(Untitled)

[raizael]

title: the story goes
author: chartre
rating: pg-13
pairing: nishikato
summary: ryo watches him and then turns his attention to his wife, but it's not like he forgets about the boy in the house.
notes: fictional. my first ever remix, of lightstylings' at sixteen; 1001 concisities. i'm afraid it's boring and lacks a rock n' roll ending, but i just hope i didn't kill

Comments

[lightstylings]

First of all, you have such amazing fic ploughing abilities. I can’t believe you did this all in one night so take that ‘fail’ tag off because it’s not applicable, okay? I had to read it twice just to make sure I could give a proper comment that was more than keyboard smash but take some anyway: AKJSDKCVNSJKVB!!1! So sorry this is many hours after fic posting (I got dragged into buying and pulling 25kilos of rice home).

As a fic and remix this is perfect, I smiled every time you made a reference back and was well worth getting up early for. I’d been refreshing my friends page for at least fifteen minutes before you posted. I shall now begin to pick apart all the bits that make it love but I’m thinking that it’s going to be the majority. Just to say, I loved the approach. Logically, it makes sense to centre around Ryo but that doesn’t take away from your crafted narration.

One day he overhears from his wife: the nephew's name is Kato Shigeaki, the poor boy from neighborhoods across with no family left (the wife says).

I’m really glad you started with such a detached Ryo, utterly removed (and a little bit mean) towards Shige’s existence, and though that’s the first bunch of lines, I like this one in particular. I guess it’s because I’ve always had a thing for the way you punctuate your sentences. I’m probably explaining it very badly so I’ll search for more examples later.

“Shige,” Ryo says, “can I call you that?” the shorter the better, he thinks.

I like the reasoning behind this, to be honest I really hadn’t put any thought into how ‘Shige’ would come about but I’m glad that it’s Ryo’s thinking that it’s ‘safe’. I know it sounds strange but I think it’s sweet Ryo says: ‘“You can call me Ryo.”’ just because it makes it seem like they’re children in a playground and Shige’s the new kid and that’s very cute to me.

Ryo shrugs too, and then smiles. “You’re a good boy, Shige,” he pats him on the shoulder and leaves his room a full minute later. Shige gets to sleep soundly that night, and Ryo notices it exceptionally the next morning. He smiles at him when they have their coffee, and to his surprise, Shige smiles back. Ryo burns his tongue for a second but tries not to show it.

I choose this because I’m a total sucker for things like this. Really I am. I’m just terrible at gushing squeals like a flood.

Ryo feels as though he’s jinxed his wife, because days and weeks into the next season, she’s bedridden... ... He feels some peace of mind.

I’m glad that Ryo’s conscious has a tug-of-war because it’s important, he married this woman for a reason (all those vows included) and for him to feel guilt is necessary even if she is an emotional rollercoaster.

“You smell like coffee beans,” Ryo commends. Shige sniffs his cuffs and confirms it. “I’ll take a bath.” ... ... Ryo just knows when he hears the water running in the bathroom while he passes by in the corridor, the smell of coffee beans still lingering.

Props to you for including so much coffee and such a doe-eyed Shige that goes to get a scolding even if he could probably avoid it. I do like that he has some interaction with his aunt and Ryo’s the only one who remembers it specifically. The whole bit with Ryo’s promotion was just too cute.

Man up, he tells himself.

Pfft. Not sure why but Ryo pumping himself up makes me laugh. Just the dorkiness of it I suppose :D

He thinks it’s a good idea because Ryo. Ryo can’t. But Shige, Shige can. He’s a good boy, he often tells himself that, and he deserves better than living with a widowed traveling salesman.

I think this is a good example of why I like your punctuation dashed about the place. In isolation, it doesn’t make sense but altogether you can see that it’s just hesitance. I love how Ryo seems so optimistic in decidedly good things and how he just knows and waits because that’s just how I’d hoped he’d turn out.

Shige kisses him back, and Ryo decides that this is the moment he’s been waiting for.

Just the perfect ending. So hyped that it was you who popped my remix cherry. I am so working on finishing yours right now. Will tweet with updates.

Lots of love and lots of big hearts: ♥♥♥♥♥

[chartre]

OMG IT'S THE MOTHER OF ALL COMMENTS. I will give you loads of big hears too~

♥♥♥♥♥

I shall now read the love~

[chartre]

Just finished reading it, and I just wish I had your ability to put it all into words because I'm quite the opposite, I may not get you anything more than even more hearts and keyboard smashing love ♥♥♥

ajgkjsgdshdlfgsgadkjf ♥♥♥

Still, I will try because you gave me one heck of a comment :D

I'm sosososososososo very happy that you love it! I was really nervous about remixing your fic since evidently it's my first time, and I absolutely did not know how I was going to start it all off. I was actually thinking of remixing one of your Ryo/Koyama fics, but I decided I'd go for this lovey lovely Ryo/Shige one instead because it hit me like I was really falling in love (and the writing style with it just tops it all off). It really kept me inspired and going throughout the fic-process, so I thank you. ♥

I'm flattered you love the style(?) attached to the sentences, I'll admit that sometimes I lose faith in myself and fail to see them (heehee~). You make me realize that I'm able to accomplish things like these because I'm often so insecure, and no matter how corny that sounds, I mean it to bits and pieces~

That bit about playground friends!Ryo and Shige is just so squish-able! I know I'm deviating away from your wonderful and extensive comment but the thought of it just makes me want to draw fanart like that (and I know whom I'm giving it to ♥)~

I'm really really glad you liked how it all turned out. I was so nervous from start to finish that I even stopped in between my writing just to think if I'm merely paraphrasing your sentences, but then I think it's a remix, I should be relaxed since the plot is already given, but I get even more confused as to how I'm supposed to lay everything out but I keep writing anyway (and I'm not making any sense now), hoping I won't fail you on this one. Now I'm just entirely grateful for absolutely everything, and I'm glad writing till four in the morning totally paid off. :D

I feel bad for not giving you a proper-proper comment with all my love poured into it like how you did with yours, but I'm just simply elated knowing you love it~ I kept smiling while I read the entire thing, and I couldn't help but open notepad to prepare myself for a long reply. XD I shall still wait ever so patiently for your fic remix. I'm excited as to how it'll turn out because it's you (I just love your creativity and style, and I know how you give so much care to your writing) and it's of course, a remix. :D If you're staying up writing till 4AM, I'll be cheering you on in Twitter, too.

Now have some more lovely giant hearts~
♥♥♥♥♥