Typing with Red Paint on My Hands
"it's sad really, i've found the love of my life and he doesn't love me. until i get over him, no one else stands a chance."
that is a line from 4 weddings and a funeral, spoken by kristen scott thomas' character and the moment i heard it, i knew it fit me perfectly...
until i pondered it later and realized it fit me, but i didn't know to which love it applied to. so here's the ever complicated question. we all wonder what happens when we've passed over or lost the love of our life. is there another love or are you destined to be alone? well what happens when you have found two men, both of which you think are the love of your life and you cannot have either? and by cannot have i mean in no world would a happy relationship exist for either relationship. do you chalk it off as not meant to be and therefore they could not have been the love(s) of your life? or does it count and are fate, destiny, reality, and/or whatever other powers there are tellling me it's over. are they telling me that i've missed my boat and now i'll wander the shore alone until i am capable of crossing the river alone? and let's face it, if i figure out a way to cross the river by myself i'll have found such an solid independence that i'll have no desire to have someone come in a complicate things. aye, there's the rub.
during ra training, i had to make a collage (it wasn't much of a chore, collaging has become my only asthetically pleasing form of visual art and i love it) and i glued to it a small cut-out that said "strictly sex." at first glance i had chosen it because everyone knows what a sex-maniac i am and how perversly minded i am, so i thought we'd all get a good laugh from it. looking over it again, before it was my turn to present, it struck me. that's all intercourse is to me. it is strictly sex. i have always left all form of emotion out of sex. i have never looked at someone while making love with them and gone, "my god, i love this person," and that is when it occured to me. i've never been in love. i just found two men, so wonderful and so perfect for me, that i convinced myself that i was in love with them because i wanted to be. i would have loved to be in love with them, but it wasn't there. not in me, not in them. so all this time i have dragged myself through an unneeded turmoil all because i couldn't face the fact that i didn't love anyone as much as i let myself and others think that i did. is that cold or just typical for my age? i can't tell. i don't know.
i've come to lose all the answers i've known to this point. a year ago, i wanted to be a broadway actress, now the thought of being that famous makes me consider becoming a hermit. i still want to be a blues singer, but one of mild fame. i am strongly considering entering the field of psychology but i cannot decide whether to persue human sexuality, criminal psych, or juvenile psych (the last having a concentration in behavioral disorders and criminal tendencies), or maybe a combination of the first two to study the minds of sexually-related criminals and crimes. i want every day to be a challenge. i want to go home at night hating myself for getting myself into this job, but knowing that i am doing something incredible for someone, somewhere. maybe i'll go into sexual psych and help the uninformed get informed and continue the fight against aids, unwanted pregnancies, and sexual abuse. maybe i'll become a social worker and save innocent children from the monsters that brought them into the world already hated and unwanted. fuck. 19, a sophomore in college, and just now realizing that everything i thought i wanted is nothing that i want at all. how fucking typical is that? so much for my battle to be as far away and different from others as possible.
ten truths about me (in no particular order:
1.) i used to want 6 children, now i'm afraid to have any because i don't want them to turn out like me.
2.) i don't want to get married because i've lost everyone i've ever said i'd be there forever for. i'm afraid i'd be lying when i say i'll love you forever.
3.) i'm ridiculously self-conscious about my body.
4.) i miss nyc and wish to god i'd never left.
5.) i hate being watched/stared at or asked what's on my mind. that damn fishbowl thing.
6.) i relate to the nineties and its music so well because it's cheesy and over-analytical just like i am.
7.) i like tattoos and piercings (aside from finding them eye-catching and attractive) because it's the one thing i can committ to and suffer through the pain of achieving without regret.
8.) i prefer to date guys who are sarcastic assholes because i know that when i leave them i won't feel as badly about it.
9.) i gravitate towards people with issues because helping them makes me forget about mine. i suppose that's using people, but i'm not sure.
10.) the wish i make everytime i see a shooting star, blow out a candle, or see an 11:11, is to go back in time to the age 13 (god help me) with all the knowledge and ability i currently possess and try all over again. i would do almost everything differently.
i'm exhausted, but slightly cheered by talking to nick and re-connecting with kristen and iris all whom i miss incredibly like the rest of the people who are in and out of my life. miss and love you all.
peace, love, and pondering.
