that maybe when he moves out there he'll realize how much he misses me, and something will happen then. i don't know. i Know he'll miss me, but i don't know if it'll be enough to change anything.
i wish i was more expressive. i've never been the overly demonstrative type. it can make me seem sort of aloof and cool, i think. but i don't think he has any idea of how much this hurts. i can't begin to explain to him how happy he makes me. and he said that sometimes he wonders if he's good enough for me. which is bullshit. he's good enough for me because I Chose him.
so he has been distancing himself from me, because he didn't know how to tell me. i want to know how long this has been the plan. he told me in sept that he was taking a three week route in october, and going out to colorado. was that part of the reason he took the route, as well as visiting his dad?
and through our whole relationship, he's said things like "oh, when you are on your spring break, you'll have to come out on the road for a week" and when i went dancing with courtney the one night, and i told him about that, he said that we would have to go one night.
that's why it seemed so sudden, because when you say stuff like that, it sounds like you're planning on sticking around for a while. at least it does to me.
but he probably doesn't remember that. i'm the one that remembers stupid little bits of conversations from months ago.
renee also said that if he's one of these real cautious guys (and tiff said something similar), maybe he's just waiting to see how i took the news before bringing up the possibility of me comming with him. lord knows, it took him step by step to ask me out. he's one of these "i've been hurt before, i have trouble with walls" guys.
maybe i could just give him a trial period. like, go out there for the summer, two months, see if i like it enough to move.
yeah, i really like him alot. i'm seriously considering a cross-country move. me=hopeless and helpless.
also, a side note to everyone. the phrase "it's not you, it's me" doesn't make ANYONE feel better. never Ever say it to someone. unless you don't like them.
renee also told me i have handwriting like a child. it's true too.
i was supposed to be at work until 8. but i had a headache and i was tired, and tiff asked if i could go. maybe i should have stayed. it would have distracted me somewhat. but that's part of the problem with my job. i'm up at the door all day, all alone, with nothing but the feed station and my thoughts to keep my company. and i'd just start randomely thinking about it today.
i didn't get much sleep last night. i couldn't even concentrate on my book. and the picture of the two of us on my nightstand.
i've never been one of those couples, that all my friends seem to be. you never see them without their other half. not that i mind that. but i've never had that. i want someone that i can wake up to in the morning, fall asleep with...
so i was trying not to cry on the phone with him. biting my lip. a few times, i came really close. but i didn't. until i got off the phone. and then it was a mess.
i didn't even ask where this relationship is going. i don't know what it means, i don't know what he wants. does he want something long distance like that? or when january comes, is that it? nice knowing you, fun while it lasted, see you around?
he said he wants to see me the next time he's in town. i hope i pull myself together by then, and i don't fall apart on him. but i think i might.
and now i'm really anxious to set up this week on the road with him. but i don't know if it's a good idea.
i just don't know anymore.
tiff brought me chocolates at work today. yum. comfort food. =)
so that's it, in a nutshell. that's the story.