I get home from vacation just in time to see that my city's in the national news yet again for something stupid. And by national news, I mean someone sent it to Dave Barry and he posted it on his blog. Anyway, this is what I'm talking about - the video of a snake on someone's car in traffic:
Video in Question Now, you may be wondering, "Why the hell didn't these people just pull over and get rid of the snake?" I'll tell you why: Memphis Drivers. They are, hands down, the most stupid and inconsiderate drivers in the world. (Yes, even worse than Miami, Dave. I'm sure of it.) If this lady had signaled to be let over into the far right lane, she would have been prevented from doing so by a steady stream of cars driven by people who would rather die via pitchfork to the gut than yield and let her over.
And if by some miracle she DID manage to pull over to the shoulder, I guara-god-damn-tee you that she would have been stuck there forever, that is, if she valued the lives of her family. Otherwise she would have been putting them all at risk for serious injury or death by attempting to get back on the highway.
Let me tell you something about that particular stretch of road she was on. It's called Sam Cooper Boulevard. The eastbound lanes - the ones she was driving on - eventually turn into Interstate 40. The speed limit on that particular part of Sam Cooper is officially 55 mph, but no one ever drives this slow unless they have reason to believe there are cops patrolling the area, and even then they may chance it. In my own personal experience, the actual speed everyone's driving is anywhere from 65-80 mph. On average. Of course there's people who are soooooo much more important than everyone else that asking them to drive anywhere NEAR the speed limit is a personal insult.
Now that's problematic enough if everyone around you is driving, say, a Honda Accord. But roughly half of Memphis Drivers insist on driving vehicles that are too large for them to see around. It's very common to see men driving Ford F-350s and souped-up Dodge Rams who probably don't ever haul anything heavier than a watermelon. No, I take that back, they probably DO need all that engine power to cart around those giant speakers in the back that play the worst music you ever heard at top volume. It's also very common to see women driving giant gas-guzzling SUVs with Christian fish and soccer team decals all over them who don't give a shit about your safety as long as they and their brood get their way. They feel free to drive on any part of the road they want and talk on their cell phone the whole time they're doing it.
And they're not large cars, but don't get me started on ANYONE of either gender who drives a Jeep. Fuck them ALL. And if you personally drive a Jeep and are offended by what I just said, do something about it. Specifically, round up your fellow Jeep drivers and fucking teach them how to drive. Use hand puppets if necessary. If that fails, then do us all a favor and take away their keys.
Anyway, my point is, if this lady had tried to do the sensible thing and pull over, she would have been dealing with rude idiots driving humongous vehicles as fast as they feel they can possibly get away with. Her car most likely would have been hit and mass carnage would ensue. Just to deal with a damn snake, of which there are plenty in Memphis and the surrounding area.
I don't hate snakes, honestly. I actually think they're pretty cool. But I don't like one individual snake enough to jeopardize everyone in the car just to pull over and put it on the side of the road. Especially that road, where the poor snake would probably get run over a few minutes later anyway. Were it a road that was less traveled, or if my fellow motorists weren't so damned conceited and/or stupid, sure I'd pull over. But based on my experience with this road and drivers around here in general, I'm not harshly judging this lady for her reaction.
Sorry, snake. Sorry, strangers on the internet rooting for the snake. That's how I feel about it.
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*deep breath*
...how the hell did a video about a snake turn into a rant on traffic that took an hour to write??
...furthermore, why did I care about it so much to write said rant?
...
...I'm not sure, but man, that was cathartic.
8/9 ETA: See, even
CNBC agrees that Memphis is one of the worst cities to drive in.