Scattered Thoughts, Good Bye Mark...
Scattered Thoughts
So I’ve been going a little nuts with my thoughts. Today I wasn’t even sure I’d have anything to talk about with my Lisa. It turns out I’d only forgotten things to talk about, and had tons and again, we didn’t really resolve anything, and now I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to do for next time. Maybe it’s just to finish the things that I was supposed to do for this time?
Anyway, I joined a Gym and after having done just some light Cardio on Friday, today I went with ‘Becca and got a sample of her workout. OMG, does that girl go to town. I’m curious to see what kind of condition I’ll be in tomorrow. I was sort of testing myself with the machines and might have over did something here or there.
I haven’t been very happy with the trainer I’ve had, but I think it’s just an issue with the status of the trainers in the gym. My thought is that the trainers get a gym discount, in exchange for being able to meet people for free consults and possibly get private trainer appointments. The paperwork that’s been supplied for me to track my progress seems… lacking for a better word, so I’m thinking about coming up with my own schedule to help me be aware of progress made, and progress planned.
Normally ‘Becca walks to the gym as part of her warm up, but today saw the temp to be in the mid 30s to low 40s and sleeting. So we took her car.
After the workout, I was talking about how I needed to plan different types of food since things go bad before I remember to eat them. She suggested dried fruits and a stop at Trader Joe’s and/or Costco. We ended up going to both.
I apologized for having been a bad friend to her. Basically, when it wasn’t convenient for me to be around, I was pretty scarce. I’m going to try not to do that ever again, if I can help it.
While my phone was in the gym locker, Anne had called and then once we were back in the car, Asher had called to let me know that Mark had passed. I’m still getting used to my phone, so dealing with the voice mail messages is still difficult.
When she couldn’t reach me, she stopped by because she cares, and then when she couldn’t find me, she went looking for me. I worried her, and I felt bad for that.
I keep thinking about how Mark is dead. He’s not going to steeple his fingers and say, “Excellent!” He’s not going do the same steeple motion and go “Wooooo Rad!” over robots. He’s not going to do crazy arcing shots in Pool where he scoots the cue ball around a huge pile of balls to make an amazing shot. He’s not going to do any of that.
But, somehow, I don’t know why, and I don’t know if/when it will change, but I’m not really feeling anything about it. I’m not exactly numb to it, I’m just… not sad about it. The thoughts of mortality and loss and impending doom aren’t really coming to me, either. Based on everything else I’ve been going through, it’s probably just my emotionless defense mechanism kicking in. I really need to find the “Off” switch for that, or the “On” switch, or get some sort of control over it.
I finished my shopping and now have a lot of dried fruit and other non-perishables to help feed me.
Requoted - “In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” - Robert Frost
So I’ve been going a little nuts with my thoughts. Today I wasn’t even sure I’d have anything to talk about with my Lisa. It turns out I’d only forgotten things to talk about, and had tons and again, we didn’t really resolve anything, and now I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to do for next time. Maybe it’s just to finish the things that I was supposed to do for this time?
Anyway, I joined a Gym and after having done just some light Cardio on Friday, today I went with ‘Becca and got a sample of her workout. OMG, does that girl go to town. I’m curious to see what kind of condition I’ll be in tomorrow. I was sort of testing myself with the machines and might have over did something here or there.
I haven’t been very happy with the trainer I’ve had, but I think it’s just an issue with the status of the trainers in the gym. My thought is that the trainers get a gym discount, in exchange for being able to meet people for free consults and possibly get private trainer appointments. The paperwork that’s been supplied for me to track my progress seems… lacking for a better word, so I’m thinking about coming up with my own schedule to help me be aware of progress made, and progress planned.
Normally ‘Becca walks to the gym as part of her warm up, but today saw the temp to be in the mid 30s to low 40s and sleeting. So we took her car.
After the workout, I was talking about how I needed to plan different types of food since things go bad before I remember to eat them. She suggested dried fruits and a stop at Trader Joe’s and/or Costco. We ended up going to both.
I apologized for having been a bad friend to her. Basically, when it wasn’t convenient for me to be around, I was pretty scarce. I’m going to try not to do that ever again, if I can help it.
While my phone was in the gym locker, Anne had called and then once we were back in the car, Asher had called to let me know that Mark had passed. I’m still getting used to my phone, so dealing with the voice mail messages is still difficult.
When she couldn’t reach me, she stopped by because she cares, and then when she couldn’t find me, she went looking for me. I worried her, and I felt bad for that.
I keep thinking about how Mark is dead. He’s not going to steeple his fingers and say, “Excellent!” He’s not going do the same steeple motion and go “Wooooo Rad!” over robots. He’s not going to do crazy arcing shots in Pool where he scoots the cue ball around a huge pile of balls to make an amazing shot. He’s not going to do any of that.
But, somehow, I don’t know why, and I don’t know if/when it will change, but I’m not really feeling anything about it. I’m not exactly numb to it, I’m just… not sad about it. The thoughts of mortality and loss and impending doom aren’t really coming to me, either. Based on everything else I’ve been going through, it’s probably just my emotionless defense mechanism kicking in. I really need to find the “Off” switch for that, or the “On” switch, or get some sort of control over it.
I finished my shopping and now have a lot of dried fruit and other non-perishables to help feed me.
Requoted - “In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” - Robert Frost