FCAT doesn't teach this kind of comprehension... sorry about the length...
I wish that I could understand what to do. Lately, I've been expecting myself to fuck up... but... everytime I make a mistake, I don't regret it. The reaction is more like an, "Oh well... what can I do..." and well... what can I do?
Continuously treating people like shit seems like the right answer... and even though I know it's not, I still go with "what else should I do?" mentality. I'm kind of envisioning the end of my high school career as an ending point of this part of my life- I guess that's what it is/should be considered as. A point where I'll be able to leave most of everything behind except a few people/things. My mind set is not to make new friends... it's more like trying to keep the ones I have now. Life is becoming more of an organized mess... but I still haven't found my future... it doesn't seem important...
I think silence is only something you can share with someone special. Words aren't always the way to go. Sometimes silence says more than the most vivid descriptions. I like sharing that silence with people- where you don't have to say anything for that person to understand what you're feeling or thinking. It's good (maybe not the feeling, but the fact that it is good) to just... exist...
or sometimes, not exist. I've tried to put you out of my mind... but I can't. You're like a candle that still shimmers even though you've metled away into nothing. I've been trying to figure out why the hell that is but it requires all kinds of science and math (dealing with wormholes and black matter or whatever)... it's not working, everyone knows I'm no scientist.
there's also that feeling of peace... where you feel like you have discovered/accomplished something that will make you a better person. This feeling is temporary... rewarding but dissapointing all at the same time. Most of these life-changing discoveries are soon added to a list of things that need to be done... but it's the ones that we do bother with that make it all worth while.
and then sometimes, it's better to just be there... seeing her cry today made everything so real... it made me realize she needs something to hold on to. She's a sweater on a clothes line during a neverending hurricane. I'm her clothes pin... or atleast, I want to be... I guess it's actually that something needs to hold on to her... so she doesn't fly away...
Although this makes sense to me, I'm going to stop because I don't remember where the hell I'm headed. I think I'm kind of disapointed in myself for a number of things... Maybe for not saying I love you when I should have... maybe for saying I love you when I shouldn't have... but maybe I did everything just right- it doesn't change the fact that I want to be sorry.
Continuously treating people like shit seems like the right answer... and even though I know it's not, I still go with "what else should I do?" mentality. I'm kind of envisioning the end of my high school career as an ending point of this part of my life- I guess that's what it is/should be considered as. A point where I'll be able to leave most of everything behind except a few people/things. My mind set is not to make new friends... it's more like trying to keep the ones I have now. Life is becoming more of an organized mess... but I still haven't found my future... it doesn't seem important...
I think silence is only something you can share with someone special. Words aren't always the way to go. Sometimes silence says more than the most vivid descriptions. I like sharing that silence with people- where you don't have to say anything for that person to understand what you're feeling or thinking. It's good (maybe not the feeling, but the fact that it is good) to just... exist...
or sometimes, not exist. I've tried to put you out of my mind... but I can't. You're like a candle that still shimmers even though you've metled away into nothing. I've been trying to figure out why the hell that is but it requires all kinds of science and math (dealing with wormholes and black matter or whatever)... it's not working, everyone knows I'm no scientist.
there's also that feeling of peace... where you feel like you have discovered/accomplished something that will make you a better person. This feeling is temporary... rewarding but dissapointing all at the same time. Most of these life-changing discoveries are soon added to a list of things that need to be done... but it's the ones that we do bother with that make it all worth while.
and then sometimes, it's better to just be there... seeing her cry today made everything so real... it made me realize she needs something to hold on to. She's a sweater on a clothes line during a neverending hurricane. I'm her clothes pin... or atleast, I want to be... I guess it's actually that something needs to hold on to her... so she doesn't fly away...
Although this makes sense to me, I'm going to stop because I don't remember where the hell I'm headed. I think I'm kind of disapointed in myself for a number of things... Maybe for not saying I love you when I should have... maybe for saying I love you when I shouldn't have... but maybe I did everything just right- it doesn't change the fact that I want to be sorry.