I don't want to stop trying.
But at some point, you just have to call it quits. There's no saving a relationship unless both of you want to save it. There is no understanding from Chris's end. I love the fuck out of him but it's never going to work. He needs to grow up. He's acting the victim to all my of friends, even when he hits me, and is turning them away from me. He has become toxic for me and I need to realize that. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to face that reality,but its time. It's extremely unfortunate but I know what needs to be done. I have to let him go for my own sanity. It's never going to work. He still has his bags packed. The space I gave him for his clothes and belonging has been emptied since last night when I told him that if he leaves to not come back. He continue to pack... He couldn't choke down his pride and understand that I wasn't kidding. I fell asleep before I actually saw him leave or else I would not have let him back in. He could have cuddled up to his pride if he felt scared or alone.
That sounds insensitive but I can't take it anymore. I'm at my brink. He justifies every fucking action he does. This attitude I have stemmed (this time...) from him approaching doing porn. He doesn't tell me that this is what he has been working on in the corner for the entire day then tries to excuse it by saying he brought it up only because Wade and I were discussing going to south Florida. The actual truth was that might have been a passing subject but we were planning on heading back to the casino in Tampa. I cannot take his fucking deflecting ass anymore. He won't own shit. He is way too much of a child for me. He needs to grow the fuck up. He was willing to take $250 a shoot so he could make a name for himself. When did I sign on for dating a porn star? I didn't. I wouldn't. Not in this state of constant mistrust. He sits with his back to the corner not allowing an opportunity to see his screen. Then he brings it up to Wade and not me, I think first but honestly, I am unsure. The proper way to approach to your significant other that porn is in your mind is to work through the idea with me. He rationalized it to that I'm okay with him tricking. Let's get something very clear: I am not okay with him tricking. I was willing to understand if he needs to make money if he fucking approached it properly, but the way he wants to approach it is to not tell me what the fuck is going on until he's fucked up on GHB. Then he shoots up out of bed and says he's going to shower and "fix a guys leaky faucet". Yet he doesn't know anyone in town. Doesn't bother to tell me that he re-downloaded grindr let alone is advertising that he needs to find work on it. I can't take this shit anymore. He wants to talk about trust, fuck you and your fucking trust asshole. You're trying to tear it away then act like you've done fucking nothing. I'm tired of you making me feel this way then playing a victim, turning my fucking friends away from me. You're a piece of shit for that. You could have admitted your mistakes and we could have moved on. You being unwilling, I will not be willing to move forward. This means more to me than your immature self will ever understand. This is the type of behavior that made me feel that you were lying to me when I asked you over and over "are you sure you don't want to a shot?" this is the same shit that made me boil inside. That made me think how little you respect me. The thing that made me go against everything I have ever thought was wrong: cheating. In my head, I thought that you weren't going to treat me like that anymore, lie directly to my face. Nothing about John filling a shot when he got back in the room and i was in the bathroom makes sense. You want to deny it? You asked him if the shot was yours once already before you went in the bathroom. He responded loud enough for me to hear that it wasn't yours. I'm so goddamn over this whole relationship, yet i love you so much I was trying to listen to you and hear you out. Unfortunately, you're incapable of hearing my problems with you. I cannot stand this anymore. You're driving me to the brink of insanity with your shitty attitude. I wish we could have made it work. Again, i hope you love you pride more than me. Good luck.