The obligatory 5 year post
I have been awakened and online for 5 years now, it has been an interesting ride, both in good ways and bad ones. As I look back I mss the optimism and the loving strength and courage I had when I first awoke and showed the world who I really am. I miss it because a series of events lead me into an emotional crash, essentially much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's been a long battle often wondering what's wrong with me, feeling like my soul was dead and that I was locked away doomed to live alone and always be abandoned and always do stupid things that would make me lose friends or be abandoned without them, or even me, understanding why or coming to an understanding. In the past year I have been receiving trickling amounts of education on mental illness and such and it has helped to an extent. What I haven't received really is much in the way of actually combatting and being able to let go. Letting go, wanting to let go that is, is different than something stopping the desire to do such from actually being effective and thus letting go. I seek to be loved and held despite the pain, despite the anger, despite the stupidity, to be understood and wanted, to be restored in love and through love, this is what I desire more than anything. I have a lovely mate now, and even though things in some ways are rough from her shyness, I oddly seem to have faith things can work, the keyword is can, as in capable, not necessarily that it will, but I need to have faith. Faith has been hit the most in PTSD, in this mental rut. I love many in a sense among the stars, my spirit mates call in hopes I will hear and listen, that I will be the person they fell in love with rather than the person that later drove them away, I know their voices are many, and I hope they know that I do love them.