Negation
I was hoping my dog-apocalypse comment would place in the weekly top ten comments, but it did not. My response...
...I must admit there is a twinge of sadness for me on this day, as one of my comments this week is in my opinion as witty as I'll ever get. What is there to live for now?...
At this, someone posted a list of 50 things worth living for. I responded to each...
01. Tacos
Those fuckers always stick lettuce in my tacos when I explicitly request they not do so.
02. Silly Putty
The newspaper industry is dying. Without comics for making those ink imprints, where's the silliness?
03. Boners
Tragic sex accident. My penis broke, and I can no longer get an erection.
04. Milk Duds
Those little bastards stick together and melt all over your fingers. Then they get stuck in your teeth.
05. Sneaking into movies
I morally object to theft.
06. Bonfires
I lost my house in the recent California wildfires. Thanks for bringing up a sore subject.
07. The perfect steak
The perfect steak is a cruel tease. It's a ghost that is always out of reach like the will o' the wisp. There are some damn good steaks, but given that I still find steaks that are better, this quest will always remain beyond my reach. On my deathbed, I'll still wonder about the taste of the truly perfect steak.
08. Labia piercings
Never had access to the labia of a woman who had them. Again, a cruel taunt.
09. Driving a convertible on a scenic road
Haven't done that either. I get nervous driving on scenic roads regardless. The PCH kills people enjoying the view all the time.
10. Hawaii
I've never been there, but that's where my dad wants his ashes scattered. Thanks for reminding me of my father's mortality.
11. Arnie Palmers (lemonade & iced tea mixed)
I hate tea.
12. Comics
Fucking Family Circus. I had to give up the comics. They just don't make me laugh and felt like an obligatory chore. I'm very humorless.
13. Sweaty breasts
Hmmmm...o.k. You might have me on that one. Any variety of breasts are pretty good.
14. Frisbee
I don't have anyone to play with anymore! Those bygone days...
15. Biking (motor or pedal)
Makes my ass hurt. I've never driven or ridden a motorcycle, but I think I'd miss being able to hear music.
16. Watching people in suits trip & fall
That's somebody's baby you're laughing at.
17. Pinatas
Pinatas require blindfolds. This reminds me of Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Once at a birthday party in elementary school we played that. I gave the donkey a penis. Everyone laughed at me. I was humiliated.
18. Fresh vegetables
Wow, are you ever barking up the wrong tree on this one.
19. Hummingbirds
Why should those little beasties be able to flap their wings and beat their hearts so many times per minute when I can't?
20. Sport fucking
This is so far out of my league I can't even begin to address it.
21. A fresh, untouched covering of snow
I once saw the movie Jack Frost with Michael Keaton. Ruined snow for me forever.
22. Quiet walks
The footsteps...the footsteps...god - won't someone please silence my footsteps?!?
23. Cage fighting
Have you ever seen the Lou Ferrigno movie Cage where his character takes a Regarding Henry turn? Don't.
24. Graphic novels
I just can't keep up with this medium. All the cool nerds talk about it, and I'm completely lost.
25. Celebrity sex tapes
Where?!?
26. Holding a sleeping baby
That baby is probably having a nightmare.
27. Donkey shows
Bestiality is wrong. Oh, so wrong.
28. Soup and/or chili
I don't like chili. They always put too many chunky things (primarily vegetables) in my soup.
29. Driving in the rain listening to Radiohead
I do like Radiohead. And I do like the rain. But I live in SoCal. Where is the rain, dammit?
30. Listening to grandparents tell you stories about growing up
Not to make too many of these too morbid in humor, but all my grandparents are dead. I'll never hear those stories again. And - point of fact - I missed those opportunities for the most part. Two of those grandparents were dead before I could even form substantive memories, and the other two I've always regretted not being closer to. Fuck, that's depressing.
31. Cheese
I do love cheese! O.k. That's two: cheese and breasts.
32. Fireworks
I got hit in the leg with a goddamn firework. I was bleeding too. It wasn't my fault. A neighbor shot it.
33. Illegal fireworks
Damn thing was probably illegal too.
34. Foregoing fireworks and just burning shit
You might want to look into some counseling for that pyromania.
35. Fire extinguishers
I've always wanted to use one, but the opportunity has just never come up.
36. Puppy breath
I don't have a dog. I want one. I can't have one at my apartment. The great canine love of my life passed away ten years ago. I miss her.
37. Downloading pornography
Well, o.k. That's three. Not hard porno for me, though.
38. Ribs
I hate eating food with bones. Too high-maintenance.
39. An ice cold glass of milk
Yes, that's pretty good.
40. Solid poop
I generally try to avoid all feces-related matters. Perhaps I should get some therapeutic counseling.
41. Knowing Sean Hannity will eventually die
Like the mythological hydra, three more of him will just pop up in his place. We can't win.
42. Drunk chicks making out with each other
They never let me watch.
43. Friends
Yes, friends are good. Most of mine are scattered to the four winds, though.
44. Kleenex
Kleenex is good for masturbating. Masturbating usually means that I'm not getting laid. How depressing.
45. Twice baked potatoes
What exactly is a twice baked potato? Did the first bake not take?
46. Clear, crisp nights on a lake, with a million stars above
Damn mosquitos.
47. Midget wrestling
This sounds rather exploitative. Maybe I'm just too PC. That's a downer as well.
48. Jarts, aka Lawn Darts
I've never played. What is this wondrous game of which you speak?
49. The quiet moments before sunrise
I am the laziest motherfucker on the planet. I don't think I've seen a sunrise in twenty years.
