Out of the frying pan, and into the fire.
Wow, did things go from bad to worse quick.
It started on Christmas Eve, where we got completely unloaded on with snow. I'm talking 12 inches of snow. Ruth worked close to my family's, so she went over for the festivities and to enjoy some time with us. The snow was piling up the entire time, and eventually she got around to ask her mom if she could stay the night with us. Her mother said no, strangely enough. I saw it coming, but my mother, not so much. The look on her face was somewhere in between shock and disgust. Without out and out saying not to listen to Ruth's mother, she just started making plans for where Ruth would stay. She ended up not listening to her mother, and staying the night with us.
Christmas Day, we eventually make our way over there after the plows take care of some of it, and immediately she gets bombarded from her brother, complaining about how he had to deal with her mother's crap and how she's becoming a problem and how there will be this big family meeting next time they go to the therapist. So I start to get very nervous, and while she's out peeling potatoes, I'm feeling like I have to throw up from all of the trouble that's going on. I knew that the meeting would be just as much about me as her, everyone airing out dirty laundry and using me as a pinata without even giving me the courtesy of being there. I sit down and I talk with her, telling her to stick to her guns and stick to what she believes is right and not to give them an inch. No saying "whatever" or agreeing to disagree or any of that. I wanted to be there to help, but I know that my presence would make it far worse, and I don't want that.
Well, the 27th rolls around, and I found out that the office that my grandmother works at is going under, and that I'm going to have to put down my career dreams and mental health time and find some kind of work, and not worry about sullying my reputation with companies any worse than it already has been. I'm very worried about her though. She's 73, and she wants to work again, but feels like no one will hire her. That has to be hard. Also, what if I do leave? Who will pay the bills? What's going to happen with her? What about her health?
Anyway. Later on, the therapy session comes along, and I silently hope that she doesn't give in and that she comes out the same as she was. It didn't happen. She called me sobbing, talking about how if I didn't find work soon she'll leave and how she's upset I didn't go to college in the spring. Well, considering I registered in December, expecting to go to college in January is a bit much by anyone's standards. By the time you get all of the red tape done to get in, there are no classes left to attend. Regarding working... I'll admit, I still don't feel like I'm ready, and I'm scared stiff about it. I've been putting it off out of fear of screwing it up again. I can't do that anymore. I have to man up and work a bad job, not be scared about messing it up or getting stuck in a shit environment or not being good at it. I need to worry about one thing and that's the amount on the paycheck.
Still though, I think it's strange that this happened the day after therapy. I wonder if she was airing out what she's been wanting to say, or if that family meeting turned into a bash-the-boyfriend thing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe it doesn't matter. In fact, it probably doesn't. I just have to do what it takes.
It'd be nice to not live in fear of stuff like that though. See, that's been plaguing me for a while too. I haven't ever had a long term friendship. Nothing longer than a couple years at least. I've tried to lean on others for help, only to have them step away after a while. As much as I'd like to believe that it's different with her, there's still this nagging feeling that she'll find out she's better off without me in her life or that she'll find something or someone better or that she'll have to leave me behind. No one likes to be alone, I know. Maybe it's the wrong fear to have. But it just won't go away...
Anyway. I'll keep you updated if anything new arises. If anyone's listening, at least.
It started on Christmas Eve, where we got completely unloaded on with snow. I'm talking 12 inches of snow. Ruth worked close to my family's, so she went over for the festivities and to enjoy some time with us. The snow was piling up the entire time, and eventually she got around to ask her mom if she could stay the night with us. Her mother said no, strangely enough. I saw it coming, but my mother, not so much. The look on her face was somewhere in between shock and disgust. Without out and out saying not to listen to Ruth's mother, she just started making plans for where Ruth would stay. She ended up not listening to her mother, and staying the night with us.
Christmas Day, we eventually make our way over there after the plows take care of some of it, and immediately she gets bombarded from her brother, complaining about how he had to deal with her mother's crap and how she's becoming a problem and how there will be this big family meeting next time they go to the therapist. So I start to get very nervous, and while she's out peeling potatoes, I'm feeling like I have to throw up from all of the trouble that's going on. I knew that the meeting would be just as much about me as her, everyone airing out dirty laundry and using me as a pinata without even giving me the courtesy of being there. I sit down and I talk with her, telling her to stick to her guns and stick to what she believes is right and not to give them an inch. No saying "whatever" or agreeing to disagree or any of that. I wanted to be there to help, but I know that my presence would make it far worse, and I don't want that.
Well, the 27th rolls around, and I found out that the office that my grandmother works at is going under, and that I'm going to have to put down my career dreams and mental health time and find some kind of work, and not worry about sullying my reputation with companies any worse than it already has been. I'm very worried about her though. She's 73, and she wants to work again, but feels like no one will hire her. That has to be hard. Also, what if I do leave? Who will pay the bills? What's going to happen with her? What about her health?
Anyway. Later on, the therapy session comes along, and I silently hope that she doesn't give in and that she comes out the same as she was. It didn't happen. She called me sobbing, talking about how if I didn't find work soon she'll leave and how she's upset I didn't go to college in the spring. Well, considering I registered in December, expecting to go to college in January is a bit much by anyone's standards. By the time you get all of the red tape done to get in, there are no classes left to attend. Regarding working... I'll admit, I still don't feel like I'm ready, and I'm scared stiff about it. I've been putting it off out of fear of screwing it up again. I can't do that anymore. I have to man up and work a bad job, not be scared about messing it up or getting stuck in a shit environment or not being good at it. I need to worry about one thing and that's the amount on the paycheck.
Still though, I think it's strange that this happened the day after therapy. I wonder if she was airing out what she's been wanting to say, or if that family meeting turned into a bash-the-boyfriend thing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe it doesn't matter. In fact, it probably doesn't. I just have to do what it takes.
It'd be nice to not live in fear of stuff like that though. See, that's been plaguing me for a while too. I haven't ever had a long term friendship. Nothing longer than a couple years at least. I've tried to lean on others for help, only to have them step away after a while. As much as I'd like to believe that it's different with her, there's still this nagging feeling that she'll find out she's better off without me in her life or that she'll find something or someone better or that she'll have to leave me behind. No one likes to be alone, I know. Maybe it's the wrong fear to have. But it just won't go away...
Anyway. I'll keep you updated if anything new arises. If anyone's listening, at least.