-v-
oh, and please don't comment on this post. i didn't write any of this to fish for compliments or to be contradicted. that is how i feel and i don't want people attempting to convince me otherwise. thank you.
that is a line from 4 weddings and a funeral, spoken by kristen scott thomas' character and the moment i heard it, i knew it fit me perfectly...
until i pondered it later and realized it fit me, but i didn't know to which love it applied to. so here's the ever complicated question. we all wonder what happens when we've passed over or lost the love of our life. is there another love or are you destined to be alone? well what happens when you have found two men, both of which you think are the love of your life and you cannot have either? and by cannot have i mean in no world would a happy relationship exist for either relationship. do you chalk it off as not meant to be and therefore they could not have been the love(s) of your life? or does it count and are fate, destiny, reality, and/or whatever other powers there are tellling me it's over. are they telling me that i've missed my boat and now i'll wander the shore alone until i am capable of crossing the river alone? and let's face it, if i figure out a way to cross the river by myself i'll have found such an solid independence that i'll have no desire to have someone come in a complicate things. aye, there's the rub.
during ra training, i had to make a collage (it wasn't much of a chore, collaging has become my only asthetically pleasing form of visual art and i love it) and i glued to it a small cut-out that said "strictly sex." at first glance i had chosen it because everyone knows what a sex-maniac i am and how perversly minded i am, so i thought we'd all get a good laugh from it. looking over it again, before it was my turn to present, it struck me. that's all intercourse is to me. it is strictly sex. i have always left all form of emotion out of sex. i have never looked at someone while making love with them and gone, "my god, i love this person," and that is when it occured to me. i've never been in love. i just found two men, so wonderful and so perfect for me, that i convinced myself that i was in love with them because i wanted to be. i would have loved to be in love with them, but it wasn't there. not in me, not in them. so all this time i have dragged myself through an unneeded turmoil all because i couldn't face the fact that i didn't love anyone as much as i let myself and others think that i did. is that cold or just typical for my age? i can't tell. i don't know.
i've come to lose all the answers i've known to this point. a year ago, i wanted to be a broadway actress, now the thought of being that famous makes me consider becoming a hermit. i still want to be a blues singer, but one of mild fame. i am strongly considering entering the field of psychology but i cannot decide whether to persue human sexuality, criminal psych, or juvenile psych (the last having a concentration in behavioral disorders and criminal tendencies), or maybe a combination of the first two to study the minds of sexually-related criminals and crimes. i want every day to be a challenge. i want to go home at night hating myself for getting myself into this job, but knowing that i am doing something incredible for someone, somewhere. maybe i'll go into sexual psych and help the uninformed get informed and continue the fight against aids, unwanted pregnancies, and sexual abuse. maybe i'll become a social worker and save innocent children from the monsters that brought them into the world already hated and unwanted. fuck. 19, a sophomore in college, and just now realizing that everything i thought i wanted is nothing that i want at all. how fucking typical is that? so much for my battle to be as far away and different from others as possible.
ten truths about me (in no particular order:
1.) i used to want 6 children, now i'm afraid to have any because i don't want them to turn out like me.
2.) i don't want to get married because i've lost everyone i've ever said i'd be there forever for. i'm afraid i'd be lying when i say i'll love you forever.
3.) i'm ridiculously self-conscious about my body.
4.) i miss nyc and wish to god i'd never left.
5.) i hate being watched/stared at or asked what's on my mind. that damn fishbowl thing.
6.) i relate to the nineties and its music so well because it's cheesy and over-analytical just like i am.
7.) i like tattoos and piercings (aside from finding them eye-catching and attractive) because it's the one thing i can committ to and suffer through the pain of achieving without regret.
8.) i prefer to date guys who are sarcastic assholes because i know that when i leave them i won't feel as badly about it.
9.) i gravitate towards people with issues because helping them makes me forget about mine. i suppose that's using people, but i'm not sure.
10.) the wish i make everytime i see a shooting star, blow out a candle, or see an 11:11, is to go back in time to the age 13 (god help me) with all the knowledge and ability i currently possess and try all over again. i would do almost everything differently.
i'm exhausted, but slightly cheered by talking to nick and re-connecting with kristen and iris all whom i miss incredibly like the rest of the people who are in and out of my life. miss and love you all.
peace, love, and pondering.
-v-
oh, and please don't comment on this post. i didn't write any of this to fish for compliments or to be contradicted. that is how i feel and i don't want people attempting to convince me otherwise. thank you.