50. [This website]'s pretty funny, I've heard
That it is. And you certainly do your part. Thanks for at least trying to cheer me up. :-)
...I must admit there is a twinge of sadness for me on this day, as one of my comments this week is in my opinion as witty as I'll ever get. What is there to live for now?...
At this, someone posted a list of 50 things worth living for. I responded to each...
01. Tacos
Those fuckers always stick lettuce in my tacos when I explicitly request they not do so.
02. Silly Putty
The newspaper industry is dying. Without comics for making those ink imprints, where's the silliness?
03. Boners
Tragic sex accident. My penis broke, and I can no longer get an erection.
04. Milk Duds
Those little bastards stick together and melt all over your fingers. Then they get stuck in your teeth.
05. Sneaking into movies
I morally object to theft.
06. Bonfires
I lost my house in the recent California wildfires. Thanks for bringing up a sore subject.
07. The perfect steak
The perfect steak is a cruel tease. It's a ghost that is always out of reach like the will o' the wisp. There are some damn good steaks, but given that I still find steaks that are better, this quest will always remain beyond my reach. On my deathbed, I'll still wonder about the taste of the truly perfect steak.
08. Labia piercings
Never had access to the labia of a woman who had them. Again, a cruel taunt.
09. Driving a convertible on a scenic road
Haven't done that either. I get nervous driving on scenic roads regardless. The PCH kills people enjoying the view all the time.
10. Hawaii
I've never been there, but that's where my dad wants his ashes scattered. Thanks for reminding me of my father's mortality.
11. Arnie Palmers (lemonade & iced tea mixed)
I hate tea.
12. Comics
Fucking Family Circus. I had to give up the comics. They just don't make me laugh and felt like an obligatory chore. I'm very humorless.
13. Sweaty breasts
Hmmmm...o.k. You might have me on that one. Any variety of breasts are pretty good.
14. Frisbee
I don't have anyone to play with anymore! Those bygone days...
15. Biking (motor or pedal)
Makes my ass hurt. I've never driven or ridden a motorcycle, but I think I'd miss being able to hear music.
16. Watching people in suits trip & fall
That's somebody's baby you're laughing at.
17. Pinatas
Pinatas require blindfolds. This reminds me of Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Once at a birthday party in elementary school we played that. I gave the donkey a penis. Everyone laughed at me. I was humiliated.
18. Fresh vegetables
Wow, are you ever barking up the wrong tree on this one.
19. Hummingbirds
Why should those little beasties be able to flap their wings and beat their hearts so many times per minute when I can't?
20. Sport fucking
This is so far out of my league I can't even begin to address it.
21. A fresh, untouched covering of snow
I once saw the movie Jack Frost with Michael Keaton. Ruined snow for me forever.
22. Quiet walks
The footsteps...the footsteps...god - won't someone please silence my footsteps?!?
23. Cage fighting
Have you ever seen the Lou Ferrigno movie Cage where his character takes a Regarding Henry turn? Don't.
24. Graphic novels
I just can't keep up with this medium. All the cool nerds talk about it, and I'm completely lost.
25. Celebrity sex tapes
Where?!?
26. Holding a sleeping baby
That baby is probably having a nightmare.
27. Donkey shows
Bestiality is wrong. Oh, so wrong.
28. Soup and/or chili
I don't like chili. They always put too many chunky things (primarily vegetables) in my soup.
29. Driving in the rain listening to Radiohead
I do like Radiohead. And I do like the rain. But I live in SoCal. Where is the rain, dammit?
30. Listening to grandparents tell you stories about growing up
Not to make too many of these too morbid in humor, but all my grandparents are dead. I'll never hear those stories again. And - point of fact - I missed those opportunities for the most part. Two of those grandparents were dead before I could even form substantive memories, and the other two I've always regretted not being closer to. Fuck, that's depressing.
31. Cheese
I do love cheese! O.k. That's two: cheese and breasts.
32. Fireworks
I got hit in the leg with a goddamn firework. I was bleeding too. It wasn't my fault. A neighbor shot it.
33. Illegal fireworks
Damn thing was probably illegal too.
34. Foregoing fireworks and just burning shit
You might want to look into some counseling for that pyromania.
35. Fire extinguishers
I've always wanted to use one, but the opportunity has just never come up.
36. Puppy breath
I don't have a dog. I want one. I can't have one at my apartment. The great canine love of my life passed away ten years ago. I miss her.
37. Downloading pornography
Well, o.k. That's three. Not hard porno for me, though.
38. Ribs
I hate eating food with bones. Too high-maintenance.
39. An ice cold glass of milk
Yes, that's pretty good.
40. Solid poop
I generally try to avoid all feces-related matters. Perhaps I should get some therapeutic counseling.
41. Knowing Sean Hannity will eventually die
Like the mythological hydra, three more of him will just pop up in his place. We can't win.
42. Drunk chicks making out with each other
They never let me watch.
43. Friends
Yes, friends are good. Most of mine are scattered to the four winds, though.
44. Kleenex
Kleenex is good for masturbating. Masturbating usually means that I'm not getting laid. How depressing.
45. Twice baked potatoes
What exactly is a twice baked potato? Did the first bake not take?
46. Clear, crisp nights on a lake, with a million stars above
Damn mosquitos.
47. Midget wrestling
This sounds rather exploitative. Maybe I'm just too PC. That's a downer as well.
48. Jarts, aka Lawn Darts
I've never played. What is this wondrous game of which you speak?
49. The quiet moments before sunrise
I am the laziest motherfucker on the planet. I don't think I've seen a sunrise in twenty years.
50. [This website]'s pretty funny, I've heard
That it is. And you certainly do your part. Thanks for at least trying to cheer me up. :-)