just need to vent
this economy is teaching me a lesson
a lesson about expectations.
turns out, i am used to getting what i want!
i never thought about it much but it has become clear that i had formed a basic life plan - a set of expectations and desires that i planned to fulfill
i didn't even realize it until it was denied
like it never crossed my mind that i wouldn't be able to get a teaching job after finishing my master's
it never really crossed my mind that i wouldn't be able to get some kind of job to pay the bills
but it has been months of frustration and rejection and there is still no job for meg.
and during the job searching i've suddenly found myself in the most satisfying mature and perfect relationship i can imagine, living in a real house that needs lots of work, and without deciding, i seem to have become a grown-up!
i can't even wrap my mind around it all - but i do feel different. i feel like i experience the world in a more realistic and practical way. like somehow i have shed some lingering childishness and face the truth.
i have Richie to thank for that, at least in part, and i am grateful.
he said "you won't be happy until you get what you need. not what you want, but what you need. and you won't get what you need unless you provide some of it for yourself."
i said, "ok what do you think i need?"
he replied, "well clean clothes and dishes for starters..."
and we laughed
but he was right. i had to accept that i have to do these things for myself. if i want to have people over and for them to be comfortable etc, then i have to clean the house. and if i want clean clothes, i have to wash them - and i do need clean clothes.
and even though it still seems overwhelming sometimes, i'm getting used to it.
so now i kind of actually want to take on the adult responsibilities - home owning and family and hosting and just handling my shit like a grown-up
BUT i can't!
the driest job market is defeating me
who would have thought that i wouldn't be able to achieve the basic middle-class american lifestyle?
i'm not asking for 6 figures here people!
i just want to be able to pay half the mortgage on a very affordable little house and get a shitty used car and pay my cell phone bills, plus have insurance
is that too much to ask?
how is it that in our great nation someone as smart and educated and competent and socially-skilled as me can't get a job?
not as a teacher, not as a teacher's aide, not as a nanny, not even as a sales associate at Michael's crafts store!!!!!
its never been this hard for me
i wanted to go to my high school and i got in and my parents paid
i wanted to go to a small liberal arts college in the midwest, i got into all 5 that i applied to, i chose knox and my parents paid and the goiv't loaned me the rest
i graduated with a decent 3.4 GPA and i was able to get decent/good jobs until i decided i wanted to teach
so i applied to a master's program, got in and started classes like 3 weeks later (the gov't loaned me all the money this time)
i graduated that program in 2 years with a very decent 3.9 GPA
and then NOTHING
full stop
why has my life derailed? follow the plan!
fuck
a lesson about expectations.
turns out, i am used to getting what i want!
i never thought about it much but it has become clear that i had formed a basic life plan - a set of expectations and desires that i planned to fulfill
i didn't even realize it until it was denied
like it never crossed my mind that i wouldn't be able to get a teaching job after finishing my master's
it never really crossed my mind that i wouldn't be able to get some kind of job to pay the bills
but it has been months of frustration and rejection and there is still no job for meg.
and during the job searching i've suddenly found myself in the most satisfying mature and perfect relationship i can imagine, living in a real house that needs lots of work, and without deciding, i seem to have become a grown-up!
i can't even wrap my mind around it all - but i do feel different. i feel like i experience the world in a more realistic and practical way. like somehow i have shed some lingering childishness and face the truth.
i have Richie to thank for that, at least in part, and i am grateful.
he said "you won't be happy until you get what you need. not what you want, but what you need. and you won't get what you need unless you provide some of it for yourself."
i said, "ok what do you think i need?"
he replied, "well clean clothes and dishes for starters..."
and we laughed
but he was right. i had to accept that i have to do these things for myself. if i want to have people over and for them to be comfortable etc, then i have to clean the house. and if i want clean clothes, i have to wash them - and i do need clean clothes.
and even though it still seems overwhelming sometimes, i'm getting used to it.
so now i kind of actually want to take on the adult responsibilities - home owning and family and hosting and just handling my shit like a grown-up
BUT i can't!
the driest job market is defeating me
who would have thought that i wouldn't be able to achieve the basic middle-class american lifestyle?
i'm not asking for 6 figures here people!
i just want to be able to pay half the mortgage on a very affordable little house and get a shitty used car and pay my cell phone bills, plus have insurance
is that too much to ask?
how is it that in our great nation someone as smart and educated and competent and socially-skilled as me can't get a job?
not as a teacher, not as a teacher's aide, not as a nanny, not even as a sales associate at Michael's crafts store!!!!!
its never been this hard for me
i wanted to go to my high school and i got in and my parents paid
i wanted to go to a small liberal arts college in the midwest, i got into all 5 that i applied to, i chose knox and my parents paid and the goiv't loaned me the rest
i graduated with a decent 3.4 GPA and i was able to get decent/good jobs until i decided i wanted to teach
so i applied to a master's program, got in and started classes like 3 weeks later (the gov't loaned me all the money this time)
i graduated that program in 2 years with a very decent 3.9 GPA
and then NOTHING
full stop
why has my life derailed? follow the plan!
fuck