The ultimate...
Many things have happened over many years. In a way the result left me a husk, a shadow of what I was, what my potential is. Today I start to come out of hiding, to cast of the cloaks of darkness and deception and all their masks to become once again renewed. Over the years I had gone from darkness to light and back to darkness again. This is something of a norm in human psychology, reaping what is sowed as it were. As a child I faced challenges that I was often blamed for but were often not my own hand, but a hand guided by others whose intentions were unknown and not understood to me. I was separated from my biological parents, tossed into foster care at the age of 4. In this first foster home were many others, including my immediate 2 younger siblings. Some of the others were older girls (tweens/pre-teens) who sexually used/abused us. I received the blunt of the blame and I fought back, despite my sexually reactive behaviour (as it is now known and recognized). I was (and my siblings too) tossed between several foster homes and biological parents for a few years. We were bribed to lie that our biological parents were abusing us far more than they did (they did believe in the wooden spoon). As a result we ended up in permanent care and separated into different homes. I even ended up in a group home because I was so angry at all the crap… One day though, I largely gave in, some switch flicked in my head somewhere. I found some stability just before turning 13; I ended up in a home that was a real home. Sure there were moments of disagreements. This lead to a nice plateau later on where the seeds waited to germinate. Alas their time came with tragedy of the emotional loss of denial of being with romantically loved ones in early November 2003. This caused what I now know to be a panic attack, and was the descent back into darkness. The seeds of an abusive childhood had sprung to life within me. The seeds unfortunately were rather choking weeds that largely outnumbered the real productive crops of my mind. When I would reach out for help, they would poison my intent. When I cried, they laughed, when I loved, they hated. That was until at last, I largely could not feel anymore. I had succumbed, feeling helpless, powerless, useless, but somehow with a drive to just survive, no matter what it took. This survival was largely empty, but necessary nonetheless. I had become the very monster I told myself I’d never become. The very monster I had feared.
Despite this, I was still loved intimately, by few, but still loved. I have loved far more and have lost much of those I love, for they could not bear to see me drown in my pain and they would also not be drowned. I found myself becoming more sensitive to being around other people, only able to take small doses at a time most of the time. I became rather forgetful, very unwise, and felt a loss of intelligence overall. I also became increasingly busy, unable to say no most of the time. With that, the increased busyness made me more remote to others, but ultimately to myself.
Now, it’s time for a change. It’s time to weed that garden and try to see what beauty is left. It’s time to reach into my potential. It’s time to reconnect with myself so that I can reconnect with others. It’s time to burn the crap of the past and of the present for a better present and even for a real future. This realization has I think been brewing in fleeting moments for a while, but always was pushed back into the recesses of my mind and heart for it was too strong to deal with. I was (and still am (but working on it)) in a thick numbing suit of armour that was meant to protect me. Alas, I now see that the armour just made me so impenetrable that people looked away with their own methods of doing so. I like clear and honest communication. I realize though that sometimes we need to run for a while before we are able to face ourselves and those around us. We need to sit and think, to deliberate and plan before we address. This change starts with a letter from a most beloved one in my life. In this letter it was stated in such a tone that our relationship is not what it was anymore. It was stated in such a way that I just could not ignore. It brought tears to my eyes, real tears, which are falling even as I write this. The thought of losing a beautiful relationship that began at the end of November 2003, at a time where heart and head were swapping between wisdom and love to despair and anguish, was too much to bear. This person is my last real remaining aspiration to my survival right now it feels like. This person was one I dreamed of settling down with as soon as possible. This all came under threat. This threat has caused 2 reactions within me. One the sadness of everything I have had to face. And two, the desire to write this down and turn this ship around for the better.
Over the years I have dealt with confusion from the masks of pain, goofiness, etc. I have had to deal with seemingly unstable sexuality as well. For quite some time I was unstable in that. I have a conservative upbringing that was influential and in contrast to what I desired in a mate. Alas, that battle has been settled with some awkward moments. I am pansexual (think bisexual but inclusive of transsexuals/transgendered people) and love it. I still do suffer from some shame of this, but the shame is much duller than it was before. I assure you this battle was extremely difficult to me, and to many I have loved (and lost).
For this, I submit my formal apology and just ask people to reflect on their experience with me, and to reflect on this journal. I am deeply sorry to you all, and most importantly deeply sorry to myself. I include apologizing to myself because I ran away from all that I was to become a nobody. I apologize to others for hurting them, bogging them down, being too needy (sexually and emotionally), being too desperate, being too lost and confused, being too blind, being too detached, and not being too available (emotionally, and communicatively).
I do need help, I need support, I need hugs. I am getting therapy for my anxiety disorder (post-traumatic stress disorder) that lead to all of this getting way out of control. I want to, and need to stop being so deeply afraid of everything, and so I shall fight the good fight.
Alas, thanks to the one who sent the letter, for giving me that slap in the face of aspiration to become myself for me.
I plan to try meditating as often as I can, for I have often been told that is the key to myself. I shall now use that key as fearlessly as I can, with ever growing confidence that I can. Where I’ve been doesn’t matter so much anymore. Where I want to go does.
Also I want to thank those that have stuck with me, and I hope they will continue to stick with me as I seek change to be who I am supposed to be (as opposed to being who I was told I was).
Despite this, I was still loved intimately, by few, but still loved. I have loved far more and have lost much of those I love, for they could not bear to see me drown in my pain and they would also not be drowned. I found myself becoming more sensitive to being around other people, only able to take small doses at a time most of the time. I became rather forgetful, very unwise, and felt a loss of intelligence overall. I also became increasingly busy, unable to say no most of the time. With that, the increased busyness made me more remote to others, but ultimately to myself.
Now, it’s time for a change. It’s time to weed that garden and try to see what beauty is left. It’s time to reach into my potential. It’s time to reconnect with myself so that I can reconnect with others. It’s time to burn the crap of the past and of the present for a better present and even for a real future. This realization has I think been brewing in fleeting moments for a while, but always was pushed back into the recesses of my mind and heart for it was too strong to deal with. I was (and still am (but working on it)) in a thick numbing suit of armour that was meant to protect me. Alas, I now see that the armour just made me so impenetrable that people looked away with their own methods of doing so. I like clear and honest communication. I realize though that sometimes we need to run for a while before we are able to face ourselves and those around us. We need to sit and think, to deliberate and plan before we address. This change starts with a letter from a most beloved one in my life. In this letter it was stated in such a tone that our relationship is not what it was anymore. It was stated in such a way that I just could not ignore. It brought tears to my eyes, real tears, which are falling even as I write this. The thought of losing a beautiful relationship that began at the end of November 2003, at a time where heart and head were swapping between wisdom and love to despair and anguish, was too much to bear. This person is my last real remaining aspiration to my survival right now it feels like. This person was one I dreamed of settling down with as soon as possible. This all came under threat. This threat has caused 2 reactions within me. One the sadness of everything I have had to face. And two, the desire to write this down and turn this ship around for the better.
Over the years I have dealt with confusion from the masks of pain, goofiness, etc. I have had to deal with seemingly unstable sexuality as well. For quite some time I was unstable in that. I have a conservative upbringing that was influential and in contrast to what I desired in a mate. Alas, that battle has been settled with some awkward moments. I am pansexual (think bisexual but inclusive of transsexuals/transgendered people) and love it. I still do suffer from some shame of this, but the shame is much duller than it was before. I assure you this battle was extremely difficult to me, and to many I have loved (and lost).
For this, I submit my formal apology and just ask people to reflect on their experience with me, and to reflect on this journal. I am deeply sorry to you all, and most importantly deeply sorry to myself. I include apologizing to myself because I ran away from all that I was to become a nobody. I apologize to others for hurting them, bogging them down, being too needy (sexually and emotionally), being too desperate, being too lost and confused, being too blind, being too detached, and not being too available (emotionally, and communicatively).
I do need help, I need support, I need hugs. I am getting therapy for my anxiety disorder (post-traumatic stress disorder) that lead to all of this getting way out of control. I want to, and need to stop being so deeply afraid of everything, and so I shall fight the good fight.
Alas, thanks to the one who sent the letter, for giving me that slap in the face of aspiration to become myself for me.
I plan to try meditating as often as I can, for I have often been told that is the key to myself. I shall now use that key as fearlessly as I can, with ever growing confidence that I can. Where I’ve been doesn’t matter so much anymore. Where I want to go does.
Also I want to thank those that have stuck with me, and I hope they will continue to stick with me as I seek change to be who I am supposed to be (as opposed to being who I was told I